The Amusing Reviews: Merlin, Series Four
by queenoftheoutlands
Summary: In which I return with yet more Merlin, reviewed amusingly for your reading pleasure. In today's news: Merlin is now a young man according to the Great Slash Dragon , The Knights of the Round Bromance have assembled, Morgana has become Bellatrix LeStrange or possibly Sylar , everybody is angsting, Queen references some new fandoms and everybody needs lots and lots of HUGS! Enjoy!
1. Episode the First

**HI THERE PEOPLES!**

**A little note, for all my old readers who may be wondering why this has popped up as a new fic again, its conscipuous absence for the past few months and, of course, anyone new who may be wondering what madness they are about to enter into *waves and gives welcoming smiles* …**

**So… I have a lot of explaining to do. **

**It is a very long story, which I shall do my best to summarise, and it begins with me being a total idiot and accidentally deleting the entirety of my Series Four of Merlin Amusing Reviews from my account, which had been entirely complete up to episode eleven. Luckily, I had backed up copies for the reviews of every episode other than (entirely irritatingly) episode ten. **

**Then I went and spilt tea on my laptop and moved into a new house, so I've been laptop-less for weeks and internet-less for even longer. However, now my laptop is recovered, my files restored and the internet returned to me, and so I present to you once again for your reading pleasure and (hopefully) amusement:**

**THE (RESTORED) **_**MERLIN**_**: SERIES FOUR AMUSING REVIEWS, episodes 1 – 9 and 11.**

**(newly combed through to remove all typos and add a couple more references and jokes, just to spice things up, because I'm nice like that).**

**All original author's notes are present and correct, because I couldn't be bothered to edit them out, so all of those are referring to events from almost a year ago that are completely out of date…**

**And yes, **_**The Avengers**_** is my new fandom and Loki is my new villainous love, for all those who are wondering ;) I may well Amusing Review **_**Thor**_** one of these days, and **_**Avengers Assemble**_** when it comes out on DVD.**

**Apologies for the absence of Episode Ten and all the jokes about the **_**Waters of Mars**_** (**_**DOOOOOOM**_**) that it brought. Unfortunately, that episode has somehow gone missing from all my backup copies, because weird. Also apologies for still no episodes 12 or 13 either, as BBC iPlayer still hasn't repeated them. Whether they shall ever be written remains to be seen (University, work and all that jazz) but I promise that my eyes are peeled for them.**

**In the meantime, I hope you enjoy! DFTBA :D**

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**Oh yes. I'm back.**

So, I watched the first episode of Merlin, Series 4 yesterday and spent the majority of it making as many snarky comments as it is possible to make. And I thought to myself (_what a wonderful world_) "Hey, maybe I should review this." So here I am, reviewing this. And I am going to try to do the same for every episode this series because, hey, series 1 took so long and I haven't started on series 2 or 3 and I thought I owed it to you guys (and look how this madness turned out…)

These reviews probably won't be in as much detail as the older ones. They'll be shorter and a bit crackier, mostly because these are my initial thoughts rather than fully planned reviews after I've watched the episodes two or three times. However, I shall warn you that there will be spoilers abound so if you haven't watched the episodes and don't want to know what happened, go watch first. I'll wait.

...

See, I waited :)

Oh, and _Doctor Who _finale (_The Wedding of River Song_)? Was awesome. (And I may put something a little spoilery for that in this review too, so again, tread carefully or some skulls shall eat you).

Now, without further ado, I present...

**MERLIN SERIES FOUR: THE AMUSING REVIEWS**

**Episode One – The Darkest Hour**

And my immediate reaction is- "that sounds more like a series finale title than a series opener", but hey, maybe _Doctor Who_ has got me stuck in finale mode.

**THE GREAT JOHN HURT** In a land of myth and a time of magic the destiny of a great kingdom rests on the shoulders of a young man-

**ME** ... Hang on a m-

**GSD** -his name... Merlin.

**ME** LE SQUEEEEE!*(etc)*

**I - (hello Roman numerals. How I has missed you)**

We open to a mysterious cloaked figure dragging a cart through a foggy valley full of mist and fog and mist. The cloak is black and flappy, so obviously it's Morgana, looking a little worse for wear after the events of last series. She's being followed by Sir Leon (the badass), Sir Elyan (the thank-god-for-cast-listings-or-I'd-never-be-able-to-spell-it) and some other redshirts of Camelot.

**SIR LEON** Oi! You! Mysterious hooded lady whose voice is suspiciously like Morgana's! Where are you headed and what's in the cart?

**MORGANA** None of your business *turns round *

**SIR LEON** Oh snap

**MORGANA** *telekinetically blasts some redshirts* I'm Sylar now, bitches!

Morgana then goes to check on Morgause, who is lying in the cart and has caught the terrible disease of prosthetics on one side of her face.

Last bets on how many times Morgana is going to evilly smirk this episode? Anyone?

Cue:

**OPENING CREDITS. THEY'VE CHANGED THE PICTURES! FINALLY! HALLELUJAH! ONLY TOOK YOU FOUR BLOODY SERIES!**

**II. Time for some mood whiplash in Camelot**

Where there is whimsical music, Merlin runs about crashing into people and the knights of Camelot play fishing in the kitchens (where Arthur also seems to keep his shirts... for some reason). It is rather amusing.

Merlin then gets some wine spilled on Arthur's shirt and removes it via teh magics whilst Lancelot makes subtle comments and suggestive eyebrows about it. Because he is Lancelot (and likes to dance a lot) and is awesome.

Arthur also fails at writing speeches and he and Merlin exchange some banter, as they do. I (and many other fangirls) melt into squeeing piles of happiness and sparkles.

Meanwhile in the land of the fog and mist, Morgana and Morgause and Morgause's prosthetic of doom have reached the Isle of the Blessed.

**SOME GUY WITH BOAT** *needs paying*

Erm? Who the heck is he?

**SOME GUY WITH BOAT** *takes Morgana and Morgause and the prosthetic of doom to Isle in boat*

No, seriously. Who the heck is he? Where was he in series one when Gaius and Merlin went to that Island multiple times? Ah, maybe he's a temp.

**III. Uther appears to be suffering from PTSD and Guinevere has significantly longer hair**

It has also been a year since the last series finale, which at least explains the rebuilt great hall. This, however, makes me sad for Uther. Gaius turns up and they worry for a bit as Morgana and Morgause and that guy who has no explanation and Morgause's prosthetic (are those things contagious?) continue to boat their way to the Isle of the Blessed. The Isle looks a little bit run down and wyvern infested. Probably fell into disrepair after Nimueh got exploded by lightning.

Sir Leon and Sir Elyan ride back into Camelot. They are alone, because the redshirts are dead. Why is it that the redshirts in this show are only named after they are dead?

Also, one of them was called Montague. Which is a cool name.

**SIR LEON** So, we found Morgana and Morgause and she sort of killed some knights but not us because we're important and everything...

**NATHANIEL PARKER** Where was Morgana headed?

Am I going to get any explanation as to what Nathaniel Parker is doing here? Anyone?

**SIR LEON** *mumble*isle of the blessed *mumble*

**NATHANIEL PARKER** I'll send out patrols at first light

No, seriously. Who the heck is this guy? Okay so his name is Agravaine but that doesn't tell us anything.

**ARTHUR** Well, this really put a dampener on my day.

WHO IS THIS GUY?

**AGRAVAINE** I know, right?

WHY THE HECK IS HE IN CAMELOT?

**ARTHUR** I don't know I'd have got through these last few months without you

WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN!

**ARTHUR** Thank you, uncle

Oh, so he's evil then.

**IV. Back on the Isle of the Mist (maybe mist just follows Morgana around)/feast at Camelot (They're both sort of going on at the same time…)**

Also, I have no idea what Arthur is going on about but it seems to be important so I'll just call it the Dark Ages equivalent of Halloween. What? It's October.

Morgana is unsure about whatever is going to happen next, so I'm going to guess it involves Morgause dying.

**MORGAUSE** It is the only way to get me conveniently written out of the show seeing as Emilia Fox has other things to do like have a baby and be posh in gin adverts. Also, it's gonna help defeat Camelot or something. Don't be scared.

**MORGANA** Yeah, because the whole 'defeat Camelot' thing worked so well the last thirteen times.

I also notice that other than the prosthetic disease and the whole slowly dying thing Morgause is doing surprisingly well for having been thrown against a wall and looking very dead at the end of the last finale. What the heck happened to these two in the last year?

So, at midnight exactly Morgana chants a spell and kills Morgause and it makes an evil tornado of doom appear, along with hellish screaming and some woman who was apparently in Harry Potter but to my eternal shame I do not know who she played.

And everything goes slow for Merlin and he faints, but not until the woman says "Emrys" at him several times like it means something.

The woman has also appeared to Morgana to scold her or something and give exposition about the hellish screaming. She's pretty calm about it, to be honest.

**WOMAN **Emrys is your destiny and your doom

**MORGANA** Well that sounds suckish

Hm, this woman must be the anti-Great Dragon. Maybe there's an anti-Destiny society too.

**NIMUEH, MORGAUSE, MADAME KOVORIAN AND OTHER VILLAINS** Hell yeah! *clink coffee cups* Evil destiny!

Also, when Merlin faints, Arthur is all "OMG is he alright?" which is adorable.

**V. Merlin and Gaius then have a conversation about the woman and what she said and what the heck has happened**

Also, the music reminds me rather a lot of the music in _The Lion King_. Seriously, go listen to some music from _The Lion King_. You'll see what I mean.

**VI. The next morning...**

Fourteen minutes in and we have shirtless Bradley James. I am a happy person right now :)

Unfortunately, a girl called Dreya (not Freya) has turned up because her village has been attacked, so the knights of the round table (who dance whene'er they're able) go to investigate!

**DREYA** I could hear people screaming and then... Silence

The Silence? WHAAAAA-?

Also, can I-don't-know-who-the-fridge-he-is-Nathaniel-Parker stop acting like we should all know what the heck he's doing in Camelot? Seriously.

Then Arthur uses the word "clotpole"

**POUTY!MERLIN** That's my word

**ME** *more melting*

In the village that was attacked...

**SET PEOPLE** This totally isn't the same set for the village that Merlin comes from at all *shifty eyes*

The knights find animals programmed to provide jump scares and people that have been frozen to death. As you do. I also love the way the knights of Camelot seem to pair up. Gwaine and Jeff (yeah, I know its Percival but ever since I found out it was the same actor I just have to call him Sir Jeff), Leon and Elyan, Lancelot and Merlin (or Merlin and Arthur).

Gwaine also continues to be Gwaine, and therefore epic, by eating a random apple loudly. If you've read my _Star Trek_ review, you'll know about my theory on apples and egos. I think that applies here (though with Gwaine it's more epic-snarkiness than ego).

There is more hellish screaming (which is actually terrifying, thank you) and then we get a good look at our monster, which is a loud of mist with a skull face. Deadly skulls seems to be a theme of the evening's television. They also seem to generate anti-magic fields because Merlin is powerless against them. Luckily Lancelot is there to scare the thing off with a torch. Like a boss.

Poor Merlin is rather shaken by the whole thing, which makes me want to hug him lots.

**VII. Camelot is under attack. My goodness, that was quick.**

There are already bodies in the hall. I do feel sorry for Camelot. Wonder what the life expectancy is?

Merlin angsts to Gaius about not being able to use his magic. I still want to hug him because he looks so scared, poor thing.

The next morning, Gaius does his job- telling Uther (or at least his Nathaniel Parker stand in) and Arthur what monster of the week they are fighting.

**AGRAVAINE** But who would do such a thing?

**GAIUS (AND EVERYONE WHO'S BEEN PAYING ATTENTION) **Morgana.

Unfortunately, Gaius does not know how to defeat the creatures and their hellish screaming of doom.

That night, Merlin is paranoid about things and Arthur taunts him for it. In a bantering kind of way.

**MERLIN** I do not find you funny right now

**ARTHUR** Just trying to keep our spirits up

I think Merlin's "it's not a joke" line is the most bitter I've heard him speak. Which makes me sad. MERLIN DAMN YOU, YOU NEED HUGS AND ITS ONLY 24 BLOODY MINUTES INTO THE FIRST BLOODY EPISODE!

Meanwhile, I'm all "Don't go into the shadows! They will eat you!" and Bradley James pulls the best expressions.

Then the hellish screaming comes along to ruin the mood and Arthur is all "I'm really, really scared, you know" and I'm all DAMMIT ARTHUR NOW YOU NEED HUGS TOO!

**VIII. Then some candles are blown out in Gaius' room. Nothing comes of it, but it's scary**

I love that the knights of Camelot all wonder around on patrol in a great big bunch, because they are BFFs. At least until Sir Jeff hears some children crying and has to save them because he's awesome like that with his chainmail vest of manliness. Then Sir Elyan has to save him from a hellish skull of freezing doom, like a boss.

THEY ARE ALL BFFS AND ITS ADORABLE! I bet they all go to Camelot Nandos and have drinking competitions and meet the Avengers for shwarma and OMG CRACK FIC IDEAS! *flails*

**IX. Because things can never be simple, a blood sacrifice is required to seal the tear between worlds and prevent any more hellish ice deaths.**

They're playing the _Lion King_ music again.

**ARTHUR** I'll go sacrifice myself for the good of Camelot then. Bye y'all.

At which point, Agravaine rides off into the forest to a little hut in the woods.

**AGRAVAINE** My lady

**MORGANA** My lord

Yup, he's evil.

Also, I'm going to assume that Agravaine is Igraine's brother, owing to similar names and earlier dialogue, so that means he and Morgana aren't blood related. I'm not sure if that makes the way they are talking to each other less creepy or extra creepy. But maybe I'm just reading into things.

I'm also going to throw out my series predictions here and say Agravaine will try to usurp Morgana in some way at which point she'll pull a Morgause/Cenred and kill him. The sexual tension between Morgause and Cenred last series was utterly hilarious in its unsubtle-ty, by the way. I just thought I'd throw that out there.

Morgana is really sarcastic. She also looks like she's taken clothing advice from Bellatrix Lestrange. However, Morgana is also feeling rather paranoid about Emrys and her doom.

I have a question. What (in Agravaine's mind at least) makes Morgana the rightful heir to Camelot over Arthur? Is she older? Or is it just because she has more breasts?

Why am I even trying to apply logic to this show?

**X. Arthur has a post going-out-to-sacrifice-himself-for-the-good-of-Camelot talk with his father**

Or rather _at_ his father. Uther is surprisingly responsive.

**UTHER** Don't leave me... Please

DAMMIT! UTHER NEEDS HUGS TOO! I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THAT!

**GWEN** Seconded.

Arthur and Gwen then have a heartfelt talk about their first kiss.

**ME** *vomits*

And so, off they go to ride away.

**LANCELOT** Hey Gwen!

**GWEN** Hey! Look after Arthur for me plzthnkyou?

**LANCELOT** ...

NOT LANCELOT TOO! GAH! MAYBE I SHOULD JUST GIVE HUGS ALL ROUND!

**OBLIVIOUS!GWEN** He's so nice :)

**LANCELOT** Damn these fringed heroes stealing mah chicks all the time.

He regains enough snark on the journey however to scold Merlin for coming along without any power against the hellish hellskulls.

**LANCELOT** I don't want to see you hurt. You is mah BFF

**MERLIN** But... Destiny...

**GAIUS, THE GREAT DRAGON AND HUNITH** Destiny!

**MERLIN** Did you hear that?

**LANCELOT** Noooooo...

**XII. Oh dear, Morgana's bad dreams have come back with a vengeance**

**MORGANA** No... Bodies... Excalibur... Crow… Bluescreen effects! NOOOOOO!

**OLD!MERLIN** Is this really what you wanted Morgana?

**POV SHOT OF MERLIN WITH MORGANA'S HAND** *IS. AWESOME.*

**MORGANA** GAH! Emrys!

The knights of Camelot continue to ride on to some weird castle place past a load of frozen bodies. Good lord this show has a huge body count.

I love that Arthur actually tells the knights to pair off to collect firewood. And they split into their previously allotted pairs. I squee some more.

Then later on when they have made the fire there is manly laughter. Of manliness.

Also, Gwaine doesn't use doors. He jumps through windows. Like a boss.

There's also a small instance where Colin Morgan's accent suddenly leaps out without warning, which is nice ;)

Of course, because it is the law, Merlin and Arthur end up on their own and under attack by hellish faces and must run off into the darkness. The knights hear the hellish screaming and go off after them. They're even like "someone needs to go after them and we've only got one torch" and slowly file off after each other like "screw that, I'm not going to be the one who stays behind. BFFS TOGETHER!"

Arthur then confides to Merlin about how scared he feels. DAMMIT CAN'T YOU TWO HUG EACH OTHER BECAUSE I CAN'T REACH INTO THE SCREEN AND HUG BOTH OF YOU! The music swells and they laugh and-

SOUNDTRACK SCARE CHORD!

**ME** *leaps out of my freaking seat*

Congratulations, writers of Merlin. You have successfully terrified me more than the same night's episode of Doctor freaking Who. I'm going to have nightmares full of hellish screaming all week, darn it.

**HELLISH HELLSKULL** *appears the hell out of nowhere and attacks*

**MERLIN** Oh no you don't! *jumps at it- pushing Arthur out of the way so he can't stop him, might I add- and is flung against the nearest wall*

**KNIGHTS** *turn up with torch* WTF just happened?

**MERLIN** *is frozen*

**ME** ... o_O

**CUT** *to cliffhanger*

**ME** *shakes fist* BARROWMAAAAAN!

Oh well, at least this time I've got a whole series ahead of me instead of a bloody end-of-series cliffhanger. I'm looking at you Moffat. *grumble* damnswimmingpool *grumble*damnbloodyrooftop *grumble*

And that was the first episode of series four. Hope to see you next week for (what I presume will be) _The Darkest Hour_ Part Two!

:D


	2. Cliffhangers, am I right?

**Episode Two – The Darkest Hour (Part Two)**

A short reminder of last week's episode for those of you living under a rock: Merlin is now a young man, according to the Great Dragon. They have finally changed the opening credits. Morgause was attacked by a prosthetic and died. Morgana is still evil but thankfully smirks less (probably something to do with her sister being attacked by a wild prosthetic and dying) then had a dream about lots of dead people and old!Merlin. The Knights of the Round Table are about three seconds away from a giant bromance orgy on said Round Table at any given moment. Uther has PTSD. A Nathanial Parker decided to invade the show without explanation (and is also evil). There are giant skulls of doom flying around and freezing people to death, everybody needs lots of hugs and Merlin and Arthur had an adorable moment before Merlin was freezed by a screaming death skull of doom.

Oh, and Arthur used the word "clotpole" and Merlin got all pouty about it. It was epic.

Got all that? Okay, lets get started.

**OPENING CREDITS**. (This is a two partner. We has no pre-credits sequence. Only a recap of last week.)

**I – Because I kind of forgot about the Roman numerals and descended back into normal numbers last week... Except for the part where I went back and changed them, because proof reading is your friend.**

**ARTHUR** I don't want Merlin to DIE!

**SIR LEON** But I don't want Camelot to DIE!

**ARTHUR** But... Epic bromance...

**LANCELOT** My bromance with Merlin is strong. I will take him back to Camelot. You can go and quest your asses off

And there is saddening slo-mo of Sir Jeff carrying Merlin with all the knights behind them. And they all still need hugs. Also, Merlin is still talking, somehow. Maybe he was not instantly dead because he has teh magics!

So Merlin and Lancelot slowly ride through the forest whilst elsewhere the other Knights ride EPICALLY through the forest. With epic music. And then Gwaine sticks his hand into a beehive. Without gloves. As you do. Then again, Gwaine is a badass.

Lol. Gwaine.

Leon is reassuring to Arthur whilst Jeff and Elyan chat about some random crap in the background.

LOL. Gwaine.

**II – Lancelot is so caring of Merlin. Truly this bromance is epic.**

Merlin also can't help but stick his hand in the nearest water they find and it goes all sparkly and then...

**WATER DROPLET** Hey there. We're magic water creatures with faces in water droplets

**LANCELOT** You is kind of creepy

**MERLIN** freya?

**WATER DROPLETS** Nah

**MERLIN AND EVERYONE WITH ANYTHING RESEMBLING A HEART** *sniffle* dammit.

**LANCELOT** How many drugs did I take?

**WATER DROPLETS** Also Arthur kind of needs you and Merlin

**LANCELOT** Well that sort of ruins that epic moment of heroics I was gonna have taking Merlin back to Camelot and all...

**WATER DROPLETS** We're healing him through the power of plot. Now rest. You is pretty and we wants to stare at you

**LANCELOT** No way am I falling asleep here because a water droplet with a face told me too. Nobody can be _that_ high.

**WATER DROPLETS** Pretty please. We'll protect you from the hellish skull demons

**LANCELOT** Well, when you put it like that...

**III – Arthur and the Knights have no such luck**

Okay, seriously. How come when Merlin and Gaius went to the Isle of the Blessed it took them less than a day? Which it did, because Merlin got there and back in time to get Holy Grail water for Arthur and was easily able to catch up with Gaius. But here Arthur insists on going through tunnels infested with Wildren (remember those?) because- and I quote- "It will take days off our journey".

*insert confused face here*

My brain hurts just thinking about it. I need to stop trying to apply logic to this show.

**GWAINE** Wildren. Why did it have to be Wildren?

**ARTHUR **Because the effects budget demands we must recycle the CGI from series 2 in order to have enough for hellish skull demons. Now come on.

**KNIGHTS** *enter tunnels*

**GWAINE** *hangs around outside for no adequately explained reason other than for Jeff to tackle him when a hellish skull demon attacks so they end up in a slightly suggestive position*

**GWAINE** Never knew you cared.

**FANGIRLS** *take that statement _way_ too far*

**ARTHUR** Stop baiting the fangirls and get into this tunnel!

A tunnel where in the first shot of all of them walking the light makes it look like there's a time crack in the wall. Also, there is exposition to remind the audience that a specific kind of berry puts Wildren off their supper.

HORRFIC CGI PIG-RATS! YAY!

The berry juice on their faces also looks kind of like blood. Just a heads up, make up department.

Gwaine then gets up close and personal with a Wildren and gets a big Wildren kiss, before killing it. Big mistake.

**ELYAN** Run!

Eylan's new name is Mr. Common Sense.

**IV – Oh, and now we're in Camelot. That was a sudden transition**

**UNHAPPY!GWEN** *is unhappy*

**GAIUS** *awaiting an explanation for this bullshit*

**AGRAVAINE** *is totally Uncle Scar from the Lion King*

**GWEN** I am Arthur's girlfriend and I also await an explanation for this bullshit

**AGRAVAINE** Naff off.

**GWEN** Politics.

APPARENTLY ARTHUR AND CO. HAVE BEEN GONE FOR THREE FREAKING DAYS! CONTINUITY NIGHTMARE!

**AGRAVAINE** I am totally not evil

**SARCASTIC!GWEN** *sarcastic curtsey of sarcasm*

**V – Lancelot wakes up to find Merlin prodding the water with a stick**

**LANCELOT** But you was dying!

**MERLIN** Sorry. *swings stick at Lancelot* You're not as quick as Arthur.

**FANGIRLS** *read_** way**_ too much into that statement*

**MERLIN** Bye! Gonna go save mah BF

**LANCELOT **Oh bugger *follows him*

Also, Arthur and co escaped the Wildren. Yay.

**VI – Agravaine evils off into the forest in search of MorSylar LeStrange**

**MORGANA** I has a shawl and it is epic. What's going on with Arthur?

**AGRAVAINE** I thought you were the magic one here. Erm...

**MORGANA** I'm going to assume that means "bad"

**AGRAVAINE** Erm, Guinevere is being annoying, but she is only a servant

**MORGANA** (passionately) No, you're wrong!

**GWEN/MORGANA SHIPPERS** *waiting patiently*

**MORGANA **I have dreamt the future and in it that servant sits upon my throne

**GWEN/MORGANA SHIPPERS** Damn you!

**MORGANA** I would rather drown in my own blood than see that day

Well, _that's_ rather graphic for Saturday evening :)

**MORGANA** Killing Gwen time! Yay!

**GWEN/MORGANA SHIPPERS** *slink away to corner with fond memories of series 1*

**VII – Meanwhile, Uther's PTSD is getting rather worse.**

Even he needs a hug. And he's a bastard.

DAMN YOU GWEN YOU LIAR!

**GWEN **Is there something you need?

HUGS DAMMIT! HE NEEDS HUGS!

Oh, Agravaine just turned up.

Seriously, who is this guy?

He's creepy. That's certainally true. Is he prepositioning her? I think Gwen suspects it because she seems very creeped out.

GWEN YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY CREEPED OUT AT LEAST WARN GAIUS ABOUT THIS!

*facepalm*

Meanwhile Merlin and Lancelot ride on to find... A taxidermist's shed. Anyway, there is a freezed person in it and they are going to spend the night there.

**MERLIN** Oh yeah, I'm a wizard, aren't I? *makes fire*

**FANGIRLS** *eagerly itching to write fanfiction*

**VIII – Morganatrix Bonham Carter is creeping into Camelot. It's alright. She has a hood that just about covers her hair, no one will know it's her *shifty eyes***

Also, she can do backwards telekinesis, which is quite cool.

Agravaine continues to be a creep at Gwen. What's with the green light through the window? Are the ghostbusters about to burst in?

Question? Why didn't he just kill her in his room? But he doesn't, he lets her go outside to be escorted home with two guards so that Morgana can pick her off.

STOP IT WITH THE LOGIC, BRAIN!

**MORGANA** I threw them lightly to the ground. Obviously they are now dead. *smirk evilly*

Back in the forest of bromance:

Doesn't Sir Jeff get cold in that chainmail vest?

Elyan asks Arthur some questions because he is Mr. Common Sense.

**ELYAN** We are awesome

**ARTHUR** I feel better now.

**HELLISH SCREAMING** *starts again*

**ARTHUR** And I don't feel better any more*

Gee, back in Camelot again. This thing is zig-zagging back and forth like a slinky.

**CONCERNED!GAIUS** *is concerned*

**EVIL!MORGANA** Tee hee hee, I'm so evil

Gaius finds Gwen and she's not dead, but those redshirts probably are.

Lancelot then angsts a bit about Gwen and Arthur

**MERLIN** How do you think I feel?

Also Gaius and Gwen have a little chat about her being randomly attacked and that it was planned for her to be left alive for the hellish skulls to freeze. Doesn't Morgana have a freezing spell?

Talking of which, Merlin and Lancelot are in trouble... But they run away whilst Merlin chants spells and along comes... The Big Damn Dragon.

**LANCELOT** Well that was unexpected

**GSD** Who in the name of Dumbledore's pants is this? Oh, hi there brave and noble knight. One of you two has got to die, by the way. But not Merlin

**MERLIN **You're not giving me much choice here

**GSD ***facepalm* I'm gonna go angst somewhere now *flies off*

...

**MERLIN** I guess there's no chance for a life then

**IX - The next morning, because we need a scene change**

LOl. Gwaine and his medieval socks! The other knights are picking on him.

**GWAINE** Pick on Sir Jeff

**JEFF** Why?

**GWAINE** Because he needs to clear his internet history

**LEON** What's the internet?

LOl, Gwaine sets fire to his medieval socks.

Then Lancelot turns up.

**LANCELOT** Bad news, Merlin's still alive

Manly hugs ensue. And more angsting.

**ARTHUR** Look after Guinevere

Bleh. Vomit.

**X – Oh, and NOW they've made it to the Isle of the Blessed.**

**UNEXPLAINED!BOATMAN/TEMP** *remains unexplained*

Oh, and then Wyverns attack, because there are Wyverns on the Isle of the Blessed now, apparently.

**ARTHUR** Everybody wave your swords randomly in the air!

Luckily Merlin is able to scare them off with totally inconspicuous dragon spell chanting. But they come back so Elyan, Jeff and Leon stay behind whilst the others to confront evil Madame Pomfrey.

**CAILLEACH** *evil laughter of evil*I blast you with magic, Gwaine!

**ARTHUR** I know what you want!

**CAILLEACH** Do you? And are you willing to let me have it?

**EVERYONE** *takes that statement _**way**_ too far*

**MERLIN** No way *teh magics Arthur unconscious* I must be the one to dramatically walk slowly into the tornado of doom

**CAILLEACH** Meh. Whatever floats your boat, Emrys

**MERLIN** Destiny!

**CAILLEACH** Hell no

**LANCELOT **Hell yes

And then Lancelot walks into the tornado of doom and dissolves into a billion pieces.

...

Wait, what?

**MERLIN **NO!

**AUDIENCE **WHAT IN THE HELL?

**READERS OF ARTHURIAN LEGENDS** But... legends...

**FANGIRLS** But... bromance

**ME** *too busy cursing my sister's friend who spoiled this before I got to watch the episode*

**TEAR BETWEEN WORLDS** *heals*

So maybe it was like a crack in time and needed someone to go in there in order to heal it in _Doctor Who_…

**XI – Arthur and co. have returned to Camelot**

No word on how long it took or how many Wyverns and Wildren they had to face to get there.

All the knights are solemn as they burn Lancelot's clothes and sword, Even though I don't think swords burn that well.

The knights are all very neatly arranged in the courtyard.

Gwen cries. Then Arthur holds her hand and she angsts about it being her fault for some reason. Also, she's the last person left outside after everyone else leaves. Which is sweet. In a sad way.

**XII – Cut to Morgana, having a tantrum**

And it's a very sudden cut and a very loud tantrum, so I kind of jumped at it a bit.

**AGRAVAINE** What are you, five?

**MORGANA **EMRYS! IT'S HIS FAULT! *paranoia*

And then she stops and looks at Agravaine and I'm like, seriously, stop looking so seductive. This is creepy.

**MORGANA **You'll help me find and destroy Emrys, right? *more paranoia*

And I seriously thought they were going to kiss. Luckily, they don't. Good. That would just be creepy.

Back in Camelot, Merlin does what he does second best (after going into rooms without knocking): Eavesdropping!

**AGRAVAINE** So, Gaius, you're clever and shiz. Emrys, Y/N?

**GAIUS** Nope.

**AGRAVAINE **I'm totally not suspicious or anything

**GAIUS' FACE** bitchplz

**GAIUS** That'll be Morgana then

**MERLIN **So Agravaine's evil?

**GAIUS** Yes, because I totally hadn't noticed

**SOUNDTRACK** *ominous*

**Next week**:

We shall have tension as Uther is injured. Will Merlin reveal his magic (probably not)? Oh look, old!Merlin is ba- OH GOD RUN ITS THE CREEPY CABBIE FROM _SHERLOCK_! GAAAAH! *runs away*


	3. Carnivals, Creepers and lots of angst!

**Episode Three – The Wicked Day**

Is it me, or are these titles getting grim?

**I – Well, things have certainly lightened up since last week**

The carnival has come to town. Though in my previous experience of carnivals in media, this cannot end well. Especially when they are run by the creepy people. Merlin is excited though. He obviously doesn't watch the same shows I do.

**UNIMPRESSED!ARTHUR** *is unimpressed... whilst leaning right over Merlin out the window*

**FANGIRLS ***fangirl*

**UNIMPRESSED!ARTHUR** It's a man throwing sticks in the air

Bradley James delivery of these lines is only getting better and better.

Also, why are all the carnival people painted like mimes?

**MERLIN** What's up with you grumpyface?

**ARTHUR **Let's see – my sister is evil, my Dad has PTSD, Lancelot walked into a crack in time and for some reason my girlfriend's in a quivering wreck about it. Pfft, it's almost as if she were in love with him or something. That probably won't come back to haunt us later or anything…

MERLIN AND ARTHUR BANTER FTW!

Now in the great hall and OH GOD ITS THE CREEPY CABBIE FROM _SHERLOCK: STUDY IN PINK_! RUN! HIDE! DON'T LET HIM ABDUCT AND BE CREEPY AT YOU! WHERE'S BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

**CREEPY!PHIL DAVIS** *has knives in a briefcase*

He's evil. And creepy. Maybe him and Agravaine can get together and have coffee and chat about being creepy evil people sometime.

**OPENING CREDITS (are not creepy)**

**II – Sad!Uther makes me sad**

Hey, it's Arthur's birthday. At the time of writing, it is also my birthday. Shiny.

They keep calling it his anniversary though, which is weird. Meh. And Uther's going to come down and watch because he's not missing his son's birthday, no sir.

OH UTHER YOU NEED HUGS. LIKE, NOW.

Later on, the carnival has begun. And no, I'm not going to put that in a new scene because the last one was only four lines long. Bite me.

The carnival has acrobats and juggling bears, exotic girls, fire eaters. Muscle men, contortionists, intrigue, danger and romance. Electric lights, machinery and I'm suddenly getting mixed up with something else now, aren't I?

…

WHO CARES! SONG TIME (feel free to sing along):

_Once a year we throw a party here in town!_

_Once a year we turn all Paris (*cough*Camelot*cough*) upside down!_

_Ev'ry man's a king and ev'ry king's a clown,_

_Once again it's Topsy Turvy Day!_ Okay, I'll stop.

Merlin, Arthur, the Knights of the Bromance (minus one *sniffle* No, I'm not getting over it) and even Uther are having a good time. Though, Uther, I'm not sure if wine in your condition is a good idea.

**CREEPY!PHIL DAVIS** I require a volunteer- Oh, look, found one! Prince Arthur!

I'm not sure this guy understand the definition of "volunteer"

**ARTHUR** Ah, this guy doesn't seem creepy in the slightest and people who specialise in throwing knives as weapons are always entirely trustworthy! Sure! *allows himself to be tied to giant rotating wheel of doom with apple in mouth*

What's with the apple?

Uther looks way too happy about this. Is he drunk or what?

**CONCERNED!MERLIN** *is concerned*

I love Gwen's expression. It's less scared for Arthur and more: "Geez" *eyeroll*. Also, I think she has something stuck in her teeth.

**CREEPY!PHIL DAVIS** *throws three knives ending up on either side of Arthur's head and in the apple in his mouth*

**SOUNDTRACK** *is briefly ominous*

Oh look, there's Agravaine, hadn't spotted him until now. Nice for him to put in an apperance, unexplained or otherwise.

**ARTHUR** See, Merlin? Nothing to worry about *eats apple*

And we can add Arthur to the list of people whose eating of apples shows they have quite an ego. Arthur's certainly not Draco Malfoy levels though.

**CREEPY!PHIL **DAVIS Btw, the apple has a sedative in it and we're totes gonna kill Arthur. You got that, audience?

Oh, and just to up the level of creepiness, Phil Davis' character is credited as Gleeman. Because that isn't a creepy title at all, now, is it?

**III – Arthur is drunk on apples :) Amused!Merlin is amused**

Moar banter. Love.

Also, Arthur isn't wearing trousers. LOl.

**DRUNK!ARTHUR** *wonders round palace whilst Gleeman lurks and soundtrack is ominous some more*

Camelot guard death count: ... don't look at me, I lost count half way through series one.

**GLEEMAN ***conveniently choses this moment to switch from long-range throwing knives to big clumsy swords as weapon of choice I has a sword!

**ARTHUR** Well, crap *drunkenly flails with sword calling for guards*

**GLEEMAN **Goodbye, Arthur Pendragon

**UTHER** I think not.

Can I just say...? Swordfight between Anthony Head and Phil Davis... AWESOME.

Not so awesome – Uther appears to be losing. Until the Gleeman turns his attention away. Stupid villains, always turning their attention away so their opponent can get back up...

**UTHER** *sword*

**GLEEMAN** Knife, biatch! *dies*

**UTHER** ... well, this is less than ideal

Arthur is now magically not-drunk, seeing as Uther is dying and all. And it's really sad, so I'm going to skip over it because otherwise I will cry my eyes out.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, MERLIN WRITERS?

**IV – The next day**

Uther isn't dead yet, but its only a matter of time.

**ARTHUR** But I don't want him to DIE!

Oh, and here comes Agravaine again, going on about how the assassin must have been sent by Odin. Yeah, remember him? He was the bloke who sent an Adrian Lester after Arthur in a jousting tournament in series 2 but then Arthur kissed Gwen and it was shiny and we never heard from Odin again.

And why there's a rival king called Odin, I have no idea, but the Vikings want him back.

*desperately trying to think of a way to tie this back to Anthony Hopkins*

*failing*

Also, I'm going to guess that Agravaine is lying, considering his previous track record.

Lol, my computer keeps wanting to autocorrect Agravaine to Aggravating. You're not far off, autocorrect.

ARTHUR NEEDS A HUG. Can you hug him for me Merlin? Because if I could reach through my computer screen and hug Arthur right now, I would.

Poor Arthur.

Dammit, I can't write sad stuff. Please can the mood lighten up so I can be funny? I'm so much more comfortable with funny.

**V – I do believe I was right about Agravaine lying**

**AGRAVINE** Hey Morgana, what's u-

**MORPARANOIA** KNIFE!

**SOUNDTRACK** *dramatic chord of shrubberies*

**AGRAVAINE** So... Uther's dying and all this, which is cool

**MORGANA** Lovely. What about Arthur? I mean, that's who was supposed to die and all

**AGRAVAINE **Yeah, we should probably be careful with that

**MORGANA** *evilness*

Oh god, it's another Arthur/Gwen scene. Its twelve minutes in, can we get back to the plot now please?

**ARTHUR** Hey, Merlin, I know I've already pleaded with everyone but seriously, I don't want my father to DIE!

**MERLIN** ...

**ARTHUR** Teh magics?

**MERLIN** ...

**VI – Unhappy!Gaius is not happy**

**MERLIN** I can totally make myself old again and heal Uther and changed Arthur's mind about teh magics!

**GAIUS** *headdesk*

**MERLIN** Now to fabricate a story that will make perfect sense. To the forest!

**GAIUS** *HEADDESK*

Meanwhile, in Agravaine-land...

**AGRAVAINE** So, is Uther still dying? Is he? Is he though? Is he dying?

**ARTHUR **Erm, yes.

**AGRAVAINE** I'm totally not suspicious or anything

**ARTHUR** So, I'm going to get a magician to heal my father and you can't stop me.

**AGRAVAINE** ... bugger.

**VII – So, Merlin leads Arthur to that little hut that he and Lancelot found last episode and OH GOD I'M SAD!**

**ARTHUR** Scream like a big girl if there's any trouble

**MERLIN** Heh...

**HOUSE ***empty*

**MERLIN **Moar heh

**FANGIRLS **THEIR BANTER IS SO SLASHY!

**MERLIN** *casts teh spell of prosthetics*

Old!Merlin is the best thing ever. The end.

**ARTHUR** ... I broke a pot

**DRAGOON** (yeah, that's his name, remembers?) I take this opportunity to insult you. Also, I totes know that you're here to ask me to use magic to heal your father and I'm not telling you why. HA!

**ARTHUR** So... Help me old sorcerer bloke, you're my only hope...?

**DRAGOON** Only if you can totally accept that magic is good and stop us from being hunted and stuff

Ooh, and then Arthur gives his "when I'm King, things will be different" speech. Obviously everyone else giving him the same speech has rubbed off on him. Then Merlin makes some excuses and leaves.

**ARTHUR** He's weird... And where in the hell is Merlin?

**MERLIN** *anti-prosthetics*

**ARTHUR** Seriously, Merlin, where are you?

**MERLIN** Hi.

**ARTHUR** Good lord, there is definitely something very wrong with you...

Well, Arthur, you were wandering around with no trousers on earlier, you can't talk.

**VIII – Back at Camelot, happy!Merlin is happy**

**GAIUS** *continues to mentally headdesk*

**MERLIN **But... Destiny...

Our resident Bellatrix LeStrange cosplayer is not happy about this.

**MORGANA** *does teh magics on an amulet in a fire* Here, catch

**AGRAVAINE **No, no, no wait! *catches it anyway* Hey, I'm not burned. Cool.

**MORGANA** Put it around Uther's neck and any spell cast on him will have the opposite effect to what it is supposed to. Mwahahahaha!

**AGRAVAINE** But that will break Arthur completely

**MORGANA** Well, duh

Also, Gaius thinks Merlin should read more books. Especially books by dotty healers.

And oh good freaking scarf, here comes Agravaine to be creepy at Gwen some more.

**AGRAVAINE** It was cold today. Go start a fire

**GWEN** THIS IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE! *runs off*

So, why does Agravaine hate Uther so much anyway?

**IX – As Merlin and Gaius finalise the healing spell (and the audience dies of dramatic irony) Arthur comes in...**

**MERLIN** Bugger *hides behind door*

**ARTHUR** Where is Merlin?

**GAIUS **Totally not hiding behind that door

**MERLIN **Never tell Arthur that I'm in the tavern again

**GAIUS** Sure thing. *shifty eyes*

And so, outside, prosthetic-d up, Old!Merlin meets Arthur and off they go to Camelot.

**ARTHUR** Can't you walk any faster?

**DRAGOON** When 100 years old you reach, walk as fast you will not

Cue piggyback.

**FANGIRLS** *fangirl… but not as much as they would if Merlin wasn't all prosthetic'd*

**MERLIN** *having way too much fun with this*

**ARTHUR** Screw off, guards... By the way, I am totally not conspiring with a known sorcerer to heal my father...

**GUARDS** Oh, cool *screw off*

**X – And so Dragoon does teh magics on Uther and...**

**ARTHUR** Wait...

**DRAGOON** Oh, don't tell me you're getting cold feet now.

*facepalm* Arthur's gonna start waxing philosophical now, isn't he?

**DRAGOON** Magic = Destiny

This is a very waxing philosophical episode.

MERLIN NEEDS HUGS!

Hell, _Merlin_ THE SHOW needs hugs. Just, in general.

And so Dragoon casts his magics.

**AUDIENCE **Nooo! The dramatic irony! It burns!

A tense moment... And...

**UTHER** *eyes open. Captain Jack Harkness style*

**AUDIENCE **... Wah? There is hope!

**ARTHUR **Yay!

**DRAGOON** Yay!

**SOUNDTRACK** Not so fast, biatches!

And so, with no other way of putting this... Uther dies.

Yup.

Uther. Dies.

Geez.

_Merlin_ suddenly got _dark_.

I think the writers are playing some kind of "major character death bingo"... WHO'S NEXT? :D

**ARTHUR** What have you done? *sword*

**DRAGOON** No! This wasn't supposed to happen! *knocks Arthur out with teh magics and de-prosthetics*

**SOUNDTRACK** *chanting of doom*

**XI – I really don't know what to say...**

Nor does Merlin.

**GAIUS** I think I do. Enchanted amulet of doom.

**MERLIN** Morgana?

**GAIUS** Well, duh

Talking of which...

**MORGANA **Uther's dead, isn't he. Damned Arthur taking over *traumatised*

**AGRAVAINE **Hey, I'm evil. I can make sure he fails

**MORGANA** *still paranoid*

And now there follows a scene between Merlin and Arthur with Arthur blaming himself and deciding magic is pure evil and everything and it's sad.

This soundtrack is freaking haunting and beautiful, by the way

**MERLIN** This is all my fault

**AUDIENCE **FIRST LANCELOT AND NOW THIS! I MEAN, UTHER WAS A BASTARD AND ALL BUT... WAAAAAAAAAAH!

**REASSURING!GAIUS** *is reassuring*

**MERLIN** Not helping, you know.

**GAIUS** *sigh*

**XII – And the soundtrack builds to awesomeness in preparation for what we have all been waiting for...**

(Though Agravaine evilling around is a bit of a buzzkill.)

**LONG LIVE KING ARTHUR!**

**Next week:**

Erm, it involves a dragon's egg. Sorry, my emotions are too conflicted between "traumatised in corner" and "OHMYGOD EPIC!" to pay much attention right now.

:D


	4. How to Train Your CGI

**Episode Four – Aithusa**

Why does no one have spellable names anymore?

Okay, brief recap: The shiz, as they say, has gone down. Lancelot pulled a Sirius Black (Gwen blames herself), then Uther copped it (Merlin and Arthur both blame themselves), it's all Morgana's fault, unexplained!Nathaniel Parker is still unexplained and Arthur's king now.

Got all that?

Also, I'd like to mention that the I-Player screenshot for this episode is of a wet Bradley and Colin. Thanks BBC :)

**I – Sleeping people. At least, I hope they're sleeping. If there's one thing this show doesn't need it's a higher body count.**

Someone wearing an awesome coat climbs down a rope and knifes his way into a box containing... a smaller box. What is this, pass the parcel?

His eyes are very wide. I imagine this box has something interesting/cool/magical/all of the above inside it, such as a curly amulet thing covered in runes which I think is supposed to look like a dragon but kind of looks like a snail from a certain angle. Awesome coat man has an identical curly metal amulet which he sticks to the other one, but there's still a piece missing. He turns round and...

Well, that's creepy.

**FORMERLY SLEEPING PEOPLE** *staring*

**AWESOME COAT MAN** Well, that's creepy *runs for it until he reaches a cliff*

**SOUNDTRACK ***is dramatic*

**CLOAKED PEOPLE** *zombie walking*

Awesome coat man grabs one of the cloaked not-zombies. One of them attempts to persuade him not to be an idiot and give up.

**AWESOME COAT MAN** *totally not obsessed or anything* Ha! I already know where the third piece is! See ya, bitches! *shoves cloak man away and leaps over cliff like a boss*

Anyone wanna take a guess as to where this third curly metal snail amulet is.

Anyone who didn't say "Camelot" is sentenced to go sit in a corner and read _Twilight_.

**OPENING CREDITS (Ooh, Nathanial Parker gets a credit in place of Anthony Head now)**

**II – It's raining**

That doesn't happen often in this show, but it least its accurate weather for England. Gaius is minding his own business when awesome coat man knocks wetly on his door. Merlin and his bed hair are interested.

**AWESOME (WET) COAT MAN** So, yeah, back-story, execution, Uther, etc, etc, can I have a towel?

**UNIMPRESSED!GAIUS** *patiently awaiting an explanation for this bullshit*

**AWESOME COAT MAN** I has an amulet

Well, _now_ Gaius is interested.

Oh look, the amulet has a confusing name and leads the bearer to another place with a confusing name where there is a dragon's egg which awesome coat man totally wants. Only problem, he kind of needs the third part of the amulet first.

Gaius doesn't agree.

**AWESOME COAT MAN** Well, I'll be at the tavern then. Also, I'm totally a changed man and not evil or anything *leaves*

Merlin and his bed hair continue to be interested because he wants to save the dragons. Also, he can't keep his nose out of anything plot related for more than five minutes. And, Merlin, dear, this whole "saving the dragons" thing kind of depends on the baby dragon being female because, you know, biology and all that.

**ANGRY!GAIUS** *is angry*

But bed-hair Merlin can't leave well enough alone because he smells plot, so he sneaks out to go find the Great Dragon and tell him about the egg.

Nah, Great Dragon, you can't be the last of your kind. That's Sean Connery's job

**GREAT DRAGON** You must retrieve the egg

**MERLIN** Dammit. Mixed signals suck

**GREAT DRAGON** Screw Gaius. I'm totally going to guilt trip you by mentioning your father now

**MERLIN** GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH FINE!

**III – I cannot help laughing at the shot of Merlin entering the tavern...**

Because I've seen the outtake where Colin Morgan decides to cartwheel for some reason. It's awesome :) All the Merlin outtakes are awesome.

**BORDEN** I has a knife!

**MERLIN** Why does everyone attack me when I come over to help them?

Why do I feel like Borden has anger issues.

**MERLIN **I want to see a dragon's egg, because it's awesome

**BORDEN** Go away

**MERLIN** I can totes get you into where the amulet is kept

Ah, I do love that being king now does not eliminate Arthur's weird need to sleep shirtless. However his awareness appears to have increased as he actually wakes up for once when Merlin is going through his keys. And his expression is awesome.

I think it might be classic Merlin-excuse time!

**ARTHUR** Get out

I love sleepy Arthur.

**ARTHUR** Also I kind of need that belt with the convenient keys on it

**MERLIN** Why must you make everything so difficult?

I smell wacky hijinks!

I cannot describe the next scene in words. I can only surmise that the writers of Merlin know exactly who their fanbase are. But Merlin gets the key and Agravaine looks suitably bemused throughout.

**IV – Later that night...**

**BORDEN **I'm beginning to like you, Merlin

Dammit, Merlin, why must you have chemistry with EVERYONE IN THE WORLD?

And so, down to the vaults do Merlin and Borden and Borden's awesome coat go. Luckily, Merlin appears to have grown some common sense and will not go any further than necessary, meaning Borden has to get past the guards himself. Apparently his tactic for this is throwing a coin.

**BORDEN** I'm Two-Face now

And then he punches a guard in the face. Like a boss. Through a gate covered in cobwebs and down to find lots of boxes. He plays search-the-boxes for a while before finding his amulet and laughing in a half-hooray and half-i-might-be-evil way. He and Merlin then escape and...

**BORDEN** Backstabbing times! *thwacks Merlin on the head and knocks him unconscious through the door*

Yup, evil.

**V – Merlin wakes up the next day and goes to return the key...**

More wacky/slashy hijinks ensue.

**ARTHUR** I'm getting slightly concerned about you

But the alarms have sounded and it's time to investigate what has been stolen. Time for Gaius to explain everything to Arthur and Agravaine (who I swear has suddenly sprouted grey hairs).

**ARTHUR** We're going on a dragon hunt! KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE, ASSEMBLE!

**ANGRY!MERLIN** *is angry*

**ANGRY!GAIUS** *is angrier*

Gaius has a point, you know. I wouldn't trust Borden, he kind of thwacked you in the head. But no time to dwell on that, it is time for the Knights of the Round Table Bromance to ride off on their quest.

**VI – Luckily the CGI smoke in the CGI forest will show them where to go!**

But it is time to rest for the night.

Ah, I *heart* the Knights.

However, Merlin senses something suspicious! Not that we get to dwell on that, the Knights are too busy being amusing. However, with that little detour of random over...

**MYSTERIOUS VOICE** Emrys...

**MERLIN** Gah!

Merlin follows the voice through the trees...

**VOICE** Emrys...

**MERLIN** Be patient!

And he finds... The creepy staring not-zombie druids all standing around

**MERLIN** Wow, how do you just appear like that? It's cool... Kinda creepy, but cool

**DRUID LEADER** Borden went this way about three hours ago. Also, the tomb is totally booby trapped so be careful about that. Also, we has riddles.

**MERLIN** Useful.

**DRUID LEADER** And the image of a Weeping Angel becomes an Angel

**MERLIN** ... thanks?

Next morning... Frustrated!Merlin is frustrated.

**MERLIN** He went east, I can sense it

**ARTHUR** Sense is not a word I associate with you, Merlin

**KNIGHTS** Actually, sir, he's kind of right about this...

**ARTHUR** ... damn

They come across a cave... WHICH THEY TOTALLY HAVEN'T USED IN ANY PREVIOUS SEASONS WE SWEAR *shifty eyes*

**MERLIN **Let's go into the cave

**ARTHUR** Let's not go into the cave

**SIR JEFF** Actually, we kind of need to go into the cave

**ARTHUR** ... damn

**VII – So through the cave they trek to a waterfall...**

Which Arthur walks through. Like a boss. Cue wet Knights.

If only briefly. And the music soars as they reach a pretty tower of prettiness

**ARROWS** We think not

**SIR JEFF** *arrowed in leg*

NOOOO! Not Sir Jeff!

**BORDEN** I'm Hawkeye now, bitch.

**MERLIN** *teh magics crossbow out of Borden's hands*

**BORDEN** Well, crap *runs off before Arthur can find him*

**SOUNDTRACK** *suspiciously similar to Jaws theme*

Merlin then almost runs into a spiky branch, which Arthur suspects Borden has left as a trap. Or, you know, it could just be a spiky branch. Maybe spiky branches are the Arthurian era equivalent of that classic invisible-cheese-wire-at-neck-height trap.

Once again the Knights make camp, only for sneaky Borden to sneak up on them with something weird to slingshot into the stew.

**WRITERS** See? Merlin's awesome cooking is a plot point!

Because Borden's slingshot thing sent them all to sleep/poisoned them. Luckily Merlin has anti-poison magics...

And now he shall run to the tower of doom, following Borden.

**BORDEN** *uses amulet key* Haha! I win.

**MERLIN** No!

**EVIL GARGOYLE HEAD** I hope you've got a gas mask

**BORDEN** Why?

**EVIL GARGOYLE HEAD** Because of the gas

**BORDEN** What gas?

**EVIL GARGOYLE HEAD **This gas *gasses Borden*

**MERLIN** *drives gas away with teh magics* Well, he's probably dead *wanders into pillar-filled chamber with pretty, blue, tear-shaped dragon's egg at the end*

**BORDEN** Not dead! Give me the egg! We can rule the world together

**MERLIN** You know, that argument was far more persuasive when it was Nimueh giving it and I kind of exploded her with lightning. Also, how are you supposed to split a dragon half ways metaphorically?

**BORDEN** But... My meaningless life...

**MERLIN** Erm, how about no.

**BORDEN** I'll totally kill you with this torch and take the dragon myself

**MERLIN** I am the last Dragonlord. Bitch.

**BORDEN** Oh bugger

And Merlin magics Borden to go flying across the room and land in a heap.

**MERLIN** Well, he's probably dead now

So he removes the egg from the plinth and I don't think Merlin's ever seen an Indiana Jones film because doing that never ends well. Such as the gear noises that are suddenly filling the air.

Also, isn't this place supposed to be a guy's tomb? Where's the coffin?

I love it when the booby trap is basically "entire building falls to bits." How does that even work anyway? Meh, teh magics probably.

So, Borden's definitely dead now.

**MERLIN** And the egg totally died too

**VIII – Back in Camelot, in the pretty sunset...**

**GAIUS** So, you didn't save the egg?

**MERLIN** No

**GAIUS ***bitchplz face*

**MERLIN** *lols* Yeah, I totally saved the egg!

Gaius then attempts to guilt trip Merlin about thinking before he acts. Now, what is he supposed to do with this egg now? And keeping it for a pet and calling it Norbert is out of the question...

**IX – So Merlin takes it to a tree stump and summons the Great Dragon to be impressed**

**GREAT DRAGON** So, you kind of have to make it hatch now

It's not the best breeding cycle, relying on a Dragon Lord to make the eggs hatch.

**GREAT DRAGON** You must give the dragon a name

**MERLIN **Well, this episode's title hasn't come up yet so... Let's go with Aithusa

And the egg hatches (fairly quickly, I might add) into the most adorable baby dragon - no, make that most adorable dragon in general - I have ever seen, ever. Apart from Toothless. And the best part is, it's a good omen for Albion :D

AND WE FINALLY GET A HAPPY ENDING! THANK YOU MERLIN WRITERS!

I still want to hug everyone though.

**Next week...** Lindsey Duncan is not happy. Oh dear.


	5. We spent our battle budget on Doctor Who

**Episode Five – His Father's Son**

And I already know this episode should be good because it has Lindsey Duncan in it and she is epic.

**PEOPLE WHO SAW THE WATERS OF MARS** _Doooooooom..._

Oh shush.

**I – A Knight of Camelot is running...**

As we do not yet know who he is, is anyone here willing to take bets on how long he'll last?

Also, some bandits are chasing him. Well, that reduced his life expectancy by quite a lot.

**ANGRY CELTS** Raaaaaaaarrrrrgh!

In the forest the knight turns and...

Dear crap, its Merlin. Merlin is wearing a Knight-of-the-Round-Table flappy cloak and chainmail. I hope they explain this at some point soon. On the other hand, his life expectancy has just shot back up. On the other, other hand... Yum.

**MERLIN ***narrowly escapes pick axe to the crotch*

However, the angry Celts have him surrounded at a dead end! What will he do?

**MERLIN** I has a pick axe and I is not afraid to use it

**BEARDY-CELTY-NOT!JAMES BOND** Hahaha! Mine is an evil laugh!

But luckily here come the knights of the round table in all their awesomeness to save Merlin via arrows! And look badass. And then Arthur jumps off a cliff like an awesome.

**OPENING CREDITS (What? Now? But it was just getting awesome!)**

**II – You skipped to the end of the awesome battle of awesome? No fair**

**AGRAVAINE** I caught a beardy Celt who is not James Bond but looks like him!

**ONE OF THE KNIGHTS** *has rock star hair*

But Agravaine would very much like Arthur to know that beardy leader is wearing the royal crest of Caerleon, and our beardy friend is, in fact, the King himself.

Are we not going to get an explanation for Merlin being in Knight gear? No? Okay then. Not that I' complaining, mind…

**AGRAVAINE** I'm going to guilt trip you by mentioning your father and how you have to live up to him

**ARTHUR** Why do I get the feeling this is going to be happening a lot this series?

Agravaine first wants to propose a treaty, but no one is going to

**AGRAVAINE **Oh goody! So we can has execution tiems nao?

Oh dear, moral issues. I feel for poor Arthur. He's stuck in a rut and no matter what choice he makes it'll probably turn out badly.

**ARTHUR** Sometimes I hate being part of the cultural media and the clichés it pertains

**AGRAVAINE **Well, we must have a plot

**SUSPICIOUS!MERLIN** *is suspicious*

**ARTHUR** MY BRAIN HURTS!

**MERLIN **Would now be a good time to try and convince-

**ARTHUR** NO! GO AWAY!

**MERLIN **Ooookaaaaaay...

The next morning:

**MERLIN **So, how about now?

**ARTHUR** _Fine_

And so a moral discussion about Uther and his example and Arthur being convinced he isn't worthy of Uther and the like occurs.

**ARTHUR **Sometimes I feel like half my life is conversations about moral dilemmas. Now hush and let me make bad decisions so that we can has plot

**MERLIN** *facepalm*

To be fair, Caerleon is being a bit of an idiot too, by being all "screw you, I'd rather die than look weak". Though it is kind of awesome to hear the phrase "Arthur Pendragon, King of Camelot." *happyshivers*

**CAERLEON** I patronise you. Now kill me already

**ARTHUR** So be it.

Arthur, you really didn't need to sound so cocky about it.

**III – And thus the Knights return to Camelot where Gaius does much watching from windows**

Whilst Agravaine does his evil thing and convinces Arthur further that he made the right decision and there is much irony.

**ARTHUR** More moral discussion

**MERLIN **Ah, isn't it wonderful? So, you don't regret what you did?

**ARTHUR **Clean my room

**MERLIN** But-

**ARTHUR** Cleaning.

**MERLIN** Ooookaaaaaay... *sigh* Dear Princess Celestia, today attempted to convince Arthur that you shouldn't push your friends away when you need them most but he, of course, ignored me, half because he is a prat but mostly because we sort of need a plot

…

**THE DOCTOR **What the heck was that?

**SYLAR** I have not one clue. Looks like Queen's found something new to reference

**NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM** So you're saying she doesn't need us anymore?

**THE GREAT SPOCK PRIME DRAGON** Oh ye of little faith

**SHERLOCK** I'm here too...

**MERLIN** DO YOU MIND? I'M TRYING TO HAVE A DEEP AND MEANINGFUL DISCUSSION HERE!

**LOKI LAUFEYSON** Ehehehe…

**ARTHUR** What was that?

**MERLIN** *shifty eyes* Nothing.

**ARTHUR **Good. Now, get to cleaning.

To be honest, Arthur, you did most of the protecting Camelot even when Uther was alive. He just chopped people's heads off. It seems to me you're just combining the two roles.

**IV – Arthur was at least kind enough to let the beardy Celts take Caerleon's body back to his own castle...**

Where we are introduced to Queen Lindsey Duncan. Who is not happy. And quite possibly overreacting a little bit.

**QUEEN ANNIS** The whole of Camelot will pay for this!

**CAMELOT** *sigh*

Meanwhile, Agravaine is busy being creepy some more. Also, he refers to being Arthur's advisor for "these past few months". Is he talking about months since his still unexplained arrival or months since Uther's death, because the former seems more likely yet Arthur isn't exactly grieving beyond all this angst over whether he is worthy of being Uther's son. And considering this is series four, you'd have thought he'd learned that by now. Hm, maybe he's in denial. And I'm not talking about the river in Egypt.

**AGRAVAINE** Actually, I'm here to talk about your dating habits.

**ARTHUR **What's wrong with Gwen? I'm the King; I can do whatever I want

*insert Lion King reference of choice here. I know I'm going through the lines prior to 'I Just Can't Wait to be King' in my head. Don't pretend you aren't*

Can't we hold off the romance subplot and go back to evil Queen Lindsey Duncan?

**AGRAVAINE** Shush. I'm being manipulative

Why do I get the feeling that Morgana is behind this? You know, because ruining the king and his girlfriend's relationship is a great way to get your hands on the throne… *facepalm*

**V – Cut to Arthur boxing, and anyone who has seen the episode of Lewis with Bradley James in it will know why this is funny**

**MERLIN** Please don't punch me in the face

**SIR LEON** I am here to prevent Merlin from being permanently harmed. Also, there is an army approaching. Turns out executing that king wasn't such a great idea afterwards.

**ARTHUR** Dammit! Why did nobody tell me?

Which means it is time to plan a battle!

**AGRAVAINE** Long live the king!

You liar.

**VI – GAH! ITS BELLATRIX LE FAY COME TO SMIRK SOME MORE!**

On an unrelated note, what the heck did Merlin do with that dragon that hatched last episode?

Also, Morgana's broken into Annis' castle, not Camelot, by the looks of things.

**GUARD** Halt!

**MORGANA** Relax. I'm evil, like you, so it's cool. Can I talk to the queen?

One jump cut later:

**ANNIS** Morgana Pendragon!

Yes, we know who she is.

Queen Annis appears to be taking Morgana's dress sense from series 1 and 2 up to eleven. That looks like an entire bear draped over the back of that throne.

**UNIMPRESSED!ANNIS** *is unimpressed by Morgana and her dreadlocks of evil*

Sneaky Morgana, luckily, is sneaky and appeals to Annis using her dead not-biological father.

**UNIMPRESSED!ANNIS** *still awaiting an explanation for this bullshit*

**MORGANA** *kneels* My cleavage and I appeal to you to help me defeat Arthur

**SOUNDTRACK** *is dramatic*

**ANNIS** Well, when you put it like that…

**VII – Sarcastic!Merlin is sarcastic**

**MERLIN** I mean, going out into the wilderness every other episode for unknown and weirdly varying amounts of time. Seriously writers, what's up with that? This is the last night that you and I will spend in a proper bed…

**ME **Resist temptation resist temptation resist temptation resist temptation

**WRITERS** *say it for me*

I LOVES YOU MERLIN WRITERS! I LOVES YOU, YOU EVIL, FANGIRL-BAITING BASTARDS YOU!

Arthur has a flappy cloak with an oversized hood. I smell mischief. Nah, he's going down to see Gwen.

**ARTHUR** Yeah, wouldn't mind sharing a bed with her, heh heh

**GWEN** This is nice. I'm getting some screen time this series

**ARTHUR** Alright, time to go for every romantic comedy cliché in the book except for the part where it's entirely serious... I'm breaking up with you and it's not your fault and Agravaine totally didn't tell me to do this at all *shifty eyes*

Gwen. Slap him. Please.

**GWEN** *doesn't slap him*

*facepalm*

And the point of hiding in a flappy blue cloak was... ? Gah, maybe it was cold.

**VIII – The Knights certainly do assemble themselves neatly in that courtyard.**

What? No rousing speech? Okay then.

Gaius and Gwen wax philosophical for a bit and then Arthur poses on a cliff. Because angst. Also, the hugeass army.

**AGRAVAINE** Well, we're screwed.

Luckily, though Arthur is angsting, the Knights of the Round Tables' bromance is still strong. Despite there being one member missing. No, I'm still not over it.

**ARTHUR** We should all get some sleep.

Buzzkill.

**KNIGHTS** Screw that. Let's bring the bromance to him

And they do so.

Elyan continues to be Sir Common Sense, by the way.

**KNIGHTS **We'll awkwardly backtrack out of this tent now then

STOP ANGSTING ARTHUR!

...

HUGS!

Also: Arthur's decision was the best for Camelot my arse. He didn't have a choice. Caerleon flat out chose execution over co-operation and Agravaine pretty much told Arthur what the choice was anyway because he was being a manipulative bastard. Anyway, that doesn't really matter, what matters is that all the knights of Camelot are a-sleeping. Cue someone sneaking out... But awake!Merlin sneaks out to follow him!

**MERLIN** *trips loudly*

**CLOAKED PERSON** *is Arthur* Hm, nothing suspicious at all *carries on*

**MERLIN** *follows. Because he is Merlin and that is how he rolls*

What is Arthur doing? He's going straight to the enemy camp, of course. Because that's intelligent.

ARTHUR Take me to your leader

I rather like the music in the background of this scene, by the way :)

Well, at least Annis has slapped Arthur. Makes up for Gwen not doing it earlier.

ARTHUR Please, let's not have a war. Let's go with single combat instead.

**ANNIS** Why?

**ARTHUR** The BBC took our epic battles budget and gave it to _Henry V_, they're gonna need it. Besides, we are only five episodes in after all. Also, to avoid bloodshed. Deal?

Oh dear, it seems Merlin has been caught snooping. That plot point goes all of nowhere.

**ANNIS **I agree to your deal, by the way. Bye!

She is a very angry person.

This is followed by an argument between Arthur and Merlin. HUGS!

**ARTHUR** Please stop trying to save my life

**MERLIN ***facepalm*

**IX – The next morning, in the red corner**

**LEON **But, we could totally win the battle!

Erm, no you couldn't. You may have the higher ground but did you see the size of that friggin' army?

Cue Knights jostling for who is going to fight, because loyalty is adorable.

**ARTHUR** Erm, no, I'll fight

To be fair, at least Agravaine's evil smirk is a bit more subtle than Morgana's.

Talking of whom...

I love manipulative Morgana, lounging in the corner being smug. And what is with her eyeshadow?

**MORGANA** I can totally magic him to make sure he looses

**ANNIS** Teh awesomes!

**BOTH** *girly evil giggle*

Morgana also likes to jump-scare Agravaine, which is fun. He deserves it, the creepy, unexplained person :)

She puts a spell on what I assume is Arthur's sword. Or maybe it's Annis'. Or something. I really don't know.

**AGRAVAINE** Can we get some subtitles for her?

And then Morgana sets the sword on FIRE. AWESOME. And whatever she did, apparently Arthur is as good as dead.

**X – And so, to the day of the battle...**

**ARTHUR** If I do not make it back alive please tell Gwen that-

**MERLIN **GAH! THE CLICHE! IT BURNS!

**ARTHUR** o_O

**MERLIN** I meant: Good luck *shifty eyes*

**ARTHUR** Thank you, my old friend

DEEP AND MEANINGFUL LOOKS OF SADNESS AND FRIENDSHIP YAY!

But wait... A sword of doom! And now Agravaine's smirking is a little less subtle.

And Annis' champion is... A really tall muscle man whose weird leather vest armour thing is nowhere near as awesome as Sir Jeff's chainmail vest. And thus the fight begins. I'm not very good at describing fights. This is a bit like the part of every Indiana Jones movie where he fights the giant mook. Except the booby trapped treasure castle was last week. Also, this giant mook really doesn't like the sight of his own blood.

Morgana looks fairly inconspicuous standing amongst all the beardy Celt warriors in that cloak of hers.

**MORGANA** *neatly explains what the enchantment she put on the sword does* Spell tiems!

The spell apparently makes Arthur's sword really heavy. Which is nowhere near as awesome as all that fire a couple of scenes ago suggested. I feel slightly cheated.

Giant mook does not react to being punched in the face.

Luckily, Merlin has his own magics to combat Morgana's. The music suddenly becomes the Master's theme tune briefly as Arthur is floored and the mook raises his sword to finish him off but Merlin's magic causes him to drop the sword which Arthur grabs and... Spares him. Because he has learned his lesson for this episode, it seems.

**KNIGHTS** Long live the King!

**MORGANA** Fuck it!

**ARTHUR** Cool. Now do I get a giant pointy rock to climb up and be badass?

And Annis seems pretty cool with all this too, agreeing to get rid of her army by nightfall and even shaking his, erm, arm (o_O)

**ANNIS **Why did you spare my champion?

**ARTHUR** Because today I learned that it is not victory I seek, it is peace.

**MERLIN **Dear Princess Celestia...

**OTHER FANDOM CHARACTERS** SHUT IT!

**ANNIS** There is something about you, Arthur Pendragon...

**ARTHUR** Please stop, I heard that enough in the first series :)

Morgana, on the other hand, is not so happy.

**ANNIS** I've decided that you are a bitch and I don't want to work with you because Arthur is awesome and has all the right morals.

**MORGANA** Your weakness amuses me. I shall continue to obsessively try and kill Arthur and regain the throne of Camelot. Bye!

**ANNIS** Wow. You are totally like Uther.

**MORGANA ***leaves, fuming*

**XI – In Camelot, there is much celebrating**

With bunting. Can't have a proper party without bunting. Meanwhile, there is more Arthur and Merlin banter.

**MERLIN** Cabbagehead.

It's not as good as 'clotpole'.

Unamused!Agravaine is unamused.

But all Arthur really wants is a nice rest. But in comes Gwen. Erm... Arthur is in bed. I'm not sure where you're going with this scene writers. But Arthur got Gwen flowers, so she doesn't hate him anymore.

She still should have slapped him though.

Shame, this, really. Gwen and Arthur having a bit of a feud would have made a nice running plot point for a few episode.

And so they kiss.

And then they'll probably have sex.

Because seriously, they are in Arthur's bedroom.

I can see straight through you, Merlin writers.

**Next week...**

Merlin's gonna get captured and tied up and brainwashed to become evil and it'll be hot and ironic and is it bad that I want this episode now please thank you and goodbye!


	6. In which Morgana is creepy and kinky

**Episode Six – A Servant of Two Masters (Ooh, kinky)**

As I am writing this, I am eating cake. Yes, go on, be jealous ;) It's lemon sponge.

Also, just before I jump in, I have been looking forward to this episode since I saw the teaser at the end of last week's episode. Two reasons: Merlin being manhandled and evil!Merlin. This is made of win. Also, it is hot. Also, Dragoon is back, which is always a plus. My only worry is that they will play it for laughs instead of drama. You guys, having already seen it, will now either be saying "don't worry, Queen, it'll be all right" or feeling the finger of dramatic irony poke you hard in the shin. But I do not know, so let's get started!

They are never going to explain why Merlin was wearing knight's armour at the beginning of last episode, are they?

**I – The Knights of Camelot are riding...**

In epic slo-mo ;)

They come across some ruins (don't worry, they are not slo-mo any more) and Merlin is not too pleased with whatever the heck is going on. They are at the valley of the fallen kings or something, I wasn't paying enough attention

**ARTHUR** I am slowly turning into the most reckless King that Camelot has ever had!

**MERLIN ***facepalm*

So then they are chased by some angry not!Celts-who-aren't-the-ones-from-last-week and Sir Jeff roars in their faces because Sir Jeff is Percival, and he is a badass. Also, Merlin telekinetics a guy off his horse in broad daylight but Arthur does not notice because he is too busy fighting not!Celts.

And then Merlin is stabbed.

Yeah, you heard me. Merlin just got stabbed by some angry not!Celt with a sword.

And thus the series ended. Bye!

No, not really.

**OPENING CREDITS (You know, I think I prefer the images in this version than the last three series. Yes, even the Arthur/Gwen kiss. Also, it means we get to see Lancelot and Uther every week even though they are technically dead and/or having tea behind the veil with Sirius Black. I'm rambling)**

**II – And, for a change, we do not open post-credits in Camelot**

In fact, we are still in the forest, where Arthur is hiding Merlin from the axe-weilding not!Celts. No word on what the other knights are up to and whether it involves marshmallows and pillowfights.

Also, Merlin is still alive and taking the whole being stabbed thing quite well.

**MERLIN** If I die, will you call me a hero?

**ARTHUR** You ask the weirdest questions.

They are playing the _Lion King_-ish music again. It kind of works with this heartfelt conversation, but it does make me think that sooner or later one of them will be killed horribly in a stampede by a jealous Morgana going "Long live the Queen." In the voice of Jeremy Irons.

And suddenly it is morning, but they are still in the forest so I won't put in a scene transition.

And Merlin's condition appears to have worsened. That's what you get for sleeping in the middle of a forest with an open wound susceptible to infection! It does mean Arthur puts Merlin in a fireman's lift over his shoulder though, which is a plus.

**MERLIN** Please leave me behind

**ARTHUR** You're weird. Wait! I can hear the soundtrack and it tells me danger is coming, in the form of one bloke walking down some steps! *puts Merlin down rather too heavily than is necessary and draws sword*

Its more not!Celts come to make angry noises and get their arses handed to them by Arthur, King of swordfights. However, I do not think Merlin is enjoying this.

**NOT!CELTS** Grrrr!

**MERLIN **Well, I guess the only solution is, once again, teh magics

**ROCKS** *fall*

**ARTHUR** *is separated from Merlin by rockfall*

And unconscious!Merlin is unconscious.

But who is behind this attack? It cannot be... Agravaine and Morgana! Well I never!

**MORGANA** This is not in any way groovy

**AGRAVAINE **But-

**MORGANA** Also, if Gaius finds out that you're evil I'll totally kill you *hinthint*

**AGRAVAINE** You are such a stroppy teenager. Hm, killing time!

**MORGANA **Nah! I has a better idea...

Even friggin' Morgana ships Merlin and Arthur.

**AGRAVAINE** Why do I get the feeling this is going to end badly?

**III – And we cut to Merlin chained up in Morgana's cottage being drenched in water**

**AGRAVAINE** Oh, that'll be why. Good lord, Morgana, you are either kinkily scary or scarily kinky

Merlin has, of course, not a friggi'n clue what is going on

**MORGANA** Don't you recognise me?

**MERLIN** Helena Bonham Carter? Is this where Tim Burton keeps you between movies?

Morgana's being creepy. Luckily, Merlin is being awesomely sarcastic in return.

**MORGANA** Whatevs. Maybe you can actually do some good before you die

(People who get that quote get lollipops)

NO! NO! DON'T CUT AWAY FROM THIS! PLEASE! YES, I KNOW I'M EXCEPTIONALLY WEIRD FOR FINDING THIS SORT OF STRANGELY HOT BUT oh, It's the Knights of the Round Bromance. I'm good.

**ARTHUR** Behind you!

**SIR LEON AND HALF THE AUDIENCE** *jumps*

**IV – Well, we're not going to linger on that scene. Back to Camelot!**

Camelot's looking very bright and clean this morning.

**GAIUS** Where's Merlin?

Welcome back home to you too, Gaius.

**ARTHUR** He's alive... Last I saw of him he was still alive

**GAIUS** Well, that's incredibly reassuring

**ARTHUR** I know, right?

Gah! Seriously with the scenes less than half a minute long! Anyway, back in Morgana's hovel of witchery...

**MERLIN **This is either extremely not good or the weirdest sex I have ever had

**MORGANA** Shush and answer my villainous questions of villainy. Why are you so loyal to Arthur?

**MERLIN** You have no sense of loyalty. Well, not since series two, anyway

**MORGANA** I'M SO ALOOOOOONE!

**MERLIN** If my hands were free, I would facepalm

**MORGANA** Teh evil magics tiems! This is Halloween, this is Halloween, pumpkins scream in the dead of night and Queen is a week late for this reference!

How come Morgana can still afford eyeshadow and yet not appear to own a hairbrush?

MAGICAL LENS FLARES OF DOOM! EVERYONE GET DOWN!

**MORGANA** I got that spell off JJ Abrams. *walks off leaving nature of evil lens flare spell ambiguous*

**V – The Knights have scoured the forest with a scrubbing brush, but found nothing**

**ARTHUR **Scour it again. I want it so scoured I could see my face reflected in it

**AGRAVAINE** My fake grief, let me share it to you

Luckily we have now established one thing. They have a traitor in their midst.

**AGRAVAINE** Ah...

Morgana appears to own a very weird amulet that looks like a tree crossed with Medusa. Also, Merlin is conscious again so whatever that previous spell was for I have no idea. And I think Morgana really likes fire, this is the second episode in a row where she's used teh magics to set something on fire, not to mention all the previous times she's done it. And from the fire emerges a mini-hydra. Aw, how cute it is, in a snakey way. Voldemort would be proud.

**MORGANA **It's a Formorra

No, it's a hydra. It looks like a hydra; I'm calling it a hydra. Seriously, you mucked up what a cockatrice looks like back in series one, I have every right to call this thing a hydra. Not to mention that whole Philosopher's Stone insanity.

And for a change, Morgana gets the creature-of-the-week exposition dump instead of Gaius, and only ten minutes in. I'm impressed.

Morgana's voice is sounding more and more like Harley Quinn, I swear. Except Irish.

Then she beheads one of the hydra heads. Ah, don't worry; it'll grow three more in its place, that's what Hydra's do.

**HYDRA** *only grows one head back*

Is it weird that I find this creature kind of adorable, in a snakey way? Especially just the one little head still looking around and hissing all confused. Morgana probably feels the same way, the way she's talking to it. She then approaches Merlin in a sinister way.

**MORGANA** You are totally going to kill Arthur Pendragon *attaches snake head to Merlin's neck* Tee hee, I love mind control!

Why is it that all villains seem to get a kick out of mind control?

**VI – Ooh, Hello topless!Arthur, haven't seen you in a while**

**ARTHUR** What in the hell?

**SOME RANDOMER** Hi. I'm your new servant and I am creepily efficient. And really, really posh

**ARTHUR** Gah! A weird person just stepped in off the street and took over Merlin's job randomly and he's creepily efficient! Help!

**SOME RANDOMER** I am not some randomer. I am George. Unfortunately not the one from _Being Human_, which is a shame, because at least he and Merlin have the same ears. And I'm really, really posh

**ARTHUR** Help?

Cue Arthur/Gwen scene, having made up annoyingly easily after their tiff last episode.

**GWEN** Your worrying about Merlin makes me feel weirdly jealous

Seriously, he's either the most devoted master in history or just that scared of George poshface

**GWAINE** Don't worry Gwen, I'll be here to snark at him because I'm worth it

**ARTHUR** I will return

**GWEN** You'd better

I wish all farewell scenes between couples were this straightforward.

Erm... Why is Merlin a zombie now? Oh well, he looks oddly pleased to see Arthur.

**ARTHUR** Wow, you send several search parties across the whole forest and they find nothing and yet when I go out with just Sir Snark-a-lot of the awesome hair for company and we find you straight away. And why do you look like a zombie?

**THIS EPISODE** *never explains why Merlin was a zombie*

**VIII – I don't believe it. Merlin's scarf is actually a plot point**

It hides the evil snake head from view, you see.

Also, I love that assassin!Merlin is really sarcastic and enunciates his words more clearly than usual. It's like he's been taking jerkarse lessons jointly from the Draco Malfoy of the books/films and the one from A Very Potter Musical/Sequel.

He's also the least subtle assassin ever.

**EVIL!MERLIN** Poisons Y/Y?

**GAIUS** ... Indeed

Evil!Merlin then goes and poisons Arthur's food. Tres subtle, evil!Merlin. Also, the cook has the best threats ever. Then we see Gwaine with a glove in his mouth... For some reason. I love random!Gwaine.

Fortunately, Gwen has already served Arthur some lunch because... romantic? Cue bitch fight.

At least evil!Merlin hasn't gone the Morgana route of evil smirking at every opportunity, but that might just be because things aren't going his way.

**MERLIN** Grr

**GAIUS **Can I help?

**MERLIN **No

**GAIUS** Would you like to share the problem with me?

**ME** *mental image of psychiatrist!Gaius with a clipboard and evil!Merlin on a couch. Don't ask me what's up with the clipboard.*

**MERLIN **No.

**GAIUS** Well, sometimes two heads are better than one

**MERLIN** ... No

**GAIUS** o_O

**IX – Ah, we're in the armoury. Now something cool is bound to happen. And even if not, we can all stare at Sir Leon.**

**SIR LEON** This crossbow is a thing of beauty and I love it and I treasure I and I call it Vera

**EVIL!MERLIN** *continues to be less than subtle*

Evil!Merlin then makes a barrel explode using a crossbow. Which is awesome. The weirdest thing is, I didn't even see an arrow in that crossbow.

**SIR LEON** And you want a crossbow why?

**EVIL!MERLIN** To kill Arthur

**SIR LEON** Driving you mad, is he?

**EVIL!MERLIN** Not for much longer :D

Just the delivery of those lines made that scene perfect. Thank you, world.

So Merlin sets up quite an effective trap if I do say so myself. But Arthur Pendragon is, indeed, the King of inconvenient/convenient (depending on your point of view) timing. I will say this in Evil!Merlin's favour: he's a lot better at hiding things than normal!Merlin.

**ARTHUR** Don't worry, Merlin, I don't think you want to kill me

**FINGER OF IRONY** *Poke. Poke. Poke.*

Meanwhile, in the town, all the pigs have died from eating the poisoned food evil!Merlin threw into their sty, and for some reason it seems to have become the number one attraction in Camelot. Maybe the peasants are just that bored. Suspicious!Gwen is suspicious. Gauis confirms that the poison used was Aconite, which any self-respecting Harry Potter fan will know is also called Monk's Hood or Wolf's Bane. Who says Snape isn't a good teacher?

**GAIUS** OMG, Merlin is an evil!Merlin!

As anyone with half an eye can tell. Well done, Gaius, you're not stupid. *sigh* Camelot is severely lacking in common sense. That said, I bet Elyan would have noticed immediately, being the official Knight of Common Sense and all, and seeing as Gwen was the one who helped put two and two together, it must run in the family.

I also love how in every episode where Merlin is somehow indisposed Gwen sort of becomes honoury!Merlin.

**X – And so it is super-Gaius and his sidekick Gwen of the Common Sense to the rescue!**

Via an extremely smiley Sir Leon. For serious, Sir Leon, why you so happy?

I think evil!Merlin may have put Sir Leon under a spell. That would explain his happy mood and casualness.

Meanwhile, in the room of Arthur:

Arthur is shirtless again :D

Also, Merlin just reset his trap.

Arthur is wondering who could be the traitor in Camelot, and is suspecting of Sir Jeff, however Merlin quite nicely points out that it probably isn't Sir Jeff, after that whole deal with Cenred and all.

**EVIL!MERLIN** You must get dressed

**FANGIRLS** No he must not!

**EVIL!MERLIN** Hush, fangirls!

**ARTHUR** Are you talking to the fangirls?

**EVIL!MERLIN** No *shifty eyes*

And then, for some reason, the trap doesn't go off (and Arthur doesn't notice it either, lol). Confused/Evil!Merlin is confusified. Then it does go off when Merlin opens the door. Tee hee.

**ARTHUR** Can you get my ceremonial sword?

**EVIL!MERLIN** Of course

**EVIL!MERLIN'S EXPRESSION** Screw your ceremonial sword.

**ARTHUR** I think you might be the only person I can trust, Merlin

*rubs shin* Ow.

Then occurs weirdness/awesomeness/humour as Gaius and Gwen enter just as evil!Merlin is about to kill Arthur with his ceremonial sword and suddenly he trips and is knocked out and I'm not sure if it was just a coincidence or I missed something or teh magics but, yeah, evil!Merlin is unconscious now.

And then Gwen whacks him with a jug, because Gwen is just awesome sometimes. Anyway, time to cure Merlin! Aw, he was evil far too little.

No, Gaius, we've already had this episode's exposition from Morgana; we don't need it from you as well.

**GWEN** I do

Hush.

**GAIUS** This is a very delicate operation. Poultice.

**GWEN** *hands poultice*

**GAIUS** *dabs poultice* Scalpel

**GWEN** *hands scalpel* I don't like where this is going for Saturday night family viewing...

**GAIUS** Don't worry, they won't show anything on camera

Gwen's disgusted expressions are rather amusing. But she keeps looking, because she is just badass sometimes. Gaius extracts the snakey head and throws it on the fire. That was easy. Except for the part where Merlin now has a hole in his neck, presumably.

**XI – Cut to Mister Creepy himself, Agravaine.**

Arthur wishes to discuss something with him.

**AGRAVAINE** I'm not a traitor, I'm totally not a traitor, I loved my sister Igraine and you are the only thing left of her I'm seriously not a traitor please don't kill me please.

**ARTHUR** *glare of doom*

**AGRAVAINE** ... Gaius = traitor Y/Y?

Cue the next day, and Merlin feels fine... But wait a minute... Hydras can't die, even their disembodied heads, and evil!Merlin is still evil.

*looks around to check no one is watching* Yay

**GAIUS** Well motherfu-

Oh look, Arthur's getting undressed! Again!

**EVIL!MERLIN** *puts evil powder in bath*

Quickly Super-Gaius and your sidekick Gwen! Run to Arthur's aid!

**EVIL!MERLIN** *melts evil sword in evil water*

**GAIUS AND GWEN** Crap! Running! Throw more things at Merlin's head!

**EVIL!MERLIN** *unconscious. And evil*

Aaaaaand cue the nekkid!Arthur.

**NEKKID!ARTHUR** Guinevere!

**GWEN** Arthur!

Oh, come on, it's not like you haven't seen it before. I saw the end of the last episode.

**GAIUS** o_O

**NEKKID!ARTHUR** You're not Merlin

I won't even go into that sentence, I know a hundred fangirls have already.

Embarrassed Gwen is adorable, partly because of her being really forceful with Arthur all "No, you are not having a bath" like he's a puppy she's training. Gwen is v. badass this episode.

**GAIUS** O_o

Aaaaaand then nekkid!Arthur sidesteps behind the screen again.

The awkwardness. It is amazing.

:D

**XII – Now to deal with the real problem, such as how the heck do you make evil!Merlin not evil if you can't kill the hydra head in his neck?**

**GAIUS** Poultice

**GWEN** *hands poultice*

**GAIUS** *dabs poultice*Potion

**GWEN** *hands potion*

**GAIUS ***waves potion under Merlin's nose*

**MERLIN** Gah! Arthur's socks!

It transpires (ooh, fancy word) that Merlin remembers nothing beyond Morgana conjuring the hydra.

**MERLIN** And there were chains and a bucket of water

**GWEN **Kinky

But the serpent is only dormant and there is only one way to stop it- killing the rest of the hydra. Which lives in Morgana's house. And he has one dear.

**MERLIN** Don't worry. I have a cunning plan.

**XIII – And so Merlin rides out to the woods and disguises himself as Dragoon**

Cue Knights of the Bad Timing. And, as per usual with Dragoon, hilarity ensues.

**DRAGOON** If you don't let me through I'll totally kill King Arthur

**SIR LEON** Are you threatening our King?

**DRAGOON** No, I'm threatening your bunny rabbit, of course I'm threatening your King!

**SIR LEON** Swording!

**DRAGOON** Ah, screw it *teh magics them into big pile of Knightness and steals their horses*

**FANGIRLS** And they stayed in the big pile of Knightness for a long, long time ;)

And what luck! Agravaine just happens to be visiting Morgana.

**MORGANA** Arthur had better be dead

**AGRAVAINE** Erm, about that... But I did totally implicate Gaius as the traitor!

**MORGANA** Seriously, next time just tell me when they're dead

**AGRAVAINE** You are the worst boss I have ever had *leaves*

**DRAGOON** *sees Agravaine leaving*

The plot thickens! So, in sneaks Dragoon and starts looking for the hydra... When Morgana appears

**MORGANA** GAH! *runs out the door*

**DRAGOON** Well, that was easy. *goes back to searching*

**MORGANA** *comes back in more slowly*You're not real. I'm hallucinating.

**DRAGOON** Whatevs.

She's keeping the hydra in a jar. I'm calling animal cruelty on that one.

**MORGANA** You're just my imagination

**DRAGOON **I totally am. I'll just take this jar and BYE!

Cue teh magics fight! Finally, a Merlin and Morgana fight with magic! Hooray! I mean, it's mostly them throwing each other around but still, it's cool.

**MORGANA **Did Arthur send you? You do realise the throne is rightfully mine and Arthur is evil because he hates magic and KNIFE BITCH!

**DRAGOON** *dodges, but is thrown around by teh magics some more*

**MORGANA** *grabs hydra jar* My preciousssssss

**DRAGOON** I see your knife and I raise you a freaking whirlwind

**MORGANA** *fails at blocking whirlwinds and is unconscious*

And so Dragoon conjures a fire and burns the hydra, and the one in the back of his neck dies too. Yay!

**XIV – But Gaius still needs to extract it. Lovely.**

**GAIUS **It's all burnt to a crisp. Lovely.

**GWEN** *enters* Merlin! I totally saw Arthur nekkid! Oh, and you're back, hi!

Cue annoyed Arthur, who has been told that Merlin was in the tavern these past few days. Thanks Gaius.

**ARTHUR** Shall I fire you?

**MERLIN** Well, then you wouldn't have a manservant, would you?

**ARTHUR **Wouldn't I?

Oh god its poshface George! Run! *hides*

**ARTHUR** He's going to teach you how to be efficient

**MERLIN** Then why don't you hire him?

**ARTHUR** He scares me! *hides*

**XV – Cut back to Agravaine, riding through the woods**

But Morgana isn't at her cottage. Luckily he finds her a jump-cut later, still unconscious, and carries her body off through the woods.

Which makes me wonder...

She can't be dead.

Can she?

**Next time...**

No, she's not dead. Thanks for that, next time trailer.


	7. No Harry Potter references for you!

**Episode Seven – The Secret Keeper, erm, I mean Sharer.**

I apologise greatly if this episode's review isn't as detailed or funny as my other ones. I've had a lot of work to do this weekend, as I have two assignments due in the next couple of weeks and that's on top of NaNoWriMo. I'm doing my best, and besides, writing this thing is a relaxing break from my work anyway.

I also apologise in advance for the very many and predictable Harry Potter jokes I will inevitably make due to this episode's title. I mean, come on, I've made one already and I haven't even started.

I seriously need hot chocolate right about now.

**I – And we open to Morgana and Agravaine in Morgana's hovel**

Just to let you know for sure that, no, she is not dead after being knocked around by teh magics last episode. And already we have the creepy factor turned up to eleven. Thanks Agravaine. Your creepiness shall haunt my dreams.

Meanwhile, Morgana's power seems to be working in reverse as she has flashbacks to last week and then wakes up in horror, as she so often does.

**HORRIFIED!MORGANA** I had the strangest dream! A British person made it to the Wimbledon final!

She then reminds Agravaine about what happened last week, because we must also remind the viewers because viewers are goldfish.

And then Agravaine jumps to the conclusion that Gaius told Emrys, aka. Dragoon, aka. Old!Merlin, aka. Merlin!Merlin that he (Agravaine) was evil and in league with Morgana and stuffs.

**ANGRY!AGRVAINE** Grr, I is angry

**WORRIED!MORGANA** My cleavage and I are worried

You can tell she's worried because she's doing that shifty eyed thing that the Eleventh Doctor does when he is worried. Ah, but nothing will keep an evil smirk off Morgana's face for long.

**MORGANA** Don't worry. I have a cunning plan

**OPENING CREDITS (just to rinse away the creepiness of that opening scene)**

**II – Y hello thar shirtless Arthur**

That's made my day a little bit brighter. And then Merlin stuffs an ancient Camelot scone into his mouth. Did they have scones in those days? Especially ones with raisins in them?

And because I missed out on the opportunity for a "polishing" joke last week, the Merlin writers have decided to let me make up for it with this:

**ARTHUR** I don't know anything about polishing

**MERLIN** Fortunately I do

*cough* They are messing with our heads, fellow fangirls.

**MERLIN **Brief mention of that Odin guy who hates you who we haven't seen since series two but this is the second brief mention of him this series so he might be significant but probably just a red herring and then you have to be a judge.

**ARTHUR** At a trial?

**MERLIN** No. The X Factor

**ARTHUR** Kill me now.

And then Merlin manhandles Arthur out of bed. Yay! Cue creepy!Agravaine. Joy.

**AGRAVAINE** I wish to discuss a delicate matter, sir. Perhaps it would be better if we talked alone... And if you had a shirt on

Meanwhile, Morgana Riding Hood is riding to unnamed castle on an island number 3 (seriously, how many islands are there in this show?)

But that's not important right now.

**AGRAVAINE** So... Gaius? Traitor? Y/Y?

**ARTHUR** Why is this not at all suspicious?

I'm having flashbacks to that Witchfinder episode. Poor Gaius, I swear he gets one of these a series. First the Mac from Green Wing and his prosthetic of doom (hey, maybe that's where Morgause caught hers), then the Witchfinder, then that stuff with Alice his ex and the manticore last series. *sigh*

But that's not important right now, Morgana is busy being the dullest dressed person in the marketplace.

**MORGANA** Hello big shirtless guy wearing bangles and chokers and tattoos. Kinky.

Well, this guy is slightly Scottish.

**MORGANA** So, I have a pretty bracelet and you can kidnap someone for me, Y/Y?

ALATOR My reaction as to whether I know who Emrys is = vague, but the bracelet is pretty so sure, I'll kidnap this person who you have not specified.

Well, that was easy.

**III – Back in Camelot, Agravaine is leaning casually on a chair, as evil people do.**

**GAIUS** Why do I have a bad feeling about this episode?

I love the way Arthur is lurking in the background, hidden by lensflares.

**AGRAVAINE** Patronising! Also, stop answering my questions vaguely. Have you ever practised sorcery?

**GAIUS** A long time ago

**AGRAVAINE** Recently?

**GAIUS** See my above answer *bitchplz*

**AGRAVAINE **Then how did you know the sorcerer that killed Uther?

**GAIUS **Haven't you seen how old that guy is? Seriously, there are so many holes in your questioning

**ARTHUR** Still not at all suspicious

**AGRAVAINE** I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole deception lark

**GAIUS** FML

Luckily, Arthur does have the common sense to see that there is no proof and Agravaine is being kind of a jerk about this whole thing.

**IV – But Alator is here with his pimp cloak and his pimp cane to rock this joint like a boss**

Lets play, 'How Many Redcloaks will die tonight?'!

Or not, because now Agravaine is going to creep on Merlin.

**AGRAVAINE **I has a pretty dagger, go sharpen it

**MERLIN** I'm sure this won't have any repercussions.

**AGRAVAINE** I'm sure I'm not acting at all suspiciously.

So, these Swordsmiths of Gedref the same as the Labyrinth of Gedref? Whoever the scarf Gedref is anyway.

Back in the stables... Ah, come on, its time for some redcloaks to get deaded!

Or not, instead Alator is going to set some horse with a fringe loose so he can sneak to a gate.

**AGRAVAINE** You're late

**ALATOR** Late? What's it matter?

(And, as of last week, those who get that reference get cookies. Hint: it's from a different place to last week's. And only one person got that one. I was very disappointed.)

But I'm getting distracted, Gaius has been kidnapped.

**GAIUS** FML!

**ALATOR** Now, he and my pimp cape are out of here. LIKE A BOSS.

And Agravaine plants a book of magic in Gaius' room. Which begs the question, why get Merlin to plant the dagger when he could have just planted it along with the book at the same time? After all, Merlin could always tell Arthur that Agravaine told him to put the dagger there. RETHINK YOUR PLANS AGRAVAINE. THEY ARE FULL OF HOLES!

Also, what the heck happened to Merlin's book of magic?

Oh, well, I guess Merlin is putting the dagger in Arthur's room... Only for the warning bells to wake them up pretty quickly

**MERLIN'S CHEESEY GRIN** *is adorable*

**V – Cut to Gaius' room being trashed by guards**

Déjà vu for at least two other previous episodes! Ah, look, it's a Sir Leon with a torch. Yay!

After a brief riding detour with Alator (they happen), we cut back to Arthur, who is busy being patronised by Agravaine

**ARTHUR **Still not suspicious, especially considering all that witch hunter business. Also, Agravaine, you are pretty damn determined about this.

**MERLIN** *angryface*Arthur, how can you believe this, especially after all that witch hunter business? And he wouldn't leave without saying goodbye to me. He'd at least leave a letter that convinces me to follow him and explode a witch with lightning.

**ANGRY!ARTHUR** *is angry*

**MERLIN** FML!

Morgana seems to be getting some serious kicks out of kidnapping various good guys this series.

**MORGANA** Time for the fun to begin

**GAIUS** Well, that's just wrong

Why is there green stuff in her hair?

**MORGANA** Tell me where Emrys is!

Haven't you got some Veritaserum to feed him? Or a Veritaserum bug of alien-ness? Or something?

**MORGANA** Better. I have a torture priest. Toodles!

**AGRAVAINE** What? Oh, erm, also toodles! Wait for me, Morgana!

**VI – Gwen has not been a part of this episode yet and would like a role, plzthnks**

**GWEN** Hey, Merlin, are you in need of some awkward cheering up?

Stop playing romance music! She has a boyfriend!

**GWEN** So, I was speaking to Arthur and I know Agravaine's creepy and evil and everything but Arthur trusts him because he's his uncle

**MERLIN **And Gaius is kind of my uncle, even if they haven't ever explicitly stated that on the show.

Awww, sad!Merlin. He needs HUGS!

Anyway, it seems that Alator has Veritaserum _fire_, of all things.

And so, Merlin does what he does best. Snooping! This time in Agravaine's room where he finds books of magic and mud on shoes. But, as per usual, Agravaine comes in and GAH! SHIRTLESS AGRAVAINE. DO NOT WANT... Though actually... NO! MUST RESIST!

Also, Merlin has forgotten how mirrors work, but points to Agravaine for actually being one of the first people to catch Merlin snooping around rooms.

Oh, hi Gwaine!

Ah, this scene just serves to remind me why I love Gwaine. Merlin's all "angst, angst, angst" and Gwaine's like "Well then, I'm helping you out whether you like it or not. ROADTRIP!"

**VIII – But Gwaine gets to wear his snazzy Knight of the Round Table gear.**

Meanwhile, more Veritaserum fire.

And Panicking!Agravaine is panicking.

And Gaius is giving in to the Veritaserum fire.

**GAIUS** Ermys is the most powerful sorcerer who has ever lived

Morgana ain't going to be happy about that one. And bad news, Gaius tells Alator that Emrys is Merlin.

Damn you serious scene. It's impossible to make funny. But luckily the soundtrack is being nice and triumphant for Gaius' speech about the time of Albion.

Anyway, we haven't had any action in a while so... Merlin and Gwaine fighting a shirtless guy with fire.

AWESOME.

This cave has some unusual lighting.

Gwaine's "Oh crap" face is awesome

**MERLIN **Wingardium Leviosa!

I take it back. The shirtless guy's "oh crap" face is the most awesome.

**ALATOR ***graceful rotation on the spot* My pimp sense are tingling

**GWAINE** There is a bald shirtless man with tattoos lying on top of me. I've had worse days.

Morgana and Agravaine are riding...

**MERLIN** Let's split up, and if you find Gaius, don't wait for me

Yeah, like Gwaine's going to listen to that rule.

**MORGANA** Lets split up. I'm going to deal with Merlin and we'll be sorted.

So there is splitting up. Merlin finds Alator, Agravaine finds Gaius and Gwaine finds Agravaine. So, all in all, Morgana is losing this particular game of hide and seek.

**AGRAVAINE** I am totally not trying to kill him, I am trying to help him

**GWAINE** With a dagger?

**AGRAVAINE** Erm...

**GWAINE** *totally doesn't believe his excuse because he's Gwaine and he's awesome*

**AGRAVAINE** *more excuses*

**GWAINE** *believes him because plot*

**ME** *facepalms*

Meanwhile, back with Merlin:

**MORGANA** Hi bitch! Surprise knife telekinesis!

**ALATOR **Erm, hey. Me and my pimp cane have arrived.

**MORGANA** Hey. So, you gonna tell me about Emrys now?

**ALATOR** Nope. Surprise Heel Face Turn, biatch!

**MORGANA** I'm really getting sick of people throwing me around with magic! *knocked unconscious*

So, yeah, Alator is good now and pretty much convinced that Merlin is the messiah or something.

**IX – But there's still six minutes to go and we're back in Camelot**

**GWAINE** Hell we're awesome.

**AGRAVAINE **I am totally sorry for saying that Gaius was evil, please don't hate me

**GWEN** *is in this scene the whole time but doesn't say a word*

Back to Morgana, she wakes up to find her pretty bracelet in the sand. Wow. Alator may as well have left a note saying "thanks but no thanks, bitch."

And why is that cave full of sand anyway?

Oh, hang on, Camelot again...

Hm, looks like it's going to be a heartfelt moment between Merlin and Gaius, because Gaius told Alator about Merlin even though Morgana doesn't know and Merlin only cares about Arthur and Agravaine is a problem and hi there Arthur.

**ARTHUR** So... Apologies

**MERLIN** I totally hate you right now. Morning off?

**ARTHUR **Nope.

Squee.

Anyway, that tangent over, more heartfelt moment.

**GAIUS** I had a serious bought of episode déjà vu today

TELL HIM ABOUT AGRAVAINE YOU IDIOT! *facepalm* Anyway, I guess I'm just glad they didn't kill Gaius off, the way they've been going already this series.

And this episode ends on a slightly awkward note so...

**Next time... **

I'm not sure but something weird is going on and I think it's going to involve the Knights being brainwashed, which I am going to enjoy muchly.

So… why was this episode called _The Secret Sharer_, again?


	8. Merlin Pilgrim vs the Discord lady

**Episode Eight – Lamia**

Ah, we actually get an episode title with a proper name of something that already exists in legend. For a change.

Because sometimes I suspect that the writers of this show create names by pulling letters out of a scrabble bag at random (W-H-A-T-D-O-Y-O-U-G-E-T-I-F-Y-O-U-M-U-L-T-I-P-L-Y...)

**I – A random village in some mountains**

Where a villager has quite a nifty metal grate thing over his fire, but he's still depressed because it's a cold night. Well, it's November. Get used to it, mate. He and his wife are nice and have nice, humorous conversations. Something horrible is probably going to happen to one or both of them.

Sure enough, that's a horrified scream. John quickly goes out to investigate because he's the Elder of the village and it is his duty! El gaspeth. He is so dead.

So, John sneaks around the village that totally isn't the same one as in "The Moment of Truth" and no one seems to be around. If I didn't know better I'd say a screaming skull of doom would be flying out at him, but this is a different episode. All is quiet, except for the soundtrack and a creaking door.

A random bloke stumbles onto him, looking wide-eyed and brainwashed. Then something weird hisses and...

**OPENING CREDITS (Oh, so he isn't dead. Throw me for a loop, why don't you, Merlin writers?)**

**II – Ah, Camelot!**

**GWEN** I'm folding up some washing. Seriously though, has it been explained exactly what my job is since Morgana hasn't been around. It's not like I'm her maidservant anymore.

Not that this issue really matters, seeing as Gwen is in her own house right now. I'm just wondering.

**GWEN **Me too. Now I must answer the door

I think that's the woman from before the credits. I might be wrong. Either way, she already knows Gwen. I love that everybody knows everybody else in this show. And they know each other well enough for hugs too. Hm, small world.

**MARY **I hope I'm not interrupting anything

**GWEN **Does it look like I've got company? Seriously, all you're interrupting is clothes folding

I welcome all interruptions to clothes folding :)

But, of course, all is not well and we must have plot. Also, this woman_ is_ the same one from the opening. I just wasn't sure at first. Mary is very scared, but won't tell us what of. The solution... Let's go and tell Arthur.

It's pretty useful that your old friend who you went to for help just so happens to be the King's girlfriend.

The problem, we learn, is a sickness of some sort. I'm guessing that it's magical. Just a wild guess.

**ARTHUR **Allow me to prove that I am much less of a jerk than Uther, who would have simply disregarded this problem on a good day.

**III – Unfortunately, Gaius has been struck with a severe case of bad timing**

Sweating sickness? Sounds ew.

Loving casual Arthur just hanging around in the corner.

**GAIUS** Hey, why not send Merlin?

**MERLIN'S FACE** Wait, what?

**GAIUS** He can go and have a look and report his findings to me

**ARTHUR** Findings? Merlin can't find his own backside half the time

No comment *gigglesnort headdesk*

**MERLIN** *eyebrow*

**GAIUS** Allow me to make cryptic references to Merlin's magic

Gaius has recovered pretty well, considering last week.

Merlin, on the other hand, is not so sure about whether he is capable of being a GP.

**GAIUS** You've been working for me for many years, Merlin

Yes. Four.

;)

Oh dear, they are going to have another conversation about Destiny, aren't they? I think Merlin is getting as used to it as the audience by now, he just sort of sits there and accepts it. So we cut to the next morning where Gaius gives Merlin is medicine bag.

**MERLIN** Wow. Just what I always wanted!

**IV – I'm not entirely sure why this trip requires all the Knights of the Round Table, plus Gwen to be on it**

However, nor am I complaining about this.

And John still isn't dead. Longest life expectancy of a pre-credits figure-of-authority EVER.

Merlin seems to be trying to make himself sound as official and businesslike as possible. John isn't so sure.

**JOHN **We need a physician, not a boy

**GREAT DRAGON** Actually, he's a man now. I say so every week in my opening voiceover

**ELYAN** And his name is Merlin

**GREAT DRAGON** Another thing I say every week

And another example of Elyan being the knight with the most common sense. Go Elyan.

So it's off to see the sick people. Ah, medieval health and hygiene. Or lack thereof. If this was set in modern day this village would be so quarantined that the Knights wouldn't have got within a mile without full body suits.

**GWEN** So, you've no idea what happened to them?

I've got a guess. Coma? Don't tell me that Prisoner Zero is going to start wandering around all fishy with teeth.

**MERLIN** Go and do something trivial so that I can cast teh magics!

I'm surprised that he hasn't told Gwen, she's probably the most trustworthy person around here.

**GWEN AND JOHN** *leave to do something trivial*

**MERLIN ***casts teh magics*

And the soundtrack tells us that something is very wrong...

**V – I assume that this is later at night**

Something is at the window, and it is hissing. Suspicious!Merlin is suspicious. Luckily, he has a stick to defend himself!

Cue Gwaine!

**GWAINE** Did somebody call for a jumpscare? Don't kill me with that deadly fishing rod, please Merlin. Okay, random detour over, bye!

And back to the tension. You know, I reckon all of this snakey hissing is setting Merlin on edge, considering he had a hydra head in the back of his neck two episodes ago.

**VI – Never mind. Next day.**

Where the condition of the sick people hasn't improved. Unhappy!John is unhappy about this and Gwen looks a bit like she's wearing a denim jacket.

**JOHN** Sorcery?

Oh, well it would be, wouldn't it? The sickness, I mean, not the denim jacket. So, they have to go back and find Gaius so that he can give them exposition, but they are stopped by some mysterious smoke in the forest! It's some bandits, and they have found a girl in a purple dress. Judging by their cackley laughter, I imagine that they plan to do horrible things to her that shall not be mentioned on Saturday evening, especially just after _Strictly Come Dancing_. For some reason, Gwaine seems to be the most angered by this because he draws his sword and runs in to rescue her. Closely followed by the other knights, of course. They do a lot of punching of bandits alongside swording, I notice.

The soundtrack is oddly whimsical. So I say, as Elyan stabs a guy to death.

Also, Sir Jeff is awesome.

Battle over, they find the girl behind a tree and it looks like she's dea-

**GIRL ***very loud scream*

Sheesh.

Aw, Sir Jeff is so lovely, telling her it's all going to be alright.

The girl's name is Lamia, and she doesn't like people touching her hands. They ride on into another part of the forest which looks exactly like every other part of the forest and stop to rest.

Okay, and now Sir Jeff has stopped acting adorable and it's getting a bit weirdly overprotective. I sense plotpoint. Gwen does not.

Later that night, Jeff hears Lamia crying and finds her hiding behind another tree. What he doesn't notice is her eyes going all green and slit-pupilled and lizard-y. Because that happens sometimes. Oh, look, it's a Merlin. Sir Jeff is not happy to see him.

**MERLIN **Water?

Yeah, because we all know what happened last time you offered someone water.

**JEFF AND LAMIA** *walk off*

**VIII – Back at Camelot, Agravaine is being his usual, slimy self**

Evidently he's trying to gain back some of Arthur's confidence after last week. I love that in episodes where Morgana isn't the main antagonist; Agravaine actually gives Arthur usual advice, but somehow still manages to sound untrustworthy anyway.

Luckily, the sweating sickness has passed.

**ARTHUR** Allow me to further demonstrate why I am less of a jerk than Uther

Seriously, he rides off with Gaius and Agravaine and a load of knights just to find Merlin's lot.

Meanwhile, Lamia seems to have had an odd effect on the Knights of Camelot. They all want to do Lamia… I mean, to do what Lamia wants and are being all rude to Merlin and Gwen.

Arthur and co. find a load of bodies, but they can't tell how they died. It appears that they were slave traders.

**AGRAVAINE **But what were they transporting? Some kind of an animal?

Yes, because slave traders would have an animal in the back of their cart-prison thing. They were transporting a human, silly! Anyway, one of the dead blokes isn't actually dead, so they are going to take him with them in case he can tell them anything useful.

**IX – Meanwhile, the KotRT are all being jerks to each other**

**MERLIN** Stop it! What's got into you people?

Discord?

There is a swordfight between Sir Leon and Gwaine, and Leon is injured. Lamia watches, whilst leaning against a tree and playing with her hair. Okay, she's evil.

Arthur and co. have got to the little village

**AGRAVAINE** Merlin left yesterday morning

**ARTHUR **Going where?

**AGRAVAINE** Camelot

**ARTHUR** *facepalm*

But Gaius has some sick people to deal with.

**GAUIS **Yup. Sorcrery.

Why am I not surprised?

This episode is jumping around like a kangaroo on a trampoline. Made of Slinkys.

**GWEN **Okay. Srsly. WTF?

**MERLIN** No idea. Possibly something to do with Lamia

HOORAY! COMMON SENSE. And only half way through the episode. Pretty cool.

Oh, dammit! Arthur and Gaius again. Basically reiterating what Merlin just suspected expect with Gaius exposition. The girl isn't a girl but a creature of magic (but, of course), a hybrid of a human and a serpent (don't ask me how that happens outside of Greek and/or Norse mythology, I don't really want to think about it), who has been going around turning into a snake and magically killing people. To demonstrate, we have a scene of Elyan in the woods investigating the mysterious hissing noise ("What is this mysterious hissing noise? Hm... Kind of... Catchy? Snape, Snape, Severus Snape-" Okay I'm getting distracted), whilst Arthur and Gaius converse.

**LAMIA** Hi there, Elyan. Do you mind if I am creepy at you?

**ELYAN** Erm...

**LAMIA** Evil kiss!

Gah! Don't tell me that Eylan is dead now too!

**X – It's about time for a scene change, methinks**

So, Gwaine and Leon were arguing earlier but now they are sleeping against the same tree and all huddled together adorably? Weird. But something is afoot, for Elyan is missing.

Gwen and her poncho must stay with Lamia.

**LAMIA **Creepy creepy creepy...

Oh darn it, Arthur again.

Or not. The KotRT have found Elyan. Luckily, Gwen has his common sense and knows that Lamia is responsible. Unluckily, the KotRT want to follow her to a castle where they can heal Elyan... or so she says... Mwahahahahaha- okay. At least Gwen and Merlin are following in order to make sure that nothing goes terribly. I wonder why they aren't affected by her. Teh magics?

Meanwhile:

**AGRAVAINE **They could have gone back to Camelot

**ARTHUR **No, the tracks are going East and Camelot is West. Truly I am Sherlock Holmes

**SHERLOCK HOLMES** No you are not

**ARTHUR **Whatevs. Fan out, redshirts, and see what you can find.

My guess is that they will find bits of Gwen's not-a-denim-jacket, which she is tearing up and tying round tree branches. You know, on the off chance that Arthur has left Camelot and is searching for them.

The castle Lamia was talking about does actually exist, but methinks that there is nothing good to be found there. Also, Agravaine is covering up tracks because, you know, he's evil.

**XI – But Lamia hs brought the KotRT to some caves**

**MERLIN** This is madness, Sir Percival

**SIR JEFF** Madness?

…

I won't say it. I won't be tempted. You can't make me.

**SIR JEFF** Anyway, we have no interest in your opinion. Also, I am taller than you and have a chainmail vest. Now keep your mouth shut or I'll shut it for you

Brainwashed Sir Jeff, you are scary. Stop it; you are supposed to be adorable. *whimpers sadly*

But Merlin is having none of this bullshit, as we can tell by the "Oh no you din't" look on his face.

Also, Lamia apparently has the ability to randomly make torches go out and disappear in the confusion. Into the ruins of the Great Hall of Hogwarts they go.

**MERLIN** It's a trap!

Angry!Leon is angry. Also, that's a skeleton that Merlin just fell on. Just saying. They go into a room which has convient wood for fires and Leon and Jeff go to search for Lamia whilst Gwaine does intimidating smashing of wooden chests with his foot. Stop being scary, brainwashed Knights.

**XII – Oddly, it is mysteriously daytime where Arthur is... Worrying about Gwen… Of course**

And yet I swear its night time in the castle of doom. Hm, maybe they are still underground.

Brainwashed!Gwaine is threatening at Merlin for a bit and goes off to look for more firewood, whilst Gwen is sad because Elyan is dying. We also have a weird jumpscare involving Gwaine, a rat and a skeleton. Gwaine has been getting involved in lots of jumpscares today.

**GWEN** I don't understand why only the Knights have been affected

Hey look, Gwen's asking the same questions as me. Awesome.

Anyway, Gwen's not been enchanted because the curse only works on men (by the way, this is all Merlin's guesswork). And Merlin? Hm, teh magics, I guess. I'm not going to read into the subtext of any other possible options, that's you guys jobs. Suspicious!Gwen is suspicious. There is some hissing

**MERLIN** I must investigate!

Sure, leave Gwen alone and unarmed with her dying brother to go looking for a load of brainwashed knights who currently hate you! At least give her a sword or something! And why does this castle look like ruined Hogwarts?

Third Gwaine-related jumpscare of the episode and... Dammit, he's been got too!

Back in the daytime:

**ARTHUR** Hey look, it's a piece of Gwen's not-a-denim-jacket

**AGRAVAINE** How do you know that?

**ARTHUR** Erm, how do I put this in a family friendly way? I just know. They must be close!

**AGRAVAINE** How about in that castle in the mist far away, sir?

**ARTHUR** Yup, that'll be it!

**XIII – In said castle...**

Lamia is... Crying? Giggling? I can't tell. Crying, I think. Makes sense, as Sir Jeff has arrived to investigate.

**LAMIA** Evil kiss!

**SIR JEFF** ARGH!

**SIR LEON** Oh dear...

Sir Leon, Knight of... Good/bad timing. Again, not sure which. His reaction to Sir Jeff having been evil-kissed into a coma, however is... Angry. Very, very angry. Shame that Lamia has teh magics to stop him from killing her.

And then she... kiss rapes him? Wha-? Oh thank god, here's Merlin. Merlin, please defeat the creepy woman.

**LAMIA** Creepy creepy, I could have killed you any time I wished, creepy creepy

**BADASS!MERLIN** Then what are you waiting for?

W00t! Go badass!Merlin!

**LAMIA **Telekinesis!

**MERLIN** I am getting really sick of being thrown into walls this series

And then the soundtrack gets really quite awesome for about three seconds and-

**MERLIN** Sword!

**LAMIA** What? *stabbed*

Well, that was anticlimact-

**LAMIA** *hissing*

**MERLIN** What the...

Aaaaaaand, cue tentacle monster.

It's official. Merlin is being attacked by Cthulhu. It finally happened.

**GWEN** Rockslide? What?

Oh, she does have a sword. Good.

**LAMIA** Tentacles! *drags Merlin by foot*

**SLO-MO!GWEN** Get away from him! *stabs Lamia*

Gwen. Is. Awesome.

Until she falls over. *sigh*

But then it falls over with a spear or something in its back because Arthur killed it. Hello there, Arthur. *waves* Sand Gwen runs over to Arthur for teh hugs, and then Arthur and Merlin almost hug. Almost.

**XIV – Oh, and I take it that Gaius had some kind of cure for the Knights**

A bit anticlimactic, yet again, but hey, at least they aren't evil and brainwashed anymore. Also, Merlin and Arthur have a funny little chat about dying or being saved by a woman that slightly makes me want to punch Arthur but then Merlin's all "Don't think too hard or you'll hurt yourself" and I feel better.

**XV – Camelot. Arthur has letters.**

**DOOR ***knock*

**ARTHUR** Come

**GWEN** Ahem

I shall resist a that's-what-she-said joke. No further comment on that.

And then Arthur and Gwen are adorable.

**GWEN** I'm fine. Nothing a change of clothes couldn't cure

Gah! And again with the possible/possibly not-innuendo!

Cue kiss. I think I might be a requirement for any Arthur/Gwen kiss ever to have lensflare. It is the will of JJ Abrams.

**Next time... **

Well, I was going to say that I now knew why they had that scene, because Arthur is apparently going to propose to Gwen next week... But then...

Lancelot.

And I melted.

.

.

.

.

.

**SIR JEFF** Madness? THIS. IS. SPARTA!


	9. Lancelot and his hair are now french

**Episode Nine – Lancelot du Lac**

Oh yes, people. Lancelot is back. Don't ask me how (but I'm sure I'm about to find out) but I am very happy about this development. All there is to do is see where it goes.

Also, apparently he's French now, according to the title. Meh, you learn something new every day :)

**I – These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do...**

Arthur has wine and Merlin is polishing a piece of armour that looks like a Cybermat. Life is good. Arthur also knows exactly how to break news to his uncle.

**ARTHUR** I'm going to marry Guinevere

Wow. That was amazingly direct.

**MERLIN** *drops armour*

**AGRAVAINE** *drops jaw*

**ARTHUR** Shut your face, I've made up my mind

**AGRAVAINE** You don't need a woman for support, sire!

**MERTHUR FANS** Yay!

**AGRAVAINE **I'm your councillor!

Erm, ew and no. Also, am I the only one getting images of psychiatrist Agravaine with a clipboard talking to Arthur who is on the couch of angst?

**ARTHUR** I fear you have rather too much stubble to be my wife

**MERLIN** Lol

**MERTHUR FANS** Merlin doesn't have any stubble!

**ARTHUR **I need a strong wife, not a Disney Princess

**BELLE, POCAHONTAS, TIANA AND RAPUNZEL (eg. Disney Princesses who were actually badass to an extent**) Hey!

**MULAN** I'm here too, even though I'm not actually a Princess!

**ARTHUR** Shove off! I've made up my mind and you will accept it or I shall end you. And pick your jaw off the floor, Agravaine, or flies will fly into your mouth.

I like decisive Arthur.

Meanwhile, in the hovel of brooding...

**AGRAVAINE** My Lady...

**MORGANA **KNIFE!

Someone's getting a little paranoid

**MORGANA** You woke me up from a lovely dream in which there were kittens and rainbows and me dancing on my enemies graves, so you'd better have a damned good reason for waking me up!

**AGRAVAINE** Erm, Royal Wedding?

But luckily, Morgana knows about Gwen's little crush. Unfortunately, said crush is behind the veil having tea with Sirius Black, and has been since episode two.

**MORGANA** I know exactly how to destroy her!

**Sounds to me like a cue for some... OPENING CREDITS! Seriously, it's like the characters have credit-sense which allows them to say dramatic things in order to lead into the credits.**

**II – But Morgana knows of a cave beneath a tree of doom...**

(where the continuing credits say "with SANTIAGO CABRERA" therefore make me a happy fangirl)

She looks rather confused, but that may be because there is a squelchy zombie or something behind her, being ominous. And squelchy.

**ZOMBIE WOMAN** *sniffs Morgana's arm... because*

Zombie woman appears to be another one of those anti-Great Dragons, telling her that she is destined to bring back "the old ways". Morgana continues to look confused. I think I like the zombie woman, she's quite cool, despite being a zombie and squelchy and prostheticified.

Morgana gives her an amulet or something that Morgause gave her and says something about "the price of a soul" and the zombie woman is all "my precioussssss" and Morgana is all "No, you cannot has." Also, I like that fact that apparently bringing a soul back isn't that easy.

**ZOMBIE WOMAN** You must travel to the last of the five gateways

Is it on an island an unspecified but inexplicably constantly shifting distance from Camelot which may or may not have a boatman depending on what series this is?

So Morgana goes to the pool of Ohforheavenssake whose waters are apparently black as night and still as death, but look kind of normal to be honest.

**ZOMBIE WOMAN** Cast the coin into its depths and your wish will be granted

**MORGANA** Yeah, yeah, I'm doing it, now shut up with the constant narration, would you?

**ZOMBIE WOMAN **Suit yourself. Tetchy.

And the water bubbles and from them emerges a very wet and very nekkid Lancelot.

And the fangirls rejoiced.

**LANCELOT** I am yours to command

Yup, Morgana's still kinky.

**III – Back in the hovel... Man, we're sticking with teh evil team quite a bit this episode, aren't we?**

Not that I'm complaining, oh no. It's just going to take me a while to get back from having melted into an utter gibbering mess at the last scene. I CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONE!

Why has Morgana still got green stuff in her hair? It matches her eyeshadow, I guess

Lancelot has a shirt on now. *sadface*

Morgana continues to be randomly flirty and Lancelot is adorably confused.

**LANCELOT** I am yours

**MORGANA** Kinky. But we have work to do, but I do require your sword, but your heart. Ah, look, we are now going to have more narration over footage from Camelot. See, he's Gwen making a bed and Arthur sneaking up behind her in his undershirt with a towel on his shoulders... Which he blindfolds her with. Wow, they are almost as kinky as I am! No, wait! Don't end, montage, I wanted to watch... Oh, damn. Anyway, Arthur trusts Gwen entirely, and also he does you.

**LANCELOT **I hate plot convenient amnesia

Don't we all.

**IV – Meanwhile, back at Gwen's...**

**ARTHUR **So, I set up all these candles for you... LOVE ME!

Isn't that a fire hazard? And I know candles are meant to be romantic, but isn't this taking it a bit far. Merlin is outside, snooping, because that is what Merlin is best at. Little bit creepy but I'll let it slide, seeing as Arthur and Gwen are busy being tooth-rottingly adorable.

**ARTHUR **Will you marry me?

**GWEN ***glomp*

**ARTHUR** I'll take that as a 'yes' then :)

Why does the music suddenly become slower and sadder when they cut to Merlin outside? It's like the Merthur fans hijacked the soundtrack to be sympathetic to him. He's smiling happily though. It's all very sweet.

Back at Morgana's, it seems that she too isn't a fan of plot convenient amnesia, seeing as it means she's having to teach him about who he is so that he'll be convincing when he goes back to Camelot.

**V – But enough of Morgana being deep. There is jousting to be watched.**

Well, jousting of random hoops and more Arthur/Gwen adorableness. Also, there is one person in the crowd who isn't cheering or waving his flag, which is just funny. There's always one :)

Merlin continues to be snarky.

**MERLIN** You could have given her romantic things, like flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep. Instead you give her two days of sweaty men knocking the stuffing out of each other.

So Arthur's showing her superhero movies? Okay, maybe not, but it's pretty much the same thing. And how is that in any way a bad thing?

**MERLIN** And it's not even original.

Come off it, Merlin, this is the medieval equivalent of taking her out to see a movie. And she gets lots of pink hula hoops into the bargain (to be honest, from her tone of voice, I think even Gwen finds this a bit awkward. I mean, all these knights charging on horseback to stick long poles into hoops. Nothing symbolic there. No siree *shifty eyes*).

Anyway, before this gets out of hand, a trumpet fanfare announces the next Knight, and he's wearing a face-concealing helmet and Gwen pulls a confused face and Arthur and Merlin are both like "who is this randomer?", so naturally we know this must be brainwashed-and-evil!Lancelot.

There's been a lot of brainwashing and evil this series, now twice by Morgana and once by creepy Cthulhu woman.

Once again, I am not complaining about this. Not one bit ;)

And, because he is awesome, Lancelot gets the hula hoop, in slow motion, no less, and presents it to Gwen. And he takes off his helmet all dramatic...

**GWEN'S FACE** Oh bugger...

Didn't see that one coming, Gwen?

**ARTHUR AND MERLIN'S FACE** Also oh bugger...

**VI – I think Arthur may have just started a hundreds-of-candles tradition, because now the dining room in Camelot is full of the things too**

Can you imagine the risk assessment forms?

Lancelot is busy explaining what the heck has been going on, and is it just me or has his voice got a bit more posh? Maybe posh accents are just a side effect of Morgana brainwashing.

**LANCELOT** So yeah, I was conveniently in Cenred's kingdom this whole time...

Shouldn't you be referring to it as somewhere else now that Cenred is kind of, erm, dead?

**LANCELOT** I would like to propose a toast and take this opportunity to inform you that I am totally not evil

**SUSPICIOUS!MERLIN** *is suspicious*

**VII – Flashbacks to Lancelot's first episode!**

**MERLIN** You can have my bed! Also, I feel really bad about the whole you-sort-of-dying thing and if I'd have used magic...

**LANCELOT **If any of us had any magic, Merlin

**MERLIN **Well indeed and, wait a minute... More suspicion... I must consult teh Gaius!

And Gaius' reaction: "Oh no (*totally inwardly* not again)." Gaius is epic like that.

And they come to the brilliant deduction that something is wrong! Oh my goshness. Unfontuntely, all Gaius has to say about that is "give him time".

*sigh*

But back to the villains. Lots of villainy this episode

**AGRAVAINE **Arthur and his knights were completely taken in NOW PLEASE ADMIRE MY ACHIEVMENT!

**MORGANA **Magic Amortentia bracelet!

**AGRAVAINE ***sigh* Always more work...

(Amortentia = most powerful love potion in the world, now go and read Harry Potter!)

**VIII – And so Lancelot turns up at Gwen's door**

This would be romantic were it not that she looks a little bit annoyed until he starts talking. Oh, and the fact that he's brainwashed and evil.

**GWEN **If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be marrying Arthur

*sigh* Oh yes, Lancelot needed much hugs that episode. And, to be honest, I kind of want to hug him now, except for the part where now he's given Gwen the Amortentia bracelet...

**SOUNDTRACK** Ominousssssssss...

Meanwhile, Merlin is reading up on Necromancy. Hm, quite dark... But makes perfect sense and I'm not sure why I didn't think of it until now. Oh well, silly me! Back to the jousting. At least this time they are actually hitting each other with sticks and not just hula hoops.

Gwen and Agravaine play the "amusing spectators" game, but neither of them are quite as amusing as Uther, because he'd always get a bit too into it. Lancelot is also playing the "a bit too violent for his own good" game, which may give him away if he's not careful.

**IX – But enough of that. Let's take time out from this episode for these words of wisdom...**

**MERLIN** Mm. Chicken is good!

Yes. Destiny and chicken. Thank you, Merlin. *hasn't been able to look at a chicken in the same way since that incident with Arthur in 'The Once and Future Queen'. You know the one*

**MERLIN** Nice broth. What do you know about necromancy?

*spits out tea* What?

**GAIUS** *spits out broth* What?

*lols forever* So casual, Merlin.

**GAIUS** *sigh* I must now be an exposition giver again. Necromancy = bad. As in Horcrux bad.

**MERLIN** I think someone has raised Lancelot from the dead

**GAIUS** No duh. And just spit it out, Merlin, we all know that by 'someone' you mean 'Morgana'.

Anyway, long story short, Lancelot is a Shade now.

**GAIUS** But we have no way of knowing for sure...

**MERLIN** I has a book

**GAIUS** Or do we?

Gaius, you are awesome. So they paint random spirals all over the floor.

**GAIUS** That had better not be in permanent marker.

And then Merlin stares at topless!Lancelot through a gap in the door. Also, the painted floor spiral is shiny. When Lancelot walks through it, his head turns into a skull and there is the noise of the hellish screaming of death skulls from the first two episodes and my eardrums burst because it's really darned loud! And scary. But it causes Merlin to be depressed and want hugs.

**MERLIN/LANCELOT FANS** *have much fuel to work with from this scene*

**X – Back to the jousting, and sneaky!Gwen is being sneaky**

And sneaking into Lancelot's tent.

On another note, which is weirdly placed but you'll find it amusing because it proves my stupidity: I have literally just now realised why this episode is called 'Lancelot du Lac'. It was because Morgana summoned him from a lake. Feel free to laugh at my foolishness, and I shall have a shortbread biscuit.

**GWEN** I'm being seductive and I'm not sure why

**LANCELOT **To be honest, I'm not entirely sure why as well

I love amnesiac, brainwashed Lancelot. He doesn't seem to have a clue what is going on and its sort of adorable.

And then there was moar jousting, in which the editors prove that they can use slow and fast motion very effectively. Merlin goes to watch and actually looks kind of angry. Arthur waves his helmet around... Because he's Arthur, we shouldn't be surprised by him doing silly things like that.

Arthur owns Sir Leon at jousting.

**SIR JEFF** What's with the worried face?

**MERLIN** Nothing. Arthur's in the final with Lancelot

**SIR JEFF** Yeah, I know

I don't know, I think it's just the casual way he says that line that makes it so funny. But now it is time for the winning joust, Arthur vs. Lancelot. The soundtrack continues to be ominous and Merlin must be ready, in case his magic is needed.

And so they joust and Arthur gets a whack in the side, but because he's Arthur and a bit of an idiot he isn't going to withdraw.

**MERLIN** He wouldn't withdraw if his head was hanging by a thread

That's an... interesting mental image. Nearly-Headless Arthur. Thanks for that.

So they joust again, and the crowd are cheering like crazy despite the fact that Arthur is pretty badly wounded and all looks lost until Lancelot doesn't actually attack.

**AGRAVAINE **What the what?

**MERLIN **Also what the what?

Methinks Arthur needs medical attention. He's probably got a couple of broken ribs or something. Not enough for him not to make a lovely, heartfelt speech which I'm sure the other KotRT loved (sacasm).

But, as Gaius quite rightly points out, if Lancelot isn't here to kill Arthur, then what is he here for?

**SOUNDTRACK** Mystery!

Cue Gwen being mysteriously flirty due to Amortentia bracelet again...

**XI – What? You cut straight to Camelot and night? No kiss?**

Where Merlin is doing what he is best at. Following suspicious peoples. And by this, I mean Lancelot and Agravaine having a nice little evil chat about how the plan is going well and Gwen is also being sneaky. But never mind that, it is time for teh magics!

**MERLIN **It's nice to see someone other than me getting thrown around with teh magics for once

**LANCELOT** Evil brainwashed knight skillz!

**MERLIN** Oh dammit! *unconscious*

Aw, look at Arthur all wrapped up cosy in bed whilst a sinister shadow sneaks up and OW! MY EARS! SHUT UP WITH YOUR SQUEALING ALREADY, YOU DARNED SOUNDTRACK!

**AGRAVAINE** Arthur?

**ARTHUR** Go away I'm asleep

**AGRAVAINE **Gwen and Lancelot are totally in the council chambers and snogging!

**ARTHUR** o_O

Cut to the council chambers...

**LANCELOT** Don't worry, no one visits the council chambers at this time of night

I think you might be tempting fate there.

**MERLIN** Being unconscious hurts.

And _now_ Lancelot and Gwen kiss. Hurrah.

**AGRAVAINE** See? Told you so

**ARTHUR** O_o

**MERLIN **Oh dammit. Again.

I think it's fair to say that Arthur is not happy about this development. And I will admit that his furious yell of fury is actually quite scary. Much violent swordfighting ensues.

**GWEN** Can't I just share you both?

**MERLIN** Triple dammit!

**GWEN **Stop it! Please!

**ARTHUR** Dungeons

**GWEN** What?

**MERLIN** GAH!

Hugs?

**XII – Oh dear, Agravaine is giving "advice" again**

Why do I get the feeling that it is going to consist of "death".

**AGRAVAINE** Of course, in the time of your father, adultery in noble families was punishable by death

**MERLIN** *facepalm*

Why am I not surprised?

There's going to be a lot of younger viewers asking their parents what the word "adultery" means this week, methinks.

**AGRAVAINE** As for Lancelot, death's too good for him. He must die, but painfully

Way to contradict yourself there. Is this just Agravaine being evil or is there only one way to kill a Shade which just happens to be sort of gruesome (because the phrase "kill it with fire" is what springs to mind. Not that burning at the stake is unusual for this show in normal circumstances anyway).

Also, how many times has Gwen been under threat of execution already?

In the council chamber (so that's what this place is called. Finally, I can stop calling it the Great Hall. It isn't particularly 'great' in terms of scale or decoration anyway) Arthur would very much like it if everyone would go away right now please and that includes you Agravaine.

**AGRAVAINE** But-

**ARTHUR** Bugger off!

**AGRAVAINE ***buggers off*

This scene is going to hurt, isn't it?

Arthur's scary when he's angry.

*sadface*

**GWEN** Once there was Lancelot! A long time ago! Way back in series one and kind of in series two! I only snogged him because I thought he was dead and I may or may not have been wearing an evil bracelet.

Please stop being scary and angry, Arthur. I haven't wanted to hide behind the chair so much since Moriarty.

And then Arthur exiles her.

OVERREACTION MUCH?

DAMN THIS SERIES HAS GOT DARK!

**ARTHUR** I am sorry. I am truly sorry.

Oh, don't you go stealing the Tenth Doctor's catchphrase. It's not going to work. You had _better _make up for this, Arthur, very, very soon.

**FANDOM** *sharpening pitchforks*

See what I mean?

**XIII – At which point, I decide that Morgana is one spiteful villainess**

Not that I am relieving Arthur of any blame because seriously. Overreaction much? GAAAAAH!

**MERLIN **GAAAAAAAH!

Gaius, you are not making much sense.

Meanwhiles, Agravaine has a letter for Lancelot. Because Morgana likes to write letters to her brainwashed servants, it seems. How kind of her. And no, we don't get to see what is written in the letter.

**XIV – But we do get to see Gwen in her poncho dragging a cart full of her possessions away whilst Merlin watches.**

And Arthur watching all the flowers from the wedding being taken down.

Because this episode doesn't think that we're crying hard enough yet.

Merlin is the only character with common sense this episode, asking Arthur to forgive Gwen. Apparently the only reason why he isn't doing this is bloody Agravaine. Oh dear.

Arthur, you need a slap. Merlin, slap Arthur for us, please, oh dammit its Agravaine and...

Oh GAAAAAAAAH!

Lancelot has committed suicide. Oh joy.

Apparently, "proper burial" means "sunk into lake in boat full of flowers". I'M _HAVING LADY OF THE LAKE_ FLASHBACKS! SOMEONE CHEER ME UP BEFORE I DROWN IN MY OWN TEARS! FREEEEEEEYAAAAA!

**MERLIN ***teh magics*

**LANCELOT** *Captain Jacks back to life*

Oh, okay. That's better.

**MERLIN/LANCELOT SHIPPERS** Even MOAR FIC FUEL!

**LANCELOT** *dies again*

_LADY OF THE LAKE_ FLASHBACKS! OH SO MUCH!

!

...

Well, that was awkward.

**NEXT TIME... **

Elyan's turn to be brainwashed and evil? Oh hey, those drowned kids from last series are back. Talking of which, where's Mordred got to?

CAN THIS SERIES BE HAPPY NOW PLEASE?


	10. Chapter 11

Gwen's back. Didn't take long, admittedly, but hopefully her return shall bring a little more happiness to Camelot. They need it, after all :) Anyway, enjoy, me lovelies!

**Episode Eleven – The Hunter's Heart**

**Hey, I think I've finally got used to the Dragon saying "man" instead of "boy" in his opening narration. Only took me eleven episodes ;) **

**I – Generic Village #42**

Where life is general and Guinevere is shovelling. I wonder how much time has passed since the whole Lancelot incident? She's wearing her engagement ring around her neck, which is sweet, but I can't help thinking that's got to be a kind of weird self-torture, reminding you that you were exiled by your finance because you were Amortentia'd by a Bellatrix LeStrange cosplayer to snog your zombie ex...

But this peace and quiet can't last forever. Cue the bandits!

**BANDITS** *pillage and destroy and stuff*

**GWEN** *runs the hell for it*

Why didn't you take your pitchfork, Gwen? You could have whacked that bandit blocking your path with it!

**BANDIT **Grr! Fear my sword of swordness!

**GWEN** Damn these long dresses *trips over backwards*

**OTHER BANDIT** Wait!

I'm guessing he's the leader

**LEADER BANDIT** There's still some pleasure to be had here...

...

o_O

No comment.

**GWEN** Oh _crap_.

**OPENING CREDITS... Still, seriously... That line... Saturday night... Family show... GAH MY BRAIN!**

**II – Merlin is rambling**

It is adorable. Enough said.

**ARTHUR **Could you, please, shut up?

**BEMUSED!MERLIN** *is bemused*

In the council chambers:

**ARTHUR** My lords, knights, gentlemen and other people who are not women, our kingdom and some other one we've never heard of have finally stopped fighting over the land of Gedref

**COUNCIL** *casual muttering*

**KNIGHTS** *casual muttering* Who the scarf is Gedref, anyway? *casual muttering*

**ARTHUR **Oh, and to make it official I'm going to marry some chick

**BEMUSED!MERLIN** *even more bemused*

*sigh* Ah, I see that this is the series' official and required "Arthur + some other chick" episode. Why must we always have those? Oh yeah, Arthur/Gwen conflict.

**MERLIN **How come I wasn't told about you marrying some other chick?

**ARTHUR** Of course, I can't do it, oh, wait a minute! I'm the King, so I can!

Great line :)

Oh dear, oh dear, Merlin, let's press the guilt button called Guinevere. You know, because it isn't like Arthur (and Merlin, and Gwen, for that matter) don't need enough hugs already.

NO! Arthur threatened Merlin! Bad Arthur! Bad!

**III – Erm, who be this bloke that we has never seen before?**

Explanation? No? Okay then...

Well, whoever he is, he's just run into the original Mr. Unexplained himself, also known as Agravaine.

But he does have a sweet accent.

**AGRAVAINE** I can has thing that I asked for that I won't specify what it is, plsthnxby?

**SERVANT GUY** No, I cannot betray my master's trust. I'm sorry.

**AGRAVAINE** Well, shame that. STABBING!

**SERVANT GUY** *dies and is ded*

Noooo! He had a sweet accent! Who the heck was he, anyway?

**AGRAVAINE** Well, at least I was subtle *drags body away* Now to ride into the distance into the suddenly it is magically morning!

Where Morgana is either sorting out her potions bottles, really drunk or playing some strange form of bottle chess. Possibly all three.

**MORGANA** Plans for siege tunnels, y/y?

**AGRAVAINE** Erm...

**MORGANA **Why do I pay you, again?

I'll say this for Morgana; she does thinly veiled threats very well.

**IV – Anyway, back to Gwen**

In an outfit which is very un-British-medieval and I'm sure will be featured in many fanfics and fanarts for many weeks to come.

**HELIOS **Hi there pretty

**GWEN** Hello, I'm Guinevere and I'm going to give a thinly veiled insult for killing all those generic villagers in generic village #43

**HELIOS **Actually it was #42. 43 is next week.

**GWEN** Whatever.

**HELIOS** The youth of today are not always enthusiastic. Darned chavs. So, dinner, y/y?

**V – Something ceremonial is happening in Camelot**

And by that I mean the arrival of Decoy Arthur Love Interest #4, aka. Princess Mithian, accompanied by her knights in really dull coloured cloaks compared to the Camelot knights.

**ARTHUR** Knights of...

I didn't catch that name and I can't find it written anyway so I'm just going to shorten it, which conveniently makes this lot the Knights of Ni.

**ARTHUR** My pointy crown and I welcome you

Wow, Mithian came already dolled up in her wedding dress. Someone's eager.

**ARTHUR** Oooh, she's purdy

**MERLIN** *facepalm*

Gah, she stole one of Morgana's polar bear capes!

Stop it with the romantic music, soundtrack, nobody's fooled. Oh, and Mithian speaks mostly in vomit-inducing nonsense. Let's have another scene to balance this out. I think Merlin agrees with me, too.

Ah, back to Gwen and Helios and his dressing gown of pimpage. I'm beginning to wonder whether anyone else lives in this place. Seems not.

**HELIOS** I want to know all about you

**GWEN** Erm, long and mostly false story

**HELIOS **I have all night

**GWEN **Well, that was kind of sinister. I'd better make this story last...

Meanwhile, Agravaine is doing sneaking around and doesn't look happy about it. *snigger*

**GWEN** *Tells long and mostly false story*

**HELIOS **Well, you are my possible wife/possible servant/possible prostitute now, so...

**SERVANT** Lady Morgana, y/y?

Well, what a coincidence!

**GWEN** Oh _bugger_

**HELIOS** You okay?

**GWEN** I'm tired, may I go?

**HELIOS** Well dammit. Oh well, off you go

**GWEN** Phew. And thank goodness for the face-concealing veil on this otherwise rather-revealing-for-medieval-times outfit

And in sweeps Morgana, in order to play thinly-veiled-insult/threat tennis!

**HELIOS **Well, you may as well eat the food that my possible wife/possible servant/possible prostitute didn't seem to want to eat

**MORGANA** Whatevs. *goes on her "When I'm Queen of Camelot" rant*

**HELIOS** *sigh*

**VI – Ah, Sir Leon has discovered the body of the servant guy formerly in possession of a sweet accent**

**AGRAVAINE** I am totally shocked and saddened by this

**LEON** Poor boy must have lost his footing on that wall... And then fallen on his sword on the way down, considering that stab wound

**AGRAVAINE** Yeah sure... Erm, let's ask Gaius!

Wouldn't it be more useful to Agravaine just to say, "meh, he fell off a wall and he's dead. What a shame, let's bury him and forget all about it, tra-la-la-la-la I TOTALLY DIDN'T KILL HIM!"?

Meanwhile, Merlin is in sulking mode and Gaius is not impressed

**MERLIN** I'm not sulking, I'm thinking

**GAIUS** You know how bad that is for you. Just let Arthur marry Mithian, it won't do any harm

**MERLIN** But what about _DESTINY_?

**DOOR ***four knocks*

Gah! The Master is here- Oh, no; it's just Sir Leon, panic over :)

**LEON** So, this guy fell off a wall and we wanna know how he died

**GAIUS **By falling off a wall, surely? Meh, I'll come and look.

This is turning into CSI: Camelot. I thought this episode was called "The Hunter's Heart." For srs?

**GAIUS **Yup, he broke his neck. He must have died by falling off a wall, but there's no other injuries

WHAT ABOUT THE FREAKING STAB WOUND IN HIS STOMACH? OR THE BRUISING FROM WHERE AGRAVAINE WHACKED HIM WITH THE SWORD HILT? HUH? YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SHERLOCK HOLMES TO FIGURE THIS OUT!

**SHERLOCK HOLMES** What the what?

Hush, go away, Sherlock, you can come out again when Moffat and Gatiss decide to be nice and rid us of our bloody cliffhangovers.

**GAIUS **Oh look, a letter

**AGRAVAINE** _MINE_! To the King!

And in teh land of Arthurs:

**AGRAVAINE** So, this letter proves that he was totally a traitor to that Odin bloke. Also, he was the mapmaker's apprentice. You're welcome, audience ;)

**ARTHUR** Murder?

**AGRAVAINE** Erm... Siege tunnels, y/y? I'll start an inventory...

**VII – And cut to Agravaine giving Morgana the siege tunnel plans.**

And damn, does he look smug about it.

**MORGANA** I hope you do not disappoint me again, Agravaine

**AGRAVAINE** Well, thanks for putting a dampener on my happy moment

Morgana casts teh magics to put copy the map onto another piece of paper. It is fiery. I'm beginning to think that Morgana's magic is all automatically fiery after she set that sword on fire the other week.

Pretty effect is pretty.

**VIII – Ah, a nice rowdy Camelot feast.**

Now, that's my kind of feast :)

But Merlin is not so happy with Arthur's talking to Mithian and her puffy sleeves.

Okay, it's official. Merlin is an Arthur/Gwen shipper. He totally is. He writes fanfic of them in his room when he has nothing better to do. And you know what? I like that. You know why? Because it's funny and it kind of works. I mean, you could argue that it's just the writer's way of going "go away Merlin/Arthur shippers" by making Merlin such an avid Arthur/Gwen shipper but I don't care. I can still happily ship both. And besides, Merlin and Arthur's relationship is established now, that was the entire point of series 1 and 2 and I'm glad they've put so much effort into developing Arthur/Gwen. It means it doesn't feel shoehorned in and underdeveloped and weak like it was in series 2.

Besides, can anyone else say "OT3"? ;)

Anyway, that rant over... (I greatly apologise)

**MERLIN** I shall teh magics you and your soup

**ARTHUR** *soup spillage*

**MERLIN** Ha! Now let's see if Princess Fancy Sleeves likes you!

No, sorry Merlin, it didn't work.

And no, sorry writers. I'm not fooled. Not for one second.

It's a good thing that Mithian didn't spill the soup and then Arthur tried to wipe it off because that may have ended awkwardly.

**AGRAVAINE** Hello Arthur, I have come to get this plot rolling again. The vaults are secure and nothing was taken *shifty eyes*

**ARTHUR** Good. Now you shall dance for us, mwahaha!

**AGRAVAINE **Erm... Go back to the puppy eyes with Princess Fancy Sleeves please, sir

Anyway, it seems to be later on because he's escorting her back to her chambers.

**MITHIAN** And I totally love hunting

**ARTHUR** Awesome. Night then... Erm... Picnic? Tomorrow? Awkwardness

Merlin is not going to like this development. After all, picnics are an Arthur/Gwen thing.

**IX – Teh sinister soundtrack is here. Methinks something evil is afoot**

And her name is Morgana, and she has her siege plans for Helios.

**GWEN** Well, this is an unfortunate development

And then a rock falls and Gwen has escaped in record time. That was quick. So quick I'm not entirely sure I followed it properly. But what really matters is that angry!Morgana is angry... and worried.

**MORGANA** That dress! It could only be Gwen's, despite the fact that I'm sure many servants wear similar clothing. What is this serving woman's name

**HELIOS **Erm, its Guinevere. What of it?

**MORGANA** Well bugger that and bugger you. We must find teh Gwen!

Gwen... Word of advice... This is why you use aliases!

**GWEN** *ruuuuuuuuuns! And hides in a river, because silly bandits don't notice women in skimpy-for-medieval-times outfits hiding in rivers. It's a known fact*

**X – Anyway, we can't have too much plot, back to the wacky hijinks of Arthur and his fake Love Interest!**

Arthur is being awkward and Merlin is annoyed, but Arthur is wearing a nice coat and leggings and books and things.

At least Mithian is nice to Merlin. As far as false-romantic-interests for Arthur go, she's certainly the nicest, if a little bit_ too_ perfect. Meh, Vivian was still funnier and the one from last series who was a Changeling (really sorry I don't remember her name and can't be bothered to look it up) was the most likeable.

Sophia was just an evil bitch.

MERLIN *sulks behind a tree*

And then we have belching jokes, because for some reason this has turned into Shrek all of a sudden.

Anyway, it's obvious that Arthur and Mithian aren't going to get together (apart from the obvious reason called Guinevere) because they are far too awkward in their interactions.

**XI – Anyway, that over, Morgana wants Guinevere found NOW. Please.**

Helios would rather snooze. I think he's tired of all Morgana's weirdness.

Gwen, on the other hand, is camping out alone in the forest and I feel very sorry for her.

**XII – And that was the shortest scene I think I've ever written**

Merlin is continuing to sulk and Gaius is sure that something is wrong and ignoring Merlin. But Merlin has to go hunting now, so we're going to ignore whatever he thinks is wrong.

Anyway, Mithian has something to say to Merlin.

**MERLIN **I am a good person because I don't like hunting because of animal rights and stuff

**MITHIAN** You don't like me, do you?

**MERLIN** Erm...

**MITHIAN** I'm sure you have a good reason

**MERTHUR FANS**_** AND**_** ARTHUR/GWEN** **FANS** YES HE DOES!

Wow, they agreed on something for a change. That's amazing. Go screenwriters, do it again! This fandom may become united yet!

Mithian has common sense

**MITHIAN **Arthur's a loveable person

Yeah, he is ;)

**MITHIAN **Can you give me a chance? Please?

**MERLIN** Well, your tone of voice was a little patronising but... Yeah, sure, go for it.

**XIII – Morgana is on a horse. Look at her horse, her horse is amazing...**

*cough* Anyway...

Wow, Gwen's campfire caused a lot of smoke. But she has heard Morgana's amazing horse!

**GWEN** *ruuuuuuuns! Again*

**MORGANA** Come out, come out, wherever you are *evil smirk*

Ah, there it is! I was wondering where that had got to.

Gwen, you're on foot and Morgana is on a horse. Why not swerve off into the thick trees where she can't follow you, because there is no way you are going to be able to outrun a freaking horse

**MORGANA** Especially one as amazing as mine.

Also, Gwen appears to be running at night and Morgana at around mid-evening. What the what?

**MORGANA** Hi there! The path to Camelot is that way, you know.

**GWEN** *runs off*

**MORGANA** *sigh* Had to do this the hard way, didn't you? *teh magics*

Is Morgana's special magical skill telekinetic-ing people into trees or what?

**XIV – Hello, very loud hunting party. Well done in scaring away all the animals before you can get anywhere near them :)**

**MORGANA** I'm still here. Hm, let's tear off this engagement ring, because I'm spiteful like that... Oh damn, a hunting party. Bleh. Oh well, this gives me an idea *teh magics*

**GWEN** *glowing*

Ooh, shiny.

Meanwhile:

**MERLIN** I really hate hunting. We haven't found anything, possibly due to the bloody racket we're making. Seriously, that just seems counterproductive.

**LEON **Hey look, a deer!

**MERLIN** *facepalm* I really can't be bothered *wanders off on his own*

But wait! Merlin finds the deer and *el gaspeth* it's actually Gwen! By the way, the thing with the reflections of the deer and Gwen in Merlin's eyes is really cool and they should do effects like that more often. What is not so cool is that Gwen is crying and that makes me sad. Also, he can see Gwen's reflection when the deer walks past a convenient puddle.

**ARTHUR **Slo-motion hunting!

**MERLIN** Oh, _bugger_

**LEON** Sire, she's yours

Heh. Irony.

**ARTHUR **Crossbow!

**MERLIN **No!

**AUDIENCE** NO!

**ARTHUR/GWEN** **FANS** VERY MUCH NO!

**MERLIN** *teh magics*

Ha! He missed

**MITHIAN** I thought you were a good shot, my lord. *crossbows* A gold sovereign says she's hit!

Mithian, dear... I know you don't know that's anything other than a deer but... You _bitch_.

**MERLIN **Very much 'oh _bugger_'

And a second later he's way ahead of the whole hunting party. And blimey, Gwen's gone quite far considering she's probably got an arrow in her.

**ARTHUR** What is this? *picks up engagement ring* Well, this is doing nothing good for my guilt complex

**MITHIAN** You found the trail? My lord? Hello? Can you hear me? Are you alive? My lord?

**ARTHUR** No more hunting today

**MITHIAN** Damn

**MERLIN** Well, thank goodness for that.

**XV – And by the time its night he acquires a horse and is off searching for Gwen**

By which, I mean he rides through the forest yelling her name loudly. Luckily, when he finds her she has turned back into herself and has an arrow in her leg. Blimey, she did manage to get quite far. With an ARROW. IN. HER. LEG. Now that is determination.

**MERLIN** *pulls out arrow and heals her with teh magics*

... Wait... So does Gwen know he has teh magics now?

Nope, she's unconscious, so they'll probably use that as an excuse. Especially as by the time she wakes up in the morning she's completely surprised to see Merlin.

**GWEN** HUGS!

Yay for hugs!

**MERLIN** You were injured

**GWEN** Yes, and I'm not anymore. Weird. Where's Morgana? She was going to attack Camelot through the siege tunnels and by the way, Agravaine is totally evil, erm, what's that?

Oh dammit, Gwen, if you go and tell Arthur what you know about the invasion and you're proved right then Arthur will probably forgive you. Especially if you go whilst you're wearing that outfit. Oh well, I guess it's up to Merlin then...

**XVI – Unfortunately, Arthur is not happy about being spoken to today**

**ARTHUR** I has guilt-rage! Grr!

**MERLIN **But... Agravaine... Evil... Siege tunnels

**ARTHUR** Don't be ridiculous. Look, here are the siege tunnel plans

And then the director is mean in making us think that he won't find them and Agravaine will be discovered but he does and its mean.

Oh, and here's an incontinently timed Agravaine.

AND STOP THREATENING MERLIN WITH EXILE!

Please.

Damn, Arthur has some anger management problems this episode.

**AGRAVAINE** *evil smirk at Merlin*

Hey! You stole Morgana's thing.

And so Arthur sits alone on his bed being guilt ridden. Nope, I'm not going to feel sorry for him after he threatened Merlin the way he did. That was just overly mean. Plus, I'm still bitter about the whole Lancelot thing.

**MERLIN** Is this a bad time?

**ARTHUR** Not for being philosophical

**MERLIN** *facepalm*

**ARTHUR **What the heck am I supposed to do?

**MERLIN** Well, if you're going to be existential, I may as well be existential right back at you

**ARTHUR** Thanks for that.

Odd scene.

**XVII – And so, Mithian, once again dressed in her polar bear cape, is off back to her own Kingdom**

But luckily, Arthur and his pointy crown are giving her the lands of Gedref, so that's okay.

**KNIGHT** Who teh scarf is Gedref, anyway?

**MITHIAN** So, who is this woman?

**ARTHUR** No one and everyone

**MITHIAN **Wow. Riddles. Great. Thanks

**ARTHUR** Daughter of a blacksmith?

**MITHIAN** Fair enough. I'm just going to go home with a heavily implied broken heart then. Bye, Arthur.

Later that night:

**ARTHUR** ... I'm beginning to think that exiling Gwen was a mistake

**MERLIN** Well at least you worked that out. Meh, you'll see her again.

**ARTHUR **How can you be sure?

**MERLIN** ... Destiny?

OH GOD! HE'S BECOME ONE OF _THEM_!

**GREAT DRAGON** *sniggers, drinks coffee*

**ARTHUR** *sees nothing weird about Merlin calling him 'The Once and Future King'*

And there we have it :)

**NEXT TIME... **

**This trailer is epic, for some reason Arthur briefly imitates **_**300**_**, we have Morgana lounging evilly in the throne of Camelot (because it is the law that all evil people in thrones must sit in an obviously evil fashion), and Agravaine following the "cool guys don't look at explosions" rule. That is all, and I can't wait!**

**:D**

**Obvious edit is obvious: And yeah, the finale was pretty awesome when it happened, wasn't it?**


	11. The Sword in the Stone is not here

Guess what I found floating around in internet-land?

That's right. _The Sword in the Stone_… And by that I don't mean the actual sword, I mean the episodes. Parts 1 and 2!

Promised you that I'd write up these episodes as soon as I found them. It's just taken me longer than I would have liked, but hey, at least I'm completing this series before series five starts (on which note: Series 5 trailer = AWESOME. WANT. NOW.)

Yeah. I'm back ;)

**The Sword in the Stone - Part One.**

**I – Arthur's preening in front of a mirror, because… yeah**

I think something might be wrong with his hair, possibly. I dunno, it just looks different. He's also pulling lots of faces.

**MERLIN** You have to look kingly for the feast of… Yeah, the feast. We have feasts in Camelot all the time, does it really have to have a name to give us an excuse? Really?

**ARTHUR** I'm hardly going to look kingly in my undergarments

You're not even wearing your undergarments, unless for some reason your undergarments are made of chainmail, Arthur. And that would just be uncomfortable.

**MERLIN** *hiding something*

**ARTHUR **What have you got there?

**MERLIN** Nothing. My hand. My other hand.

Lol, Merlin is a troll. An adorable troll. They are a rare breed.

**ARTHUR** *walks away from camera and is wearing no trousers*

Well, that explains everything.

*stares for a bit*

And then, because we don't have enough irony in this show already, Merlin mentions that he's very good at keeping secrets. And the writers once again tease us mercilessly by making us think that maybe _this_ time he's going to have his warlock-ness revealed (spoiler: it doesn't happen).

Meanwhile, in the land of not-so-whimsical: Agravaine is making smokebombs to get past some guards.

**AGRAVAINE **Well, at the rate that Camelot loses guards, I hardly doubt anybody will notice these two dropping. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some fire messages to deliver. Could have used giant flags or something, but whatever…

Suspicious!Arthur is suspicious.

**ARTHUR** Have you seen Agravaine?

**GAIUS** Don't ask me. He's _your _randomly-unexplained-evil-uncle-character, how am I supposed to keep track of his sudden, unexplained appearances and disappearances?

**ARTHUR** Meh, whatevs. Ah, food. Yay!

**MERLIN** *le giggle* Easy now, we don't want any more holes in that belt

**SIR JEFF** *actual spittake*

**ARTHUR **Well, it's a good job you don't have any actually important secrets or anything

GOD DAMMIT IRONY!

Okay, and can we stop cutting between the whimsical feast with happy music and troll!Merlin and the 'omg ominous' scenes with Agravaine evil strutting around everywhere and for some reason they have some kind of aversion to showing his face actually on camera. Well, until he gets to the end of those tunnels.

**AGRAVAINE** Hey guys. Yeah, just forget about being subtle, carrying all those torches and stuff. Anyway, come on in, there's a party going on upstairs.

And then he ominously struts through the tunnels. Like a boss.

Sir Jeff is flirting. This makes Arthur sad, because Guinevere and stuff.

**MERLIN** Are you sad because Guinevere and stuff

**ARTHUR **NO SHIT!

And more guards are dying and the evil armies of evil are lighting everything on fire using… well, I'm guessing it isn't petrol, seeing as this is the dark ages and all that.

**AGRAVAINE** *casual strut of casualness* Cool guys don't look at explosions…

Meanwhile (we're having a lot of meanwhiles, and we're not even five minutes in) Morgana is watching. Because ominous.

**HELIOS** Hey, who'd have thought that after all those attempts to take over Camelot through monsters and trying to manipulate the queen of a totally different kingdom and brainwashing Merlin and Lancelot and stuff didn't work, all you needed was to just walk in through some tunnels? Crazy, huh?

**MORGANA **The fire is preeeetty.

**That's enough ominousness than you could shake a stick at, so let's have some (dun dun dun) Opening credits!**

**II – Everything has gone to crazy in about five seconds**

**SIR LEON **Well, this sucks

**INVADING ARMIES OF EVIL** Raaaaaaaarrrrrrgggh!

**ELYAN** Yup.

In the great hall:

**GWAINE** Sire, you might be interested to know that we're under attack

**ARTHUR** Oh, so that's what all the fire and screaming was about. That makes sense now. *table jump* TO AWESOME!

Elyan has found Agravaine, and because he is still Mister-Common-Sense, he's doing the sensible thing.

**ELYAN** I knew there was something funny about you ever since you just randomly turned up without any explanation! So, you die now, right?

**AGRAVAINE** I got two swords though

**MORGANA** And I got magic!

**ELYAN** *flying through the air* Oh craaaaaaaaaaaaaaap! *unconscious*

You'll be pleased to know that Morgana still has Bellatrix LeStrange hair and makes evil faces.

**MORGANA** We don't have time to play soldiers, Agravaine *strides off* *sigh* Agravaine. More like Aggravating, AmIright?

(all credit for that joke goes to tumblr)

In the hall:

**GAIUS** I can't believe this! After all that work Morgana went to brainwashing you and trying to take over Camelot using monsters and stuff failed, now she goes through some tunnels and all of a sudden we're losing? How does that even work?

And Merlin just runs off. Because apparently finding Arthur is more important right now than helping Gaius with the injured people. Then again, maybe he's just given up on trying to save the redshirts, there really doesn't seem to be much point.

Not that I think Arthur really needs help, he's _300_-ing his way through the enemy soldiers quite nicely, there.

**ARTHUR** *slo-mo* _I'm awesoooooooome_!

**EVIL SOLIDER** Sword!

**ARTHUR** Or not. Ow!

But he recovers. Merlin doesn't even have to use his magic to get rid of the enemy with Arthur somehow completely not noticing. That's a first.

**MERLIN** Magic wall flamethrowers!

Well, it was nice while it lasted.

**ARTHUR** What was that you were just saying when you stuck your head round the corner

**MERLIN** Nothing at all, now run!

And then they see Morgana walk past with Agravaine and Helios and stuff in slow motion and it's all very sad and poignant because betrayal.

(also, Sir Leon getting everybody out is awesome sauce)

**III – Morgana is lounging.**

Well, she has just won. I think she's entitled to a bit of an evil lounge in a throne.

Also, excuse me for possibly getting a bit distracted, because _The Hollow Crown_ (four Shakespeare history plays were adapted by the BBC and they were all awesome as all hell, but Sherlock series 2 is still the best thing that's been on TV so far this year, sorry Shakespeare) was on the other week and I swear that every other castle set they used was the interior of Camelot. Like this great hall, for example. Not to mention when they actual used Pierrefonds castle as an establishing shot, but that's another matter entirely.

Tangent over.

(Tangent might have been caused by Tom Hiddleston being in three of those plays and Morgana is really reminding me of Loki right about now… I'll shut up)

**HELIOS** We won and stuff

**MORGANA** Yeah, whatever. Taking Camelot was the easy part. Seriously, your sleeveless armour really isn't as cool as Sir Jeff's. You should think about chainmail.

**HELIOS** Easy? That doesn't explain why you failed at it so many times these past two series

**MORGANA** Am I going to have to magically throw you into a wall? I want Arthur.

You really didn't have to say it quite like that. That tone of voice was just creepy with its implications.

**MORGANA** Where is he?

**HELIOS** In the palace. There's no way out*lets Morgana walk off* Heh, heh, heh *evil smirk*

**MORGANA** STOP THAT EVIL SMIRKING AT ONCE! THAT'S MY JOB!

Meanwhile (need to stop saying that) Gwaine and Sir Jeff let us know that wooden doors are extremely good at soundproofing the horrible sounds of battle from the room you've made into an improvised hospital. Also, all hope is lost, etc. etc.

**MERLIN** I have le plan. But we need to drug Arthur. You got anything, Gaius?

**GAIUS **Erm, no. Can you stop forgetting that you're a wizard at moments where it would really be useful?

**MERLIN** Well, there is that. *teh magics*

And the effect is that Arthur is suddenly high. Possibly. And so many awkward looks were exchanged between the knights that day.

**GAWAINE** I'm gonna go be a hero now. Good luck, my vest-wearing friend. Now bugger off, Merlin

**MERLIN** I thought having the hero complex was my job. Or possibly Harry Potter's… *buggers off*

And then Gaius and Gwaine faced the doors as the enemy armies broke in and it was kind of badass but in a very strange way.

**MORGANA** Where's Arthur?

**GAIUS** Not here. Soooo… In your face.

**MORGANA** DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF?

**IV – Don't ask me how Arthur, Merlin and Jeff got out of Camelot**

Just… don't. Cause I don't know.

And yeah, Arthur is definitely high right now.

**ELYAN **Surprise attack!

**SIR JEFF** ARGH! Oh, wait, it's you.

**ARTHUR** *stares at burning Camelot*

**MERLIN **Come on, Arthur

**ARTHUR **The fire's preeeeeeety…

Luckily, Merlin has a plan, to go to Ealdor, because if you're like me and sad, you remember silly little details from way back in series one where Uther wouldn't go and help out because Ealdor is in a different kingdom! Yay! Not luckily, Merlin can hear horses. So don't just stop, you silly people! Run for it!

**SIR JEFF** Run for it!

Thank you!

The horses are in slow motion anyway, so it isn't like they're going to have to run very fast…

Morgana's evil magic eyes look _really _evil. And Arthur's cape as he's being thrown around by magic is huge.

Luckily, Merlin's been knocked down by magic so many times that it doesn't affect him anymore, and off they run again. Except for Sir Jeff.

**ELYAN** My turn to have the hero complex. Run away, Merlin, I'll hold off the guards

**MERLIN **I thought you were supposed to be Mister common sense… But, okay, I guess *runs*

**ELYAN **Well, I'm probably going to be captured. I wonder why all these enemy soldiers have Dread Pirate Roberts bandanas on their heads? Meh *swords*

In the relative safety of… some other part of the forest (okay, is it just me, or is this episode really misty?) Arthur is acting strangely. I mean, he's actually apologising for things and trusting Merlin. Merlin isn't sure whether to be suspicious about this or enjoy it.

**MERLIN **Well, he's high. If it doesn't go away, I'll just abuse the hell out of it later

**V – Morgana got back from that hunt fairly quickly. And yup, still throne-lounging**

Smug!Agravaine struts and is smug. Smug!Helios is leaning on the throne, smugly.

**AGRAVAINE **Sup, Helios, I'm smug

**HELIOS **Bitch, whatever

I don't think they like each other much.

**MORGANA **Erm, hello. I'd like to remind you that _I'm_ the Queen here. Oh, and I'm evil aren't I? So… burn the crops or something until the people decide that they like me better than Arthur.

**AGRAVAINE'S INNER POLITICIAN** *facepalm*

**HELIOS **Don't be like that, Agravaine. It's like Rule 23 of screenwriting: evil rulers have to burn crops to get people to co-operate.

Oh, and Elyan's been captured. Whatever happened to Sir Jeff shall remain unexplained.

**MORGANA** We'll find Arthur soon enough

…

**ELYAN** Hey, don't look at me with your torture implications. I just fought off some Dread Pirate Roberts mooks for a while to give Arthur time to get away; I don't have a clue where he's gone

**MORGANA** EVIL HONEY BADGER DON'T CARE!

**VI – Rule 37 of screenwriting: When your protagonists are in trouble/on the run and need a disguise, it is perfectly morally acceptable to steal clothes from washing lines.**

Rule 38 of screenwriting: These clothes will never fit properly

**MERLIN** Wow. You look like a turniphead, and yes, that is now a word *totally anticipating a smack*

**ARTHUR** Oh. Well, that's a shame *doesn't smack*

**MERLIN** … I am _totally_ going to abuse this for all its worth :D *steals Arthur's gold*

Oh dammit, if it's going to keep mood whiplashing back and forth between silly Arthur and Merlin scenes and Morgana being evil and torturing people, I'm going to run out of scene divisions!

**MORGANA **Do you know what this is?

**AGRAVAINE** Another not!Hydra?

**HELIOS** The world's cutest torture device?

**ELYAN** Some CGI?

**MORGANA **No, sillies! It's a Nathair!

I actually had to go and look up how to spell that on the Merlin wiki. CAN'T YOU JUST CALL IT A SNAKE?

**MORGANA** From the mountains of Asgard

Okay, I have to have misheard that.

No, I'm not going to go back to find out what she actually said. :)

**MORGANA** With a bit of persuasion it can cause a man pain beyond all imagining

… _Where_ are you going to put that thing, Morgana?

**MORGANA** So, you'll tell me where Arthur is, y/y?

Elyan may be Mister Common Sense, but he is also a knight of the round table, which makes him Mister Loyalty as well. And, as pointed out previously, he doesn't know Arthur's exact location anyway. And Morgana has crazy eyes. Yup, she's taken a swan dive right off the sanity cliff.

**MORGANA** Oh good! HORRIFIC OFFSCREEN PAIN TIME!

**ELYAN** DID NOT THINK THIS THROUGH! OWWWWWWWW!

**HELIOS AND AGRAVAINE** … Sooooo, would now be a good time for pudding?

*unspecified amount of time later*

**ELYAN** STILL IN UMIMAGINABLE PAIN HERE!

**HELIOS** Om nom nom nom food

**AGRAVAINE** … well this is just awkward

Oh, here's Morgana. That should make things less awkward.

**MORGANA** Arthur's going to Ealdor

Oh yeah, Merlin did mention that in front of Elyan, didn't he? Obviously the whole self-preservation part of common sense kicked in for Elyan.

**MORGANA** Oh, and fail me again Agravaine, and I will bring the pain.

…

Yup, she's lost it.

**AGRAVANE** … But what did I do?

In the dungeons, at least Gaius and Gwaine get to share so they don't go mad from isolation or anything. Oh, and here's Elyan to join them.

**ELYAN** ….

**GWAINE **That's bad, right?

**GAIUS **Damn Nathair serpants

**GWAINE **What in even the hell?

**ELYAN** …..

**VII – Well, at least Morgana's taking the paperwork part of this Queen job seriously**

Oh, here's Agravaine. Want to place your bets on the likelihood that he's here to grovel?

**MORGANA** What are you still doing here? Bugger off and bring me back Arthur's head on a stick, k thanks bye.

**AGRAVAINE** Erm…

**MORGANA** *le evil glare*

**AGRAVAINE** I just wanted to say goodbye

**MORGANA **Well, that was unexpected. So, you said goodbye. Look, if you're expecting sympathy from the audience now then you're really not getting the whole evil-bastard thing

**AGRAVAINE** Just… take care

I can't decide if he meant to say that honestly or as a threat

**MORGANA** What have I to fear?

*facepalm* Don't say that, Morgana, it's pretty much guaranteed that you're going to fail now. Not that you have much chance of holding onto that crown of yours in the first place.

**MORGANA** *sassy face* So, I can't trust anyone except you, can I?

**AGRAVAINE** I am your one true…

O_o I'm not sure I like where this is going…

**AGRAVAINE** … ally

Oh, phew *sigh of relief*

**AGRAVAINE **I would do anything for you!

**MORGANA** *eyeroll* Then go and find Arthur and you can stay at my side and protect me all you like.

**AGRAVAINE** Good… So… I'll be off then *leaves awkwardly*

…

**MORGANA** Wow, even_ I_ found that creepy

**VIII –MORE SLOW MOTION ARMIES OF DOOOOOOOOM!**

And now we return to your regularly scheduled Merlin and Arthur banter.

High!Arthur is busy being adorable and doing little bouncy dances like a crazy person

**MERLIN** Wait. Here.

**HIGH!ARTHUR** *does not wait*

Well, he's a _Doctor Who_ companion in the making!

Merlin has found a caravan. And a sword has found Merlin.

Oh, it's a woman dressed in something completely anachronistic! Yay! Oh, and for those of you playing the Doctor-Who-actors-who-have-appeared-in-Merlin drinking game (that haven't already died), take a shot. I personally go for espressos of _Destiny_ (I'm joking). (This woman was Tallulah the showgirl from the Daleks in Manhattan episodes, by the way. I literally only worked this out about a month ago.)

**ANACHRONISTICALLY-DRESSED WOMAN** Hey, Epic Trenchcoat Man! I found some lurkers lurking about

**EPIC TRENCHCOAT MAN** *throws knives at random* You shouldn't lurk where you aren't wanted, boy!

**MERLIN** Hey! I'm not a boy, I'm a man now! The great dragon says so in his narration at the start of every episode!

**EPIC TRENCHCOAT MAN** Wow, you two aren't suspicious _at all_

**MERLIN** … Nor are you

**EPIC TRENCHCOAT MAN** So who's the guy with the face and hair and blue eyes just like the King's?

**MERLIN** Meh. Just some clotpole

**EPIC TRENCHCOAT MAN** Go away.

Merlin, however, spots a free ride when he sees it and requests that he and Arthur tag along. After all, he'd be greatful for the company

**HIGH!ARTHUR** I'm very annoying.

EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!

What?

**EPIC TRENCHCOAT MAN** Bugger off

**MERLIN** Okay, fine, not a free ride. I do have gold

**ANACHRONISTCALLY DRESSED WOMAN** *suddenly interested*

**EPIC TRENCHCOAT MAN** Oh _fine_!

**HIGH!ARTHUR** *grins like an idiot*

The bad news: Agravaine has found Arthur's changing spot and is on the trail.

The, erm, other news: Epic Trenchcoat Man and Anachronistically-Dressed Woman flirt like teenagers, Arthur has legs and also he likes to hug trees. Because… high. *shrugs* And, as per usual, Merlin can't keep his nose out of other people's business. Literally, in fact.

**MERLIN** I smell frankincense!

**ANACHRONASTICALLY DRESSED WOMAN** I still have a sword, you know

**EPIC TRENCHCOAT MAN** So keep out of our smuggling business

**MERLIN** But… illegal

**EPIC TRENCHCOAT MAN** Bitch, we're Tristan and Isolde. We don't know the meaning of the word "caught"

**EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER STUDIED ARTHURIAN LORE EVER **And you don't know the meaning of the names Tristan and Isolde, but we're going to let it slide because you are kind of badass.

**TRISTAN** It's the trenchcoat. Everyone loves the trenchcoat

**ISOLDE** And the leather. And the sword.

**TRISTAN** Those too.

**MERLIN** Kinky

**TRISTAN** So lol at you, and lol at the halfwit king

**HIGH!ARTHUR** *knocking on a tree* Hello? Anyone home?

(sidenote: **ME WHEN I FIRST SAW THIS EPISODE** Oh, so _that's_ how you pronounce Isolde!)

Later that night, Merlin and high!Arthur are sitting by the fireside, so it must be time for a meaningful conversation. Or Merlin berating high!Arthur about being rude and how hard he works. Which is kind of meaningful. And also kind of adorable.

**MERLIN** Well, might as well start abusing this power I have whilst Arthur is high :D

And he did. And he lolled.

**IX – Agravaine and the Dread Pirate Roberts Mooks, riding through the forest (Oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally, golly what a day)**

**ARTHUR **WHY AM I DRESSED LIKE AN IDIOT?

**MERLIN **Oh dammit, you're not high anymore, are you?

**ARTHUR** … What?

Merlin gives the quickest explanation of what's been going on ever. Arthur takes it rather well.

**ARTHUR** SMUGGLERS?

**MERLIN** *inner facepalm*Listen, just trust me and keep in character

**ARTHUR** Character? What character?

**TRISTAN** Morning Merlin! Morning simpleton! *waves*

**ARTHUR** …

**MERLIN** *innocent smile*

**ARTHUR **I am never getting high ever again.

Then there is possible innuendo with a sword which is probably unintentional but I gigglesnorted anyway. It involves Tristan using the phrase "impressive piece". And Arthur doing a bad accent. And suspicious!Tristan being suspicious

MERLIN I totally won that royal sword in a card game. Neat, huh?

**TRISTAN** Would now be a good time to mention that I hate all knights of Camelot. Like, a lot?

**MERLIN **Erm…

**ARTHUR** *hugs sword*Please tell me we don't have to keep this up much longer

Well, that sounds to me like a cue for A BATTLE OF BATTLENESS! And the enemy have arrows.

**TRISTAN** Crap! They've got arrows so badass they make crazy loud noises when they go past. All named characters behind the smuggling cart!

**ISOLDE** With any luck, they'll mistake it for a tree and shoot it instead of us!

**ARTHUR** Well, screw the cover ups. Go hide behind some real trees, then you're guaranteed safety.

**MERLIN** What do we do?

**ARTHUR** We use crossbows. Long distance range, and the chosen weapon of 2012, if Katniss, Hawkeye and Princess Merida are anything to go by.

**MERLIN** Is now really the time to be thinking about jumping on bandwagons, sire?

**ARTHUR** Just kill some Dread Pirate Roberts mooks, Merlin, and shut up. Now run awaaaaaay!

They run awaaaaaay into the forest, just in time for Agravaine to turn up and make "where in the hell did they go?" faces.

**TRISTAN** Can someone kindly explain what in the name of Dobby's socks is going on?

**ARTHUR** I'm the king, that's my evil uncle and my evil sister is currently lounging on my throne because she does that.

**MERLIN **As fascinating as your little political argument about taxes is, don't you think this would be a good time to run awaaaaay some more?

Or, indeed, have more battles. And Arthur really doesn't look half as badass as usual in those non-fitting clothes. Someone find him his chainmail, quickly.

**ISOLDE** Badass action woman to the rescue!

**MOOK** *sword*

**ISOLDE** Or not. Damn, I did not think this outfit through

**ARTHUR** *swords mook in the back* Yeah, you should really invest in some armour.

Tristan then slow-motions towards Isolde and has a meaningful conversation with her about how they are partners for life and stuff.

**ISOLDE** Please stop it. I'm not dead yet, you know

**MERLIN** You know, maybe we should continue to run awaaaaaay

**TRISTAN** BUT MY DARLING ISOLDE IS DYING IN MY ARMS AND I DON'T WANT HER TO DIIIIIE!

**ARTHUR** She isn't dying, you idiot, let's go to Ealdor and get her fixed up

**ISOLDE** He has a point you know

**TRISTAN** Oh _fine_.

**X – Whilst we're talking about royalty bringing misery, who wants to see Morgana bring the creepy some more?**

I know I do!

Gaius is looking incredibly casual, leaning against that wall, for someone who is starving to death in a dungeon. Gwaine, not so much.

**ELYAN** …..

Gwaine, having elected himself speaker of the prison cell, goes to face down Morgana through the bars. It is going to be like a faceoff of snark-ism. In Irish.

**GWAINE **So, if I play the 'please feed us or Gaius will die' nobility card, will it work?

**MORGANA **Awww! You're adorable! And handsome

And thus, another pairing was born.

**MORGANA **Sure, you'll have some supper. As long as you're prepared to sing for it

**FANGIRLS **GWAINE IS GONNA SING?

**XII – The border between Camelot and Lot's kingdom.**

Because it isn't easy to confuse those names, or anything. Also, I thought that Ealdor was in Cenred's kingdom? Then again, seeing as Morgause killed Cenred, maybe Lot is the guy that took over.

**ARTHUR** Ealdor is just over that valley! Isn't that great, we just have to make the injured woman trek for another half a day until we make it to medical help!

**MERLIN **Yeah, it should be a piece of cake after those mountains we went through! Let's rest here for the night, I'll go get a fire to keep Isolde warm in those anachronistically skimpy clothes.

**ISOLDE** yaaaaay.

Also, Tristan is not Mister Common Sense, because he is apparently so anti-king that he won't even take water from Arthur.

**ARTHUR** I'm not sure whether to be offended or just facepalm.

Meanwhile, it becomes clear that Morgana isn't going to make Gwaine actually sing.

**FANGIRLS** *disappointed*

Instead, she's set up her own makeshift gladiator tournament in her throne room, because hey, being an evil queen and not having gone hunting after her kingly brother herself, she needs some form of entertainment.

**MORGANA** Tee hee hee, I'm having so much evil fun! *waves her arms around*

She's practically turned throne-lounging into an artform.

**GWAINE **What in even the hell is this nonsense?

We don't have time to dwell on that though, because it's back to Arthur and co. And they're sitting round a campfire. I SMELL MEANINGFUL CONVERSATIONS!

**ARTHUR** So, you never told me that Agravaine was evil… why?

**MERLIN **Erm…

**ARTHUR** Damn, I feel like an idiot for not working out that he was evil earlier

**AUDIENCE** You should.

**ARTHUR** I don't even know where he suddenly appeared from. Why do people hate me?

**MERLIN** *facepalm*

Something tells me that Arthur would make for a very clingy drunk.

Anywaaaaay, Gwaine is busy trying really hard not to die.

**GWAINE** LOl I'm a knight of Camelot, silly, I can kick your ass using only the power of snark! *hops around* Come and get me, angry ugly face! *piggyback chokehold*

**MOOK** Nooo! I have been defeated by his Irish wit and cheeriness!

**GWAINE** *kick*

**MOOK **Well, that's a pillar *knocked to the ground* And that's a mace

**GWAINE** *mace*

**MOOK** Ow *defeated*

**MORGANA** I could watch this aaaaaaall day *suggestive eyebrows*

**TWO MORE MOOKS** LOl :)

**GWAINE** Oh bugger.

**XIII – Ealdor! Unfortunately no longer the home of insane amounts of subtext**

But it is the home of more random slow motion shots and some familiar faces, such as…

**MERLIN** Mother! I haven't seen you in ages!

**HUNITH** Merlin!

**MERLIN** So… I met my father…

*akward pause*

**XIV – Unspecified amount of time later…**

Isolde is going to be fine, so that's nice to know. Also, Arthur's still having his guilt trip. Luckily, now Isolde is fine, Tristan has lightened up a little.

Unfortunately, Agravaine appears to have caught up.

**MERLIN **Hey, mother, isn't it great being perfectly safe here in Ealdor and not having to worry about anything at all ever. Because we're safe. Sure is nice being safe.

And whilst we're talking about familiar faces… Guinevere, everybody!

And she's staring at sleeping shirtless Arthur because…

**ARTHUR** Why do I get the feeling that I'm being watched?

**GWEN **… Hi

**ARTHUR** …

**GWEN** So… hug?

**ARTHUR** That sounds… nice

**HUGGING ***ensues*

**MERLIN **Well, I love a happy endi-

**SCREAMING ***occurs*

**MERLIN** Oh,_ bugger_.

**AGRAVAINE** Is this a bad time?

Luckily, in the space of I have no idea, Arthur is kitted out in his chainmail and everyone is waiting in a barn, looking very serious.

**TRISTAN** Any suggestions?

**MERLIN** Well, we could always run awaaaaaay

**TRISTAN** Good idea

**EVERYONE EXCEPT MERLIN** *buggers off*

**MERLIN** Time to distract Agravaine through the power of BURNING CARTS!

**AGRAVAINE** *faceplants in the hill*

**EVERYONE ELSE** *is spotted anyway* Run awaaaaaaaaay!

**SOUNDTRACK** EVERYTHING IS GETTING DANGEROUS!

Oh, and this is a two parter! Next time trailers!

**NEXT TIME **

**Everything goes to even more crazy. There is more slow motion, more explosions and Morgana gets a go at **_**300**_**-ing through everything.**

**You know, for an episode called The Sword in the Stone part one, this episode didn't have much in terms of swords in stones, did it. Luckily, next week looks set to remedy that. And then some.**


	12. The Sword in the Stone For realsies

Here we go. Here it is. The finale of_ Merlin_, series 4. _The Sword in the Stone_, part 2! Brace yourself for excitement, slow-motion, badass-ness, Merlin's magic still not being freaking revealed, Morgana channelling every other villain I can think of right at this moment, hopefully at least one more Sword-in-a-Stone than there was in part 1 and (of course) more randomness than you could shake Dragoon's beard at!

***cough* Shameless self-promotion section *cough***

By the way, I will be reviewing each episode of Doctor Who and the new series of Merlin (both as proper reviews and hopefully Merlin with shorter versions of these Amusing Reviews) as they come, on my tumblr, which can be found here. I've done some analytical reviews of a couple of movies and some TV from this year (including Sherlock series 2) over there. Also, I'm hoping to write another edition of the Fourth Wall Saga quite soon as well. Watch this space.

*cough* Anyways, let's get right to it! At long last, I present:

**Episode Thirteen - The Sword in the Stone: Part Two**

**(subtitled: all the shiz goes down in all its epicness (and it was epic))**

**And then the "previously on" segment makes the cliffhanger look a lot more badass than the sort of weird thing that it actually was…**

**Y, hello thar, OPENING CREDITS, I wasn't expecting you this early.**

**I – Well, I'm just glad I didn't get my scene numbers confused**

**SOUNDTRACK **Run awaaaaaay!

**OUR HEROES** *run awaaaaay!*

**MERLIN** Keep running awaaaaay! I'll cover our tracks

**EVERYONE ELSE** *keeps running awaaaaay!*

**MERLIN** *moves about a foot away and speaks very loudly in dragon-language*

**GREAT DRAGON** *doesn't show up*

Well, there's no need to look so confused, Merlin, he does have some way to travel. He can't just apperate in front of you when you call him… I think… I'm pretty sure he can't, anyway.

**MERLIN **Well, I'll just run then

**GREAT DRAGON** *finally shows the heck up*

Much to Agravaine's bemusement.

**AGRAVAINE** Oh_ crap_

And then there was fire. Oh_, now_ you run away from the explosions, Agravaine. Not such a cool guy after all, are you?

**II – Some cave tunnels**

Merlin is being very reassuring *cough*sarcasm*cough*. Arthur is not amused.

Also, bodies on fire. That's… grim.

And the dragon attacks again.

**AGRAVAINE** Run like cowards! *runs from more explosions*

**GREAT DRAGON** Heh heh heh

Agravaine, I think your flappy cape might be a horrible fire hazard. You might want to think about getting rid of it.

Meanwhile, inside the caves that look just like the caves from every other episode of this show, Tristan and Gwen are having a bit of a heart to heart. Because caves are apparently places for meaningful conversation now. Or something.

**GWEN** I was a servant

**TRISTAN **What? To Arthur?

**GWEN** Nope, to his crazy half-sister of craziness

**TRISTAIN** Sooo… why are you here?

**GWEN **Because he's my king

**EVERYONE ***facepalms*

**TRISTAN** He's rubbish

**ARTHUR** Yes, I am within hearing range, thank you

Further up the tunnels:

**AGRAVAINE** Stop being loud for a second, I think I hear someone in denial, and I'm not talking about the river in Egypt

Luckily villains don't know how to be quiet so our heroes hear them coming

MERLIN Well, this I wasn't anticipating. You lot carry on, I'll go and divert them… Again

ARTHUR But-

MERLIN Oh, and take my torch

ARTHUR But won't you need it to see?

MERLIN … Bye.

And it takes him about five seconds before he literally steps out in front of Agravaine, well done.

**MERLIN** Hey, you guys! Have you noticed that it's really cold in here? Seriously, I can see my breath and everything; I'm like a freaking dragon over here!

**AGRAVAINE **GAH!

**MERLIN **Bye! *runs awaaaaaay*

**WALL** Hi!

**MERLIN **Not as planned

**AGRAVAINE** So… You tell me where Arthur is now, y/y?

**MERLIN** Be careful

Unfortunately for Agravaine, he doesn't understand a James-Bond-stylee one liner of doom when he hears one, and Merlin teh magics all the enemy knights to be thrown back into walls. Also, Agravaine fails and cheerful evil and must try harder.

**AGRAVAINE** What the hell? You have the magics!

**MERLIN** No shit, Sherlock

**AGRAVAINE** Oh… crap. You're Emrys and you've been totally screwing us over this whole time, right?

**MERLIN** Just about, yes.

**AGRAVAINE **Oh, Morgana is going to be so piiiiissed. You know, you're pretty good at tricking Arthur. Perhaps we're more alike than you think

**MERLIN** Oh, don't even try to pull that one. Talk to the hand.

**AGRAVAINE** How about talk to the SWORD!

But Merlin has the slo-motion magics and Agravaine goes crash.

**AGRAVAINE** My only regret is that my presence was never explaaaaaaaaaaained! *dies and is ded*

**SOUNDTRACK** Ominooooooooooous!

**III – Back with Arthur and co. And yes, we are still in the tunnelly tunnels of caves**

**ARTHUR** We really shouldn't have left Merlin behind

**TRISTAN** You really are a see-saw on the whole 'Merlin's an idiot/I don't want Merlin to DIEEEE' thing, aren't you?

**ARTHUR** But I _don't _want Merlin to DIIIIIIIIIE! I'm gonna go save him. Brb

**GWEN** That's my man!

**ARTHUR** *le creeping in the caves*

**MERLIN** Hi

**ARTHUR **I really need to learn that generally when I feel the need to go back for you because I think you're dead, you are usually actually fine

**MERLIN** Well, it is wonderful to know that you care

**ARTHUR **I know, right. Oh, look, everyone else!

**TRISTAN **Well, that detour was pointless

**FANGIRLS** Yes, but we got a Merthur moment out of it

**ARTHUR** What? Never mind. Oh look, wondrous outdoors!

**GWEN **Wondrous sunlight!

**TRISTAN** Wondrous greenscreen!

**ARTHUR** So… Where do we go now?

**MERLIN** To Camelot!

**EVERYONE ***looks at him like he's a crazy person*

**MERLIN** … What?

**TRISTAN** Would this be a good time to taunt you, Arthur?

**ARTHUR **ALRIGHT FINE WHATEVER MERLIN WHEREVER YOU WANT TO GO!

**IV – Oh, hi there Camelot, haven't seen you in a while. How's things?**

GWAINE IS SHIRTLESS!

Also, Gaius is dying.

Priorities. I has them.

The good news is that Elyan seems to have recovered from his horrible snake torture.

**ELYAN** The soundtrack is spiking! Someone must be coming!

It is some guards, to drag Gwaine away. Now, this seems unfair, why is it always Gwaine who has to fight for food and never Elyan. Hm, maybe Morgana just likes her some snarky Irishman.

And yup. Morgana's still kinky.

**MORGANA** Here. Have a wooden stake. You'll be fine, especially if I ever have you fighting vampires

But we don't get to see the fight. We get more of Tristan taunting Arthur. Are we sure this guy isn't French?

MONTY PYTHON! BOOM!

**ARTHUR** Maybe I don't deserve to be king. There. I said it. Will you shut up now.

**TRISTAN **Well, you're not king anymore, so lol at you

**ARTHUR **You have issues man

Oh, apparently Isolde is fine now. So they have that. And they may not have a campfire (yet) but Arthur's feeling stressy so Gwen's decided that now is the appropriate time for a meaningful conversation. Well, this can't be anything except wonderfully awkward for everybody involved ;)

**ARTHUR** Please go away. I'm still not happy with you for the whole cheating-with-your-zombie-ex thing

**GWEN** Well, screw you, then.

**MOOD WEATHER** Rain and thunder and lightning AND SADNESS!

Oh, Gwaine is still alive. Which means he was a badass offscreen. Well, I can live with that. Unfortunately, Morgana seems to be getting bored with this whole fighting-for-food thing because she's making threats about this supper being their last now.

**ELYAN** Well, this sucks. So very much.

**GAIUS** Ew, the bread is mouldy.

**ELYAN **But we don't want you to DIIIIIIE!

**GAIUS **I've spent my whole life watching the circle of life

**EVERYONE EVERYWHERE EVER** THE CIIIIIIIRCLE OF LIIIIIIIFE! AND IT MOVES US AAAAAAAALLLLLLL!

**GAIUS **… Yeah. So, I'm dying now, y/y?

**ELYAN** Wow. This is depressing.

**V – Meanwhile, by a campfire (so must be meaningful tiems, yes?)**

**ARTHUR **Wow. This is depressing.

MERLIN Am I going to have to be councillor to everyone around here? Arthur, sit down on the couch, tell me what's wrong and then MAKE THE HELL UP WITH GWEN GODDAMMIT!

ARTHUR *mopes*

MERLIN Don't listen to Tristan, he doesn't know you

ARTHUR It isn't Tristan. It's Gwen. Every time I see her I get these pains in my chest and I just know it's her fault, that bitch!

MERLIN Oh for god's sake-

ARTHUR I'm such an idiot. I should have realised that Agravaine was bad from the moment he turned up without any explanation. Not to mention Morgana/

**MERLIN** Hey, Morgana started out good. She just flipped slightly when she found out she was a sorceress and Uther was her dad and had been lying to her and all that jazz and suddenly became extremely jealous of you because all of a sudden she had a right to the throne. So far so Marvel Cinematic Universe. And when I say 'slightly' I mean 'took a full on dive off the sanity cliff'. And the whole 'attempted poisoning' thing probably didn't help either…

**ARTHUR **What?

**MERLIN** What?

**ARTHUR** …

**MERLIN** But, anyway, it isn't your fault. So pull yourself together and stop being all 'Oh, I'm not special or a worthy king'. Your people love you!

**ARTHUR **Most of them are dead

Hey, somebody noticed how high the red-cape death count on this show is at last!

**MERLIN **No, they'll all be out here in the forest camping and stuff and waiting for you because you're awesome

**ARTHUR** Well I'm tired. Can't we just be death eaters?

**MERLIN** *facepalm*

**THE MOON** *ominooooooous*

**MERLIN** Well. Nothing better to do than summon the dragon. Whilst running. I'm sure he'll have plenty of non-cryptic advice about how to get Arthur to appreciate his _destiny_.

And the very first thing he does is thank the dragon for saving them all. So that's nice.

**DRAGON **Why the long face?

**MERLIN** Arthur's being depressed

**DRAGON** Well. The fate of Camelot rests in your hands, then.

**MERLIN** Yeah, like I haven't heard that before

**DRAGON** Just make him believe he can be king again

**MERLIN** Oh sure. That's what I'm asking you to do and as per usual you've been no help a- … Hang on. Plan.

**DRAGON **Inspiration crypticness. Always works wonders. ;)

**VI – The next morning**

**MERLIN **Rise and shine! I hope you've shaken off all this depressed and don't-derserve-to-be-king nonsense because have I got the proof against that for you!

**ARTHUR** Oh geez. This had better be good

**MERLIN **Well, I'm glad you've got your snark back. So, I have this story, right. Gaius totally told me this story one day. I know it off by heart because it was such a great story that Gaius told me. Did I mention that Gaius told me?

**ARTHUR **…

**MERLIN** Seriously. I am totally not making this up on the spot.

**ARTHUR** Whatever

**MERLIN **So, in the story, many years ago, hypothetically, in the story, that Gaius told me…

**ARTHUR **Get on with it!

**TIM THE ENCHATER** Yes! Get on with it!

**EVERYONE** YES! GET ON WITH IT!

**MERLIN** So there was this King and he was wise and stuff and he and his mates were all like "we should totally divide this land into five kingdoms and respect each other's boundaries and stuff because war kind of sucks". And he was the first king of Camelot and ancestor to all the other kings including Uther and you

**EVERYONE WHO KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT ARTHURIAN LEGEND **WRONG!

**MERLIN** I'm speaking hypothetically here. So, this King had this sword that was made by this blacksmith that totally wasn't the King's girlfriend's dad and forged by a dragon and stuff. And it never spent any time in a lake before being thrown at the King by some watery tart. And the King – totally the king and not his hypothetical warlock sidekick of complete and utter awesomeness who saved his life every five minutes and never got any thanks – thrust his sword into a rock. Because he was weird like that and thought it would be the best place for it. Oh, and only a true King of Camelot could pull the sword from the stone and that's how Equestria was made!

**ARTHUR **…And nobody has found it until now because-

**MERLIN **Oh. It was lost in the great purge

**ARTHUR **How do you lose a sword in a rock in a forest during a great purge, oh, never mind

**MERLIN **It should be right around this corner!

And the music is dramatic and poignant and the sun is rising and there is the sword in the stone, aka. Excalibur-

**EVERYONE WHO KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT ARTHURIAN LEGEND **WRONG!

**ARTHUR** Well… I don't think I was expecting that

(alternate take for this line:)

**ARTHUR** Its preeeeeeeeeety,

And then everybody showed up all of a sudden. And Merlin grins like a smug little smug person.

**ARTHUR **Well, that doesn't amp up the pressure like crazy or anything.

**SIR JEFF AND SIR LEON** 'Sup guys. Did we miss anything?

So how did all these people know to come to this exact spot. Now all I can think of is the Great Dragon going up to all these people while he was searching and going "So, you all need to be at this clearing at- hey! Why are you all running away? This is important!"

**ARTHUR **You are so dead, Merlin

**MERLIN** Arthur, you're the true king of Camelot. Now pull your socks up and prove it.

**ARTHUR** … Oh… FINE! *goes to the sword in the stone*

**MERLIN** Wow. It worked.

And… okay, I'd be lying if I said I didn't love the hell out of this scene. Because I really, really do. So much so that I can't really find anything (or the heart) to make fun of it. So – in essence – Arthur goes to the sword and everyone is watching and Merlin is really glad that Arthur has his back to him right now because he kind of needs to cast teh magics so that the sword will actually come out of the stone and I guess none of the rest of the crowd saw it or something, but Merlin (amazing as it seems_) can_ be subtle when it is required and he can give some really good inspirational speeches as well, apparently, and by the way this music is absolutely wonderful and I want it now please.

In other news: We have our title. Hooray.

**ARTHUR** *pulls the sword from the stone* … Wow. That actually worked

**SIR LEON** LONG LIVE THE KING!

**EVERYONE **LONG LIVE THE KING!

**THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE** LONG LIVE THE KING!

**MERLIN** *relieved look*

**VII – Happy moment over. Morgana is receiving some bad news**

**HELIOS **So basically, Agravaine is dead and everything sucks

**MORGANA** Well, you don't have to sound so happy about it

**HELIOS** He was creeping on you. I thought we were supposed to be all happy evil couple like Morgause and Cenred and he was totally getting in the way

**MORGANA **OH MA GOD ONLY EMRYS COULD HAVE DONE THIS!

**HELIOS** See, and now this Emrys keeps getting in the way as well.

**MORGANA ***walks off all blank eyed*

**HELIOS** Well, I hope that you and Emrys live happily ever after. I'm just gonna go curl up in my sock drawer and sleep for days

**VIII – Arthur's confidence seems to have come back, thankfully, so let's discuss some battle tactics!**

**ARTHUR **We could use the drawbridge

**SIR LEON **And attack in complete full daylight really obviously where everyone can see us? Think it through.

**ARTHUR **Well, do you have any better ideas?

**SIR JEFF** Even if we could get inside, Morgana has an army

ARTHUR We have a… okay that reference isn't going to work, we really are screwed. Thanks for boosting my confidence, mister positive!

**MERLIN** *cough*Youhaveawarlock*cough*

**ISOLDE** I'm still here, by the way, just filling in because my trenchcoat man is angsting and can't bring himself to apologise to you… Yet.

**ARTHUR **It'll happen eventually. I can smell it in the script.

**SIR LEON** Well, if you need a confidence boost, just remember that the people are fighting for you, because they love you and you're awesome and a brilliant king and all that fun stuff. I personally would ride into the mouth of hell for you

**SIR JEFF** There's a _Buffy _reference in there somewhere…

**TRISTAN** *lounging against a tree looking irritated*

**MERLIN** Me too

**TRISTAN** I'M STILL NOT APOLOGISING! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!

…

**GWEN** So did we come up with a battle strategy or not?

Later that evening/night-time, it is Gwen's turn to get a motivational speech from Isodle

**ISOLDE** Just go and make up with him and then make out with him already

**GWEN **Oh, okay, I guess I could-

**MERLIN** *runs up to Arthur*

**GWEN **Or not

Merlin is just making sure that Arthur's confidence really is up to full capacity, because even though he's proved himself the true king and pulled Excalibur – the sword that makes zombies explode, need I remind you – out of the stone, he's still a bit down in the dumps about this whole fighting his crazy sorceress half-sister thing.

**ARTHUR** We have nothing to match her power

**MERLIN** …

**FINGER OF IRONY** Hey guys! You miss me! *pokeage*

**MERLIN **… So, you know that totally hypothetical story that Gaius told me once that I was telling you about?

**ARTHUR** Oh for heaven's sake!

**MERLIN** So this hypothetical king – who wasn't a dragon who told a warlock about this in cryptic riddles because he's a troll dragon – said that the king that pulled the sword from the stone would unite the land of Albion and be really, really majorly awesome. And that means that you are really, really majorly awesome and I've never thought anything otherwise of you. Well, except for when we first met and you were a gigantic prat.

**ARTHUR** …

**MERLIN** And the moral of the story is magicisn'tbad,kthnksby! *buggers off*

**IX – And where has he buggered off to? To break into Camelot and turn himself into Dragoon/Emrys, of course!**

His plan is, apparently, to drive Morgana even more paranoid and crazy by appearing around random corners and then disappear like he's slenderman or something.

**MORGANA** FML!

And then Dragoon backhands a guard with magic without even looking, because he is made of badass. Also – straw doll with its head on fire and then he goes and steals a load of stuff from the guard he just magic-backhanded. Whilst laughing like a loon.

And then he turns back into Merlin and walks right past Helios wearing a cloak. Like a boss.

**MORGANA **_fml fml fml fml fml fml_

**HELIOS** Wow, you really need to chillax over this whole Emrys thing

**MORGANA** PERSONAL SPACE, MAN! LEARN ABOUT IT!

**HELIOS **You should get some sleep

**MORGANA** … Wow. You're starting to become as creepy as Agravaine

**HELIOS **Erm…

**MORGANA **Okay, fine. Just get out of my room and make sure there are guards. And if you ever use the word 'chillax' again I am shoving one of those mountains of Asgard snakes down your throat.

And then she goes to bed fully clothed. Because.

And that straw doll thing is under her bed, by the way, and whispering creepily, and the way they film it you'd have thought that a badguy put it there.

**X – Back in the forest, let's get prepared for battle!**

**GWEN **Seriously, guys, do we even have a strategy?

**MERLIN **…..

**ARTHUR** Wake up, Merlin, and stop pulling that slightly creepy expression!

Banter is fun. But Merlin keeps looking kind of creepy. Meanwhile…

**TRISTAN** OKAY FINE! I GIVE UP! STOP GUILT TRIPPING ME! I'M SORRY! Arthur, you are awesome and not all kings suck

**ARTHUR** Well, that's nice to know

**GWEN **Would now be a good time to mention that I never once stopped loving you?

**ARTHUR** Erm…

**GWEN **And I'm out

**ARTHUR **o_O

I'm feeling an epic of slow motion coming on, as our heroes arm themselves for battle (in the rain, it just makes it that little bit more dramatic) and Arthur raises Excalibur high and leads his army forwards…

**ARTHUR** To Camelot!

**SIR LEON** Camelot!

**SIR JEFF** Camelot!

**MERLIN** It's only a model

**ARTHUR **Ssh!

IN SLOW MOTION!

And it's a good thing all those red capes aren't completely conspicuous or anything, especially in the middle of the day.

Sir Leon leads a team of sneaky crossbow people. Tristan, Isolde and Sir Jeff are being not-quite-as-sneaky punching-all-the-guards people. Because that is how they role. The trio of awesome (Arthur, Merlin and Gwen) are taking out guards on a hill (unfortunately, as they are not zombies, Excalibur does not make them explode this time).

Unfortunately, despite all this sneakiness, someone must have noticed them because the warning bell starts going.

**SOUNDTRACK** Well, to hell with all that quiet sneakiness, LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!

And Sir Leon looks way too pleased about all this (check his expression whilst he's running up th stairs… In slow motion).

**HELIOS **Well, this sucks. Morgana, it seems we have company.

**MORGANA **Emrys!

**HELIOS **What is your obsession with this guys? No, it Arthur

**MORGANA** My dearest brother. We must welcome him home.

You two seem way too happy about this as well.

And Helios totally doesn't check out Morgana's arse or anything on the way out.

Tristan and Isolde have some nice in-sync fighting. They could make it an Olympic sport

**SIR JEFF** *slashing through badguys in slow motion* _I'm awesooooooooooome_!

**GWAINE **Oh hey. Just dying down here. Don't mind us.

Gwaine found his shirt again. And then Sir Jeff just walks straight past Gwaine to check if Elyan is alright.

**ELYAN** I've been locked up with Gwaine for a week! Save me!

**GWAINE** *draped over Sir Leon's shoulder* I feel so appreciated!

**ELYAN AND SIR JEFF** *brofist*

**GAIUS** I'm still alive too, by the way

Nice to know.

Arthur, Merlin, Tristan, Isolde and Gwen – time to be awesome.

**ARTHUR** This is a corridor. Those are some guards. Who wants to_ 300_ this shiz?

And it was glorious.

And I think Morgana might be molesting that throne, I'm not quite sure.

**MORGANA** I'm going to enjoy this

**THRONE **Personal space?

Arthur snarks about Excalibur being "not bad". And I lolled.

**EVERYONE **FOR THE LOVE OF CAMELOT!

**MORGANA** No.

**DISAPPOINTED!ARTHUR** Oh. You ruined my big moment.

**MORGANA** I'm just gonna stand here, looking like a Bellatrix, minding my own business

**ARTHUR **This is my new shiny sword. Do you like it?

And then they get all close and personal and looking into each other's eyes and I was like "Do not want!"

**ARTHUR **Trying to have a serious moment here

Sorry.

**MORGANA **I'm actually kind of sad about this whole thing, you know

**ARTHUR** Yeah, me too

Aw! He's all teary eyed and crying! ARTHUR NEEDS HUGS!

**MORGANA** Well, it's an awful shame that the whole 'your father was a jerkass about magic and you aren't much better' thing kind of overrides that.

**ARTHUR **You aren't that much better than him either

**MORGANA **Well doesn't that just push my berserk button? I UNLEASH TEH MAGICS ON YOU!

**NOTHING** *happens

**MORGANA **Wait, what?

**MERLIN ***smug look*

**HELIOS** Stand back, I got this

**MORGANA** *flees*

**MERLIN AND GWEN** *chase*

**HELIOS **So? Epic sword battle time?

**ARTHUR** Bring it.

And epic sword battle. It happens. They need to bring back this director for more battle episodes.

**MORGANA ***_300_-ing her way through the redcapes*

Also, awesome as heck shot of Morgana turning a corner and standing so that the wings on the banner behind her look like she has wings. Just thought I'd mention it, because it looks cool.

**REDCAPE **So, I have this sword *stabbity*

**MORGANA **OW! Should really pay more attention when evil strutting *le stabs back*

**REDCAPE **At least… I got… to actually… do something useful! *dies*

**MORGANA ***clutching side* NOT AS PLANNED! OOOOOOOWWWW!

In the meantime, some very angry sword fighting between Helios and Arthur. Seriously, this is some violent shiz. Aaaaand slow motion punch (because we can't go five seconds without some slow motion, apparently. Not that I'm complaining, it is kind of cool).

**ARTHUR **Well, great job this apparently-awesome-stone-sword has done me *falls over*

**HELIOS **Mwahahaha! Mine is an evil laugh! NOW DIE!

**ISOLDE** *sword*

**HELIOS ***turns around*

**ISOLDE** *sworded also*

**HELIOS **My only regret… Is not wearing better armour *dies*

**ISOLDE **You know, I think I echo that statement

**TRISTAN **Sorry, what?

**ISOLDE** *falls*

But we can't dwell on that, because Gwen has just turned up and I think that she and Morgana are about to have a girlfight.

**GWEN** I'm just here to remind everyone that I am actually a badass who can use a sword quite well

**MORGANA** Screw you and your destiny to steal my rightful queenliness! Also, I canon have better sword fighting skillz than you. *disarms*

The shot of Morgana holding the sword up to Gwen's throat is also awesome, by the way. Let's just say that the last fifteen minutes of this episode are just full of awesome shots and just leave it at that, shall we?

**GWEN** NOT. AS. PLANNED!

**TEH MAGICS ***blasts Morgana away and drops a chunk of the ceiling on her for good measure*

**MERLIN **And I win at life.

**GWEN **What happened?

**MERLIN** Totally wasn't me casting teh magics *shifty eyes*

And the dust clears and… Morgana is gone. Master of the offscreen teleportation, I guess, seeing as this is the second time she's managed to escape Camelot during a season finale after having half a ceiling dropped on her.

Meanwhile:

**ISOLDE **After all that nonsense last episode I guess I'm dying in your arms after all. At least I'm a goodguy, so I automatically get a few minutes before I die to have final words. *dies*

**TRISTAN** CAN LIFE STOP GUILTTRIPPING ME NOW PLEASE?

And then Arthur and Gwen made puppy eyes at each other from across the room.

**SOUNDTRACK** OH EVERYTHING IS SO TRAGIC!

**XI – Oh geez, I guess it is time for reconciliation**

Well, we all know where this is going. I think Merlin might be hiding in a curtain from the sidelines yelling in his head "JUST FREAKING SNOG EACH OTHER ALREADY!"

But I do like Arthur's shirt. Just saying.

**ARTHUR** So, would this be a bad time to ask you to marry me?

**GWEN** Yes! Yes, with all my heart!

**MERLIN** OH THANK FREAKING DUMBLEDORE'S BEARD AND ALL THE FROGS WITH GAIUS' EYEBROWS FOR THAT!

That was… a lot less awkward than it could have been. Thank you, writers.

And cut straight to the wedding/crowning of Guinevere as queen. Or perhaps it is both, I dunno, ceremonies in Camelot are confusing, but Gwen gets to wear a beautiful purple dress which is really quite lovely and her crowning crown is a lot nicer than Arthur's. Which still looks very silly.

And Merlin stole Prince Hal's jacket from _The Hollow Crown_. Although, considering timelines and everything, it's probably more likely that Hal stole Merlin's jacket. But it looks good on Merlin.

Also, Arthur and Guinevere have lensflare kisses/in front of window kisses. I think that is just the rule now.

MERLIN LOOKS SO PROUD AWWWWWWWW! (His OTP is finally realised.)

**XII – Meanwhile, in the forest of mood whiplash and possible doom…**

Morgana is not having a good time of it.

**MORGANA **Well, I've lost an inordinate amount of blood from this invisible side-wound and I'm lost. I'll just fall over here and die now.

**AITHUSA THE DRAGON BABY** *turns up and is still the most adorable thing in the world* WAKE THE HECK UP! (I am assuming that this is the appropriate translation of healing-dragon-breath*

**MORGANA** What the what? OH MY GOD YOU ARE THE MOST ADORABLE THING I HAVE EVER SEEN LET ME KEEP YOU!

**AITHUSA** *flies off*

**EVERYONE WHO KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT ARTHURIAN LEGEND** WHITE DRAGON VS. RED DRAGON SYMBOLISM ERMIGEEEEERD!

And I start to wonder whether adorable evil is just attracted to Morgana or something

**THE AUDIENCE** So… what just happened?

**ME **Well, it isn't exactly a _Sherlock_ cliffhanger, but still…

**And here, my good friends, Merlin: Series 4 is**

**TEH ENDED**

**But, of course…**

**MERLIN WILL RETURN!**

**And I, for one, can't bloody wait!**

**:D**


End file.
